Having a baby can be a wonderful and joyful time but it can also bring many changes and pressures on a variety of relationships. For new parents in Hong Kong these pressures are often even more complicated.

Husband/Wife

For many the transition from couple into parenthood is an easy one. However there are times when husband or wife can feel resentful or frustrated with their new role. New Mums often find that caring for the baby is exhausting and emotionally draining. Her whole life seems to revolve around the baby. The days can seem long and lonely and the developing bonding process can feel overwhelming. Moreover, the new Dad may feel left out and even jealous of his wife’s attentions to their baby. Because he is with the baby much less then the bonding process takes a little longer. During this period of adjustment resentments sometimes build up and the new Dad, arriving home from a busy day at work, complains that he is merely considered to be an extra pair of hands to care for the baby. Gone are the days of a relaxing drink and chat before dinner.

The most common complaint shared with me is that men feel that their sex life is slow to resume after the birth of the baby, whilst women tend to give it a low priority. This is because they often feel physically and emotionally exhausted after giving birth and feel that their body is no longer attractive. They long to go to bed just to catch up on the sleep they so desperately crave. These feelings are common throughout the world. However for those living in Hong Kong they seem to be exaggerated. There are few (if any?) men who arrive home at six in the evening. Pressures to achieve high standards of performance and resulting stress levels can be much higher than in other parts of the world. Many jobs require overseas travel and it is not uncommon for partners to be away for 2 or 3 weeks at a time. The new Mum frequently sees herself as fat and dowdy compared to the smart, slim attractive women at her husband’s office.
All of this places added strain on new parents living in Hong Kong. Most couples work through the early days by just allowing time to readjust and by limiting expectations. It is important to allow time each day for short chats. Share feelings and discuss issues as they surface rather than stewing on them.

In the early days take advantage of quiet times to catch up with each other. Hong Kong has an amazingly busy social scene but in the first months, after the birth of the baby, try not to be too ambitious. A quiet drink or meal away from the apartment is much better quality time than drinks with friends in a noisy bar or a party. If you find it difficult to leave the baby (and many Mothers do in the early months) then set time aside to have a Take Away meal or a drink. Make a point of doing things together at least once a week. This may be a walk or meeting for lunch or a game of tennis.
Remember that you are both going through a huge change in your life but gradually life will feel “normal” again.

Family Visits

One of the most difficult things about giving birth in Hong Kong, for the expatriate couple, is the separation that many feel from their family back “home”. This is often remedied by long visits from the new and doting Grandparents. These visits can sometimes be a disaster! Firstly, even if you lived several hours’ drive away from your parents, under normal circumstances, it would be unlikely they would come to stay for 2 to 3 weeks after the birth of a baby. This places enormous strain on all concerned. Secondly, when they do arrive they often come armed with their tourist itinerary and expect the new and very tired Mum to be their tourist Guide. Thirdly, because they have already been through the parenting process themselves there is always the danger that they are too forthcoming with advice and rather than empowering the new parents, cause them (unintentionally) to loose confidence in their own ability. Often they have short memories and comments such as “my babies always slept through the night by 6 weeks” should be taken with a pinch of salt. Finally, some well meaning grandparents have a tendency to pick up the baby at the least little squeak so that when they finally do leave you are left with an over stimulated, wakeful baby.

Of course not all visits follow the above pattern and many women, in particular, gain tremendous benefit from having their own Mother stay. It can be a time when a special closeness develops between the two. What does seem to work better for all concerned is for grandparents to delay their visit until a few months after the birth of the baby as, by then, mother and baby have settled into some kind of routine and should be better equipped to face days out.
If you don’t have a helper then a hard working parent can be a tremendous help. For those who are fortunate enough to have their own parents or in laws living in Hong Kong then most of the above will not apply. However sometimes cultural differences cause tension and strain. Again the only solution is to calmly discuss issues as they arise. Try to talk about potential problems before the baby is born and agree how you will handle situations as a couple.

Helpers

As previously discussed, one of the big advantages of living in Hong Kong is the opportunity to hire a domestic helper. This can make life so much easier and enjoyable, freeing parents of time consuming tasks and thus allowing them to spend more time with the baby. However, some Mothers find it difficult to share the care of their baby with the helper and at times become resentful of the helper’s intervention. It is a difficult time for all, including the helper, and only time and honest and open discussion will help. Ground rules need to be established from the start as to exactly what help with the baby the helper is expected to give. Remember in some homes domestic helpers are required to fully take care of a baby, day and night, whilst in others the helper is not even allowed to pick the baby up! If you are intending to return to work then it is important that the helper and baby spend some time together beforehand. This not only gives you an opportunity to assess her ability and guide her but also for the helper and baby to begin to get to know each other. Every Mother needs some time away from her baby, if only to wash and blow dry her hair. Use your helper to give you these times. Remember, if you were living in another country your Mother or friend would look after the baby for short periods.

Some Mothers feel threatened by the closeness, which develops between helper and baby. This can result in resentment. If the Mother is caring for the baby as well as the helper then it is unlikely that the baby will form a closer attachment to the helper. If, however, the helper is the main carer then the Mother needs to set very definite rules and constantly review these. This could be along the lines of “If I am at home I will always care for the baby and I do not expect you to pick her up”. Similarly, if the mother is trying to settle the baby into a routine but the helper always picks the baby up as soon as she cries, then firm guidelines need to be established. Try to look positively at the close bond, which the baby has with the helper. After all life would be so much more difficult if there was no relationship between the two.

Siblings

Much has been written about relationships between older children and their new baby brother or sister. Even the most sensitive and thoughtful parents are bound to encounter a little resentment from their older child. Avoid overkill in the pre natal period. Some toddlers are thoroughly sick of the “baby” topic even before it has arrived. However it is usually once the baby is brought into the family home and the older child begins to realise that they are here to stay that the most challenging times arrive. The poor toddler is cross and confused and probably doesn’t even know why, so he lashes out at those closest to him. Hong Kong toddlers tend to go to a multitude of activities. Even before they have reached the age of 3 their social diary is enough to make a socialite green with envy. This is the last thing they need if they are feeling threatened by a new arrival in the home! Try to spend as much time with them as possible and use every opportunity to do activities together. This does not always have to mean organised programmes but could be a walk on the beach or time at home making cookies. Remember that it is not uncommon for behaviour to regress a little at this time. A toilet trained 3 year old may start wetting again or the good sleeper may start waking up several times at night. With time and patience things usually settle down after a few months but it is worth remembering that children of all ages always enjoy their own one on one time with parents.


Friendships

As I’ve said earlier Hong Kong is a very social place. It’s quite common for the working girl or guy to meet for drinks after work. Most parents loose interest in frequent social after work meetings once they’ve had a baby. They are keen to rush home to see their offspring and share time together as a couple. Past single friends often find this hard to stomach and friendships may dwindle at this time. Moreover if you do meet up with people you are in danger of not only flashing the latest photos of your baby but also sharing with them every little smidgeon of his development!
The postnatal period is one of readjustment. After a few months the whole baby business seems less intense and parents begin to relax and settle down again. Your true friends will understand this and be delighted to see you.
Many friendships are made around those early baby years and often these last for a number of years. If your babies are all going through roughly the same stages of development then there is much to share and support each other with. This is why it is good for Mums (and Dads) to attend postnatal groups such as The Matilda Mum and Baby Groups on Geobaby. Unfortunately the expatriate scene is very transient and so it is important to develop as many friendships as possible.

Written by Yvonne Heavyside from The Family Zone