[AlohaBoy08]

I have been searching the web for answers to questions I have and ran into this forum. hopefully some of you can help me out.

I am a guy married to the First born of (3) daughters of full Chinese decent. My wife and I have been together for 4+ years now we met through one of her Chinese uncles that was born and raised here in Hawaii. Her family still lives in Canton China and i am starting to get really nervous. let me explain a little.

(I could make this really, really long but I feel that her family is using the word Tradition as an excuse.)
example: My understanding is the first born get married first. Not with her family her younger sister married 3 months before us even thought we had announced we were engaged (sister was pregnant).
Daughters marry in husbands family become part of husbands family and take care of them.
Her family is expecting us to take care of them ?now? and want to retire ?now? in America.

Now don?t go nut?z on me I am in now way expecting my wife to take care of my family other then the one we are making together. My family (mom and dad) are 65 and are doing well and not retiring.

My wife does have some extended family here in Hawaii. Some (the ones that once lived in China (Trad) and moved here; there are a hand full of them one is her fathers brother) and then there are the ones that I know and met before I even knew my wife (the ones that were born and raised here.) My wife?s uncle the "Trad" brought her over and paid for her to get her masters degree and we have honored him and paid him back in full. However our problem lies with her Ma and Ba back in Canton, all of the "Trad" relatives that live over here (Except for the uncle that helped my wife he really is well off.) live in low income housing and reap the government benefits while holding down (2) cash paying jobs that they pay no tax?s on. They then send back or go back and flaunt off all of the American money saying the US govt. gives free housing and money. My wife tries to explain to her mom and dad that this is not true and that her and I struggle every month with more bills than they can imagine. Note: my understanding from my wife is that the only bills her mom and dad have to pay is an electric bill and buy food, everything else is provided buy Govt. Even their 3 story house which is better than our little 2 bed 2 bath townhouse. So when they (her ma/ba) see my wife?s relatives coming back and flaunting American money and saying how cheap it is in America to live, they expect her to bring the entire family over. ?her parents are trying to make us bring them over to live with us.? To me this is unexcitable

We have agreed together only to bring them over on a visitor?s visa for 6Mo after the baby is born. My problem is that I know that their will be allot of stress placed on my wife as I do not speak Cantonese and her Ma & Ba only speak Cantonese. My wife says that they will help with taking care of the baby for 6 months and probably want to go back to china. But here is where I have problems. They want us to float the entire bill for them to come here. Air travel food and living expenses. Heck we just got a Mortgage and Baby on the way we can hardly pay our bills.

Some of my worries are that while over in china I saw how her father treats his other grandson; holding his middle daughters son and smoking and blowing the smoke all around the child. I am an ex-smoker who will not tolerate cigarettes anywhere near my home. How do I communicate to her Father the idea that I do not want him nor will I allow him to smoke anywhere in or around my house let alone around my child? Or the fact that I will in no way buy him cigarettes? Maybe I am over reacting but from what I saw while I was there I?m worried. Another aspect was when I held my stepsisters? son, he had never seen a white guy before and he started to cry, I tried to comfort him but he would not stop crying so my wife?s father came over took the child and smacked him on the head and yelled something in Chinese. Now you know im not going to allow that.

I feel like my title of ?Master of my domain? will be in contest from the minute they land. I want my child to be proud of his heritage and culture and I want him to know his family in China but her sister on several occasions over the phone and in email has said nasty things toward my wife that has made her cry saying the her and I are hording all of our money and being selfish. This from a woman who sold Tradition over our heads but then breaks her own countries laws buy having more than one child after her first is a son and is expecting us to send her money. My wife doesn?t even like calling home any more. This is all because they think we are rich just cause we live in America. I don?t know if I am ready or willing to take on the responsibility of working my hands to the bone to support what I consider a FIL that is totally capable of working a job he?s 53 but in stead just wants to be lazy because of his mis-placed ideas of America life..

I am sorry if this is not the right place to post this, I am just looking for some advise. From others in the Chinese culture.