[MayC]

My HK Chinese inlaws are a nightmare too. I agree with Cara that things got worse after my little girl was born. They wanted EVERYTHING done the Chinese way! They came and stayed with us and gave me hell the first night they arrived. MIL refused to let me pick up my baby saying that I should let her cry it out AND she refused to let me have my baby in my room saying that my baby should be OUTSIDE in the living room (this was in the middle of the night). After 2 agonising hours of my little one crying, I wheeled her bassinet into my room and picked her up. MIL was so furious with me that she packed her bags and left the next day.

The other incident was when my husband said she could come stay with us anytime. I was fine with that. However, one Sunday when we were out, she came over to our place, threw out our single bed and ordered a double bed. I was furious. She could have told us what she was intending to do. She heard I was upset and then vowed never to step foot into our house again.

I work for my husband's family business because we felt it was easier - I will have more time with my little girl plus most of the accounting jobs out there require that I know Chinese (I can speak it now but I cannot read nor write). However, this has meant that his mother thinks she has the upper hand in everything.

His brother and wicked wife are even worse! They are so jealous of us that they treat me terribly. I hadn't spoken to her for years and then she wrote me a nasty email saying that I curse her marriage and caused her miscarriage. I was shocked and said, "You lead your life and I lead mine. Whatever happens in your life is your problem, leave me out of it".

After 6 years of depression, I finally said, "To hell with them" and started seeing them less. I hardly ever see his brother's wife unless it's some chinese festive season and I don't see my parents in law anymore unless my husband is in the country (he travels to China a lot). Keeping my distance has been really good for me.

AlohaBoy, I agree that you are in a sticky situation. One thing I've come to realise is that Chinese parents EXPECT that the eldest would look after them and the eldest son or daughter usually feel it is their responsibillity to do so. I would imagine it is tough on your wife too... on the one hand she's been brought up to believe that it is her responsibility to look after her parents but on the other hand she's wanting a life with you, without those responsibilities. She's caught between two cultures - her relatives who will most probably tell her she's ungrateful and a life with you. My husband feels the same and I agree with Cara that sometimes it makes me feel that he doesn't support me or respect me.

Almost once or twice each month, I want to leave HK and thinking that he should have just married a hongkie or a mainland chinese. Other times, I feel guilty for thinking that because my husband has been good to me.

What can I say? I think the only way is for the two of you to compromise. List down the things you do not like and see if you guys can compromise. Eg. Sure, they can stay with us but only for a short visit. Fine if they want to come over to America but they have to live AWAY from us. Who knows, with childcare being so expensive, they may be of some help to you. Good luck!