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Different views in caring for baby -Help!

  1. #1
    ariel is offline Registered User
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    Different views in caring for baby -Help!

    My husband and I have different opinons in how to care for our little one. We have been having numerious discussions (arguments) as to how we should handle situations like when she had diaherra, cold, etc. Or even the dialy routine in choice and amount of food we should give her.

    Generally speaking, he thinks I have overly concerned about our baby and I think he's too relax about everything.

    Apart from different personal opinons, I think we also have some cultural differences (in terms of how to care for a child).

    Can someone share any insights if you happen to have similar experience? or could anyone recommend a good family counsellor who may be able to help? Appreciate any info and Thanks for your help in advance.

  2. #2
    alexday is offline Registered User
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    Talking

    Oh dear !!

    I have the same problems with my husband. My baby is now 14 months and we have both learned to relax much more. I sincerely believe the solution is very very simple - JUST RELAX.

    If your husband says x, just say OK. It's not about getting it right. In fact, there isn't a right or wrong method. But, there is the "relax" and "enjoy" answers... Don't over worry ... I know it's really difficult being a mother, but try the new way and you will find it rather amazing.

    A

  3. #3
    ariel is offline Registered User
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    Thanks for your reply and advice, A.

    I have been telling myself to try and relax but it's sometimes quite hard. Especially when she gets a little sick, then I feel that everything around me just "stops". People told me that this is only the beginning of a very long journey and I know ... but I just don't know how to teach myself to relax. Can you share any good methods that works for you?

    Sometimes I feel that being a full time mom makes it difficult because you just focus on every little thing. I used to work full time and now found that my life is totally different from before. Whilst considering returning to work, I just don't think I would be able to find any job that is more meaningful and worthwhile than looking after and teaching my child.

    Anyway, thanks again.

  4. #4
    scr
    scr is offline Registered User
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    Hi Ariel,

    I'm a full time mom as well and I have an 18 month old son. My husband and I have differences of opinion too regarding various issues lots of times. But one thing we definitely agree is that as long as the baby is not in danger of hurting himself or some such situation then it's ok. I'm quite relaxed when it comes to my son. I let him eat how much he wants, (offer him limited choices of food all healthy and nutritious), let him do what he wants to do when he plays, I let him make quite a mess even if it means more work for me because I feel that's how I can help him develop and learn. If he is unwell, I make sure I know exactly what I should be doing...panicking won't help. A quick read up on his symptoms, take him to the doctor, watch for signs of recovery or deterioration and act appropriately. It is really difficult to watch him suffer but using common sense and calm will help me get through it faster.

    My world revolves around my son but I know that I need time out as well because if I take care of myself I can be a better mother. I leave father and son together, take off and not worry about them for an hour or two. Maybe you should try that..it might help you relax. Hope I've been of help and not intimidated you :)

    How old is your daughter ? Good luck on learning to relax.

  5. #5
    alexday is offline Registered User
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    Wink

    I assume you are a full time mum ? Assuming you are, I think you can be a bit ¡§extreme¡¨ by

    (a) treating yourself like your baby. I am sure you can see that your baby can divert her/his attention to something else extremely quickly. You should do the same.

    PLUS

    (b) Just leave all the decision-making to your husband or, if your husband is not around, just pretend to be your husband and guess what he would do and do that (instead of using your own character).

    In short, the solution that works for me is (a) divert myself like my baby and (b) make decisions and think like my husband.

    A

  6. #6
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    shri is offline Administrator
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    make decisions and think like my husband.
    Sometimes its good to be a contrarian. Chaos would take over our house if Rani started thinking like me. :)

  7. #7
    loupou is offline Baby Guru
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    Different views, dfferent cultures, different families...

    Dear Ariel,

    I used to have a similar isssue w/ my DH, only the thing was that I tended to be more casual and DH tended to be more worried about things, especiallly fevers and coughs.

    Coming from No. America I am used to waiting out minor colds and doctoring myself w/ Over the Counter medicine..

    DH is a HK guy and HK people tend to go to the doctor immediately, for what people in the USA and Canada would "wait out". This is a socio-cultural phenomena that was noted as far back as the mid-1970's.

    [see: "Medicine in Chinese cultures : comparative studies of health care in Chinese and other societies : papers and discussions from a conference held in Seattle, Washington, U.S.A., February 1974".
    Edited by Arthur Kleinman ... [et al.]
    (Washington, DC : U.S. Dept. of Health, Education, and Welfare, Public Health Service, National Institutes of Health, 1975 [i.e. 1976])]

    So, I've become more accepting of my DH's concerns, and after the recent fake Panadol discoveries in medicine shops, I am more willing to believe when my DH says that drugs from a doctor's dispensary are more reliable.

    But, what other people have written is true, as you child gets older and you see him or her survive different fevers and so forth, you become more confident.

    Think also back to your own family and how people dealt with illness. It could be that even if you and DH are from the "same culture", your individual family's cultures in dealing w/ health and hygiene might be very different..

    I am afraid I cannot agree w/ Alexday's suggestion to let your DH make all the decisions, because then you are abdicating your responsibility - instead, I think it better that you discuss things w/ your DH (not argue) and see if you can find a middle ground.

  8. #8
    ariel is offline Registered User
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    Thank you everyone for sharing your experience and views with me.

    Special thanks to Loupou for a very understanding approach.

    I also agree with Shri that different views is sometimes good because you look at things from all angles. What's most important is one's attitude towards a discussion, whether or not a productive and meaningful one would simply turn into a nasty argument.

    In fact, I think my husband and I are both very concern about our baby but his approaches are different. As Alexday said there is no right or wrong but whether it's suitable for "your" baby. I am quite confident that I know my baby better than my husband and most of the time when I'm using my gut feeling to do thing with my baby, it turns out to be correct. Somehow, my husband wants to have his say too, which is of course understandable and reasonable being her dad.

    Few days ago, while seeing my family doctor for a different reason, he asked about my baby and I told him the issues I have. He recommened a family/couple counsellor to me and I will definitely try and see whether it would help.

    Thanks again for listening and sharing.

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