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Working mom and guilt

  1. #9
    thiri is offline Registered User
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    I have a four-month-old and have been working part-time since the end of my maternity leave. So far, its working well - I get to spend the majority of the day with my son and get just enough intellectual stimulation to keep me going. Hopefully, I can avoid any future attachment problems with my helper. For those of you who can opt to work part-time, it really is the best solution.

  2. #10
    ETs
    ETs is offline Registered User
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    Why guilt?

    I can empathize with many moms who struggle to balance work and parenting. My wife and I have a 3.5yr daughter and a 1.5yr son. She stays home to take care of them.
    We discuss a lot about parenting and career path as we both finish graduate studies overseas before we had our first born. Here are some of our ideas:
    1) Both career and mothering are full-time work and so, we can hardly balance though I appreciate all such worthy effort. We make a choice and we need to be aware of what we gain/ lose. The word "balance" sometimes fails to remind us that we have made a choice. It's very tough for us to live on one income but we can fulfill most of the kids' needs financially because we fulfill the basic material needs. We work hard now for college fund and educational needs.
    2) What a kid needs most should be balanced by the parents' perspective and the kid himself. As far as I know, infant and toddler needs a bonding with their care-taker, no matter if this is the mother, grandmom or the maid. Without such bonding, kids grow up with much suppressed anger inside esp. among boys. My suggestion is to allow such a caregiver to have a bonding with the kid. If she is the maid, include the maid as a part of the family. Spending quality time surely helps but we need to make sure they have an emotional bonding in their formative years.
    3) I believe the guilt reminds us that we have made a choice. We have to work out our best in the choice we have made. We cannot make much room for such a guilt unless you believe this is a voice of your inner conviction that you need to take into consideration of the choice you want to make.
    4) Though my wife stays home, it is not easy for her. I don't blindly believe if stay-home mom is better or worse than working mom. Both are choices we make for ourselves and for our children. We need to know the perspective from an infant of what they need before we make a decision for them. Knowing what they need, we can explore different solutions and staying home may only be one option to do so. Staying home also has its drawbacks in terms of taking care of kids' needs because the mom may burn-out faster than any jobs.

  3. #11
    kiukiu338 is offline Registered User
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    I am a working mom as well. I did feel a bit guilty leaving my daughter home with my maid. Most moms always want to be with her little one, like me, but the fact is that I am the main financial support of the family, if I quit my job, our lives will be totally different. Sometimes I am really jealous when my daughter smiles so sweet to my maid. She is much devoted to her instead of her own mom, but what else can I do beside spending the non-work hours with her?

  4. #12
    Zee
    Zee is offline Registered User
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    It is all about personal choices. I believe the best parent is the one who keep trying her level best to be a good parent. You can still be the best mom to your kids if you are working full-time. Just make the most out of your free time with them.

    I have been a stay-at-home mom for 10 months now. If it is not because of joining my hubby here in HK, I think I would still be a working mom and still not knowing what I could be missing at home. Initially, I thought I would be a full time mom for a few months and start looking for work here once I settled down. Well, it's almost a year now, I am still enjoying every moment of it.

    A few of my ex-colleagues said as much as they envy my current full-time mom position, they cannot afford to do so themselves. I feel sorry for them and for their kids. They are trapped by their own lifestyles.

    Of course, there are financial sacrifices we have to make. As parents, we have to decide which is more important to us. My hubby and I decided that we just have to live within our means. We live in a 500 sq feet apt. No helper. No international school for my daughter (No big loss here). I still have to look at recipe books whenever I cook. In return, I have the time to take my 2 year old to playgroups, music classes, library, parks. I have the time to bake brownies and chocolate cakes for her. The last 10 months have been an enriching experience for me. For full-time working mothers who are still undecided, give it a try.

  5. #13
    ETs
    ETs is offline Registered User
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    Jealosy of working mom

    How can a working mom not jealosy with the maid and still be close to their kids?
    I don't have a definite answer. Since full-time work and parenting are choices to make, we can't have all the good stuff without any loss. 0-2 kids, as far as I know and experience, needs an emotional bonding with the primary or even secondary care-takers, whoever she/ he is. Such security sets up the foundation for other development. My opinion is that we should fulfill as much as we can such a need. If we make a choice for a maid and we go out to work, our kids will not stop having such bonding needs. So, I believe many working mom have not been well-informed of the needs of the kids before they make the choice.
    In view of HK economy, many really may have to be a working mom. My suggestion is to include the maid as a part of the family. Don't overload her so that she will have reasonable capacity to stimulate the kids. However, it all depends on her character. Some may take advantage of it. Be happy to be the secondary care-giver. Don't spoil the kids with our money and gifts. They simply need you and your presence. Your good relationship with the maid will be a positive factor for all three parties.

  6. #14
    yuli is offline Registered User
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    I'm currently a junior at HKIS- and I'm writing the Junior Resarch paper based on the book Feminine Mystique and the idea that women would not mind giving up their careers in order to take care of their child. In order to make this research paper successsful, I need to interview mothers. So if you qualify these conditions and wouldn't be annoyed to be interviewed via email, then please contact me at [email protected] Any help would be REALLY appreciated!!

    Qualitifcations:
    - You worked full time at one point- then decided to give up your career in order to take care of your child full time and will not resume work (3 mothers)
    - You worked full time at one point- then decided to give up your career in order to take care of your child full time and will resume work when your child grows to a certain age. (3 mothers)
    - You worked full time at one point- then decided to work part time while taking care of your child (3mothers)
    If you are interested in participating in my interview for my paper, just drop me an email and I will send you a short list of questions to answer.
    Thank you so much!
    - Yuli
    My topic deals with everything mentioned in this forum, so if you guys are interested please please do drop me an email!

  7. #15
    jane01 is offline Registered User
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    Ohhhh yes, I know what you mean. And I only work part time !

    Some things which help me ease the guilt/save my sanity are:
    * I work 3 days a week
    * I work 8.30-5'ish, unless something is really important (about maybe 5 times this year)
    * I take my computer home and catch up on work when my daughter is asleep, if need be
    * I'm always there when she wakes up and goes to bed and if she wakes in the night
    * If I'm home, the helper is not allowed to do anything child-related - I'm the parent

    Hope those few suggestions help.

    I am about to have #2 and have given serious consideration to giving up work altogether. Work is not supportive of the part time arrangements (despite practically getting a full time job done for 60% of the cost). I'm not progressing at all career wise. Makes me wonder why I bother???? I want to set a good example of working hard to my daughters, but at the same time want to be there for them. I am very conflicted about the whole issue.

  8. #16
    Sylvieng is offline Registered User
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    Park Island
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    Hi,

    My baby is now 6 months old, and I have taken a long leave from work. It was intended to be for one year, but I'm now thinking of new ways to be able to make ends meet financially and continue to be with my baby.

    Before having my baby, I would never have thought of me like that. I guess that motherhood does change a woman.

    I just wanted to tell you that even if I'm not in the same situation as you, I really sympathize, especially as I see many of my friends struggling with their career and motherhood, with all the emotions that come with it : guilt, jealousy, tiredness...

    I think that the only solution is to tell yourselves that no matter what you do, what is important is that you love your baby, that she/he knows it, and that you do your best. :cheerlead

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