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Suggestion - Kids fight

  1. #1
    Susanna Wong is offline Registered User
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    Suggestion - Kids fight

    Alvin, my 3 year old, is hitting and throwing things at others in class. He does not act hostile, but seeing that as part of th game. What should I do?

  2. #2
    loupou is offline Baby Guru
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    ideas

    Speak w/ the teacher about it and ask for her suggestions on strategies to combat it?

    Keep saying "No throwing" and "No hitting" and frowning at your son. If he immediately repeats the action, remove him from the area and sit him on a stool for 30 to 60 seconds and say "You cannot throw things at children. It frightens them and may hurt them."

    Does he do that sort of thing at home?

  3. #3
    Susanna Wong is offline Registered User
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    He rarely does this at home. But he has noone to fight with at home. My second one is only 8 months old so they do not really play together. Will definitely try your recommendations.

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    svasbt is offline Registered User
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    Susanna:

    We just attended a P.E.T. workshop yesterday, and got something to share.

    Nobody, adult or children, likes to be embarrased. When you child hurts a "victim", he won't learn much if you scold him right at the spot and order him to apologize. That puts him in "trouble". Instead, go to the victim and, in an over-the-top way, sympathize with him, and (if your child is small) say sorry on behalf of your child. Put it in a way like "WE are very sorry. I'm very sorry you GOT hurt, and I'm sure so-and-so (your son) is sorry too.". Don't say "I'm sorry HE hurt you." And because your child is not in trouble, he's more likely to feel "guilty". He will slowly learn not to do that and to say sorry.

    Afterwards, talk to your child about what happens. Don't scold him, but "discuss" the problem. Empathize with him if he says he did it because he got frustrated/was pushed over/ etc., but still point out what he should do if the same situation ever happens again. If you see other kids playing rough, point it out to him and teach him what is right. That's the best opportunity to teach your child.

    One more thing. Little kids have no words to express their frustration/anger, so pushing/hurting other kids may be their ways of showing how unhappy they are. Teach your kids those words, no matter how young they are. When you see that they are angry/upset/frustrated, say "I can see you're upset, etc." Eventually they will link the feelings and the words, and hopefully can express themselves verbally rather than physically.

    Hope this helps.

  5. #5
    loupou is offline Baby Guru
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    Disciplining kids

    Hi,

    Just want to comment on some of the ideas mentioned in Svabst's post.

    The idea of talking to your kid in a private moment is good. It can be done during the "removal" time. Keep the message short and sweet.

    "Don't hit or throw things. It can hurt people. Do you like it when children hit you?"

    Then a hug and a "let's say sorry to so-and-so.".

    I REALLY think the idea of the parent saying "We're sorry" is not very healthy. It really mixes the boundaries. My kids are there own people, if they do something they need to "own it", take responsibility for it. So teaching your kid to say "I'm sorry for hitting" is useful. It's not a shaming thing.

    I see nothing wrong with a child learning to feel guilty for wrong-doing. It's called developing a conscience. Of course one doesn't want a kid to feel guilty about things that aren't wrong, or feel overly guilty for small issues, balance is key.

    At home we do lots of apologies and forgiving. Once they got to be about 3 or 4 I taught the kids to say "I forgive you" or "I accept your apology" rather than "It's OK" when the other apologized (or when I apologized for being impatient, snapping at them, etc.). Because the wrong act was *not* OK, but it is forgivable.

    When sometimes my kids don't want to accept the other's apology, I remind them of the times that they themselves do wrong things and want forgiveness

    Also, re: hitting and throwing. Eagle eye and intervention are key. If you notive Little Darling about to throw something, stop him in the act and say "No throwing, it might hurt someone."

    This can be a real problem when kids get together and start playing rough games. Or, when a clean up of Legos turns into a "toss the Legos into the box" which quickly degenereates into "throw Legos at each other".

    Other idea, don't forget to praise him when he plays nicely. If he spends a morning in class without hitting or throwing, mention it to him "Wow, I see you didn't hit one time today. You're really learning to play nicely." or "I saw you sharing the toy kitchen very nicely with Georgie."
    .

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    Forgiving

    Loupou:

    I love the idea of teaching them to say "I forgive you". That's awesome.

    I fully agree that each child is an individual and should be responsible for his own behavior/action. But for those of us whose children are not even speaking yet, I think putting the words in their head is better than nothing. I hope my child will learn how to say sorry if he has heard the word often enough.

  7. #7
    loupou is offline Baby Guru
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    Definitely, if a child is too young to speak, you can/should speak for them. But since Susannah was talking about a 3-year old in kindy, I assumed he was old enough to say "Sorry" or "Dui-m-ji". :)

  8. #8
    pokny is offline Registered User
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    Children's speech

    As a speech therapist, I just want to add something onto the subject of a child saying "sorry".

    Most children who have not yet spoken well by the age of 2 years and 9 months grow up in the environment where chances of learning vocabulary are limited, i.e. were left at day care since very young. Putting words in their heads and mouths is the most efficient way to teach them a wider range of vocabulary. I have been saying this to the parents in New York for more than 20 years, and it still works without fail.

    A lot of kids who have come to me were misjudged by the parents. They thought the kids had a problem speaking because they couldn't say the simplest words such as sorry and thank-you. Though a few of them did have a speech problem, most other in fact had problems with "expressing themselves" rather than saying the words. How could you say sorry when you don't know what it means? How could you thank other when you don't feel grateful? Caregivers should take all opportunities to help them know what they feel. When you see that they are upset, say "Are you upset?" etc. The same goes for frustration, anger, happiness, and others. Let them learn to link the words and the feelings.

    Pamela Kerton

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