I've sent my maid away because of my in-law.
- 09-11-2006, 05:36 PM #17Registered User
- Join Date
- Mar 2005
- Hong Kong
The Helpless You
I really, really symphathize your situaion. From your messages, I did not see you mention about your hubby. I think no matter how they (including his sister) were used to your in-law's temper, they are, especially your hubby, supposed to looking after your feeling and emotion. I mean they or all you guys really need a talk over the matter. I have a maid as well but only for around four years. The reason for keeping her with me is something I am satisfied with, not to mention yours was there serving you since your own birth for 25 years. I presume that she is an excellent maid.
But very honestly she is just a maid and she would leave your family and return to her own place at the end of the day. I think the most important bit for you to look into is the relationship between yourself and your in-law. The loss of your maid must have caused certain damage to you all. From the angle of your in-law, haven't you or anyone had tried a peaceful or quiet talk with her, not necessarily be of something around your lost maid, try something like understanding her thought about raising kids, her needs, etc. Show your respect and love to her. Let her know how much you care about her (I thought that is true right !! but you guys hadn't spelt this out due to her so-called strange character). She will be with your family for quite a period of time right !!? until... something unfortunate happens when she leaves the world. In other word, she is part of your family (at least now she is). You maid raised you up but your in-law raised your hubby up.
All in all, I suggest communication & love
- 09-12-2006, 01:51 PM #18Registered User
- Join Date
- Sep 2006
- Island East
Unfortunately, I'm in a similar situation like Yunyun. I'm looking for a replacement for my maid.
Any recommendation of agencies for a maid?
- 09-12-2006, 04:15 PM #19Registered User
- Join Date
- Sep 2006
May be I'm poorer than you. I hired EIGHT maids within 20 months! No one maid can work with my mom more than 3 months. Most of my money spend in agency fee, airline tickets and one-month-notice salary to the maids.
I have a full time job so my 2 kids are being taken care of my mom. She is 65 years old. In order to share her work-load, I hired a maid to help her when I was going to have 2nd baby. But the nightmare began on the first day a maid came to my house....
Each day when I'm back home from work, my mom keeps telling me: the maid is lazy, not obedient, dirty, hide in the toilet for a long time, use half an hour to cook a simple meal, forgetful (eg. forget to switch off lights after going to toilet, like to answer back....).
Actually, when I have not stepped in the house and stays outside, I can hear my mom scold the maids heavily, sometimes I could hear they are quarrelling if the maids have the guts to answer back.
It's terrible! My son is 3 years old. At this stage, he learns to speak by what he listens...
But sometimes it is very quiet. My mom stays in the kitchen for cooking or in the toilet for washing clothes (she hates the washing machine: the clothes can't be washed thoroughly and wastes too much water) and asks the maid to looking after my 1-year-old daughter in the sitting room. Of course, the maids like it so much because they just do NOTHING in the sitting room. When I ask my mom why she is doing that? Why don't you look after the kid by your own instead of the maid? She starts to complain...they are lazy, inefficient, I can't wait her to spend long hours in the kitchen to have a meal. They wastes so much detergent and water to wash clothes...So I just do it by myself.
I have tried countless methods to improve the situation, e.g. hired a Cantanese speaking maid, let my mom to choose a maid from an agency, briefing is given to the maid before she starts to work with my mom, tell them to respect my mom, when my mom say yes, they cannot say no....
go to wong tai tin temple for fortune telling (i.e. Is Mary a good maid? Can she works with my mom smoothly....) But no one works.
I have thought that sometimes the problems may come from culture conflicts and miscommunication, so I have hired a local maid (very expensive). Unfornately, I received same complaints....
- 09-12-2006, 05:16 PM #20Registered User
- Join Date
- May 2006
- Sheung Wan
Oh, wow. I'm sorry for the women currently experiencing problems with the in-laws. This helps me envision a possible future scenario. One thing for sure both wife and husband must establish rules and enforce them TOGETHER. It's completely unfair to force problems with in-laws on a new mother!
I am not Chinese, but my husband is and already he has to tell his mother that nothing will be given to our baby without the doctor's consent. The thought of hiring helpers concerns my MIL (what if they steal something?!), but my husband immediately lets her now her complaints are unwelcomed. What's worse is I can't communicate with the in-laws, but my husband trusts me enough to take care of our baby the way I know how, not the way his mother raised him. I'm glad he takes my side at all times.
Good luck to all those ladies that are forced to deal with in-laws.
- 09-13-2006, 07:05 AM #21Registered User
- Join Date
- Mar 2004
- cheung chau
Wow - people here are so sympathetic to these unreasonable in-laws. If my MIL came and lived with me and then started bullying my helper then she would be straight back on the next plane to the UK. I think also if a MIL has been through 8 helpers then really the problem is clear, and it is not the maid who should go. I fully understand the problems of parental/filial responsibility etc, but really, these old women are not helping your children grow up to respect other people. If a child spends all day hearing about how these overseas helpers are all lazy thieves then how are they going to think themsleves when they are older? Bad bad bad. I agree with whoever suggested rehoming the MIL (be honest - what would you do if you had a pet that bit everyone that came to the house? Stop the visitors coming?).
- 09-13-2006, 09:20 AM #22Registered User
- Join Date
- May 2005
- Hong Kong
geiboyi, it's a chinese cultural thing to put up w/ MIL. CHinese people believe that we should ALL stay under one roof even if we get married & have grandchildren. it's also a hong kong chinese thing for the mothers of our generation to hate helpers, especially overseas helpers. if they've never had helpers, they all think they can do a better job, more efficient, more cost-effective than the helpers. my own mom complained about the 3 helpers whom she's hired from indonesia. and finally decided she'd rather manage a 4000sq ft house by herself & 1 part time chinese maid who only comes in 6 hrs/wk & she's turning 60 soon. i wish there was sth i could do but that's how stubborn they are.
then w/ MIL, i really sympathize with all of you. I live with my ILs, and i've never had problems w/ them until my baby came along. really not as big a problem as what you guys are going thru cos she's used to having helpers in the house since the day she was born & she was actually afraid of the chinese amahs who took care of her sons.
now, lucky me i found a helper who takes REALLY good care of my kids but don't get along with the other helper in the house. now i have to terminate my helper cos the other helper is making up stories about mine, and accusing her of a lot of things. i am sorry to see my helper go, but in order to have peace in the house, this is what i have to do. but frankly, my MIL is very nice in all other aspects, this is the only time when i see that she has a stand. what i'm trying to say is, even when i really get a long with my MIL, she's very understanding, I still have problems like this.
sometimes when so many people live under a roof, there will be a lot of sacrifice.
hazmom, i am very happy with my emplyment agency. it's in causeway bay, tel 28773511, look for Margaret or Winnie. the owner goes to filipines every month to interview the helpers herself.
- 09-13-2006, 07:53 PM #23Registered User
- Join Date
- Sep 2006
Joannek, my mom is alike yours. She really thinks that no one can do better than HER. When a maid finishes a job faster than her, my mom is picking at her "not tidy at all". So next time the maid spends little longer time to finish a job, my mom complains her inefficiency...
She even doesn't allow maids to wear gloves to clean toilet.
When a maid forgot about switching off the light after using it, mom scolds her "Absent-minded! Your are wasting my money". But when I tell her that she've made the same mistake sometimes, too. My mom said : "Don't challenge me! I'm old (so she has the right to forget?!). If you challenge me again, I don't help you to look after your kids!"
My mom is now very satisfied that no maid stays in the house. When I go to work, my daughter stays with her. She would rather carry my daughter on her back and cooks in the kitchen. You know, the kitchen is hot and full of smoke, and my daughter has less chance to explore the world...I've told that it isn't good for her grand-daughter. Pleas spend more time in playing with her and let her learn more.
But she said "Genius is in-born. No need to learn! You've been raised by me by the same method. Now you are quite good."
- 09-13-2006, 09:25 PM #24
and I though I had problem s with my MIL!!!
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