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should i let her cry it out?

  1. #1
    joannek is offline Registered User
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    Unhappy should i let her cry it out?

    she's already 21 mths old. she's always carried or pat to sleep. she wakes up every 2-3hrs, calling out for someone. if ignored, she'd start wailing. if you answer her thru the 2 way monitor, she continues to wail, within 1-2 minutes, she'd be screaming. if i go in soon enough, she just needs to be patted for 10-15mins, and she'd fall back to sleep. if you ignores her, she screams, cries & throw up within 3-4 mins. then it takes another hours to put her back to sleep.

    i am seriously considering to let her cry it out, even if it means, changing clothes & bedsheet several times a night. altho i don't want to let her cry it out, i have no other resort. Pls help!!

  2. #2
    msmslau is offline Registered User
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    I am sorry to hear about your daughter's sleeping situation. Yes, letting her cry to sleep might be the way to train her. But you can do that without much mess by doing:

    1. Feed her dinner at least 2-3 hours before putting her down. My daughter threw up when she wailed right before bed time this week. Then I realize I fed her too much and too late.

    2. Stick to your strategy for at least 3 days straight and do it over a weekend so you don't disturb your neighbor's sleep for work. I heard toddlers usually need 3 days to break their habits.

    3. Let her nap on her own during the day if she isn't already. The more she naps, the better she sleeps at night. It does not seem to make sense. But if a toddler does not nap well, he/she is too tired to fall asleep and becomes very fussy.

  3. #3
    barbwong_130 is offline Registered User
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    I hate the idea of controlled crying so this will be a very biased post.

    I really can’t understand how letting a child cry can in anyway improve your communication and thus your relationship with him. And I ask the people who are so in favour of the cry it out method who are they doing it for, their child or themselves. I don’t believe the argument that this is the only way to get a good night’s sleep for the parents. Surely with creative thought there is another way without upsetting the child so much.

    I realise that staying with your child may not be convenient but then did you have children to be convenient? I know I had lots of reasons to have children but I never thought for one moment that it was going to be easy. Your baby is only 21 months, my 13 year old has been sleeping with me for the last three nights because he’s ill. Each night he’s woken up in the early hours and needed medicine. This hasn’t been great fun for me but isn’t this just the sort of thing you do for your children – after all if you don’t, who will?

    The whole philosophy of parenting seems to have moved from looking after the child to fitting the child into our lives. And our lives have become so busy that the time we wish to interact with our children is becoming shorter and shorter. Then because the children actually want more from us we are resorting to methods such as cry it out. Not for their good but for ours – so we can continue to live our busy lives without inconvenience.

    Now to back up my views!

    The following is taken from the The Australian Association of Infant Mental Health’s Policy Statement on Controlled Crying (if you want a copy of this e-mail me at [email protected])

    • Almost all children grow out of the need to wake at night and be reassured by three or four years of age, many much earlier than this.

    • Infants are more likely to develop secure attachments when their distress is responded to promptly, consistently and appropriately. Secure attachments in infancy are the foundation for good adult mental health.

    • Infants whose parents respond and attend to their crying promptly, learn to settle more quickly in the long run, as they become secure in the knowledge that their needs for emotional comfort will be met.

    • Infants from about six months of age suffer from differing degrees of anxiety when separated from their carers. This continues until they can learn that their carers will return when they leave, and that they are safe. This learning may take up to three years.

    • Waking in older infants and young children may be due to separation anxiety, and in these cases sleeping with or next to a parent is a valid option. This often enables all to get a good night's sleep.

    • Any methods to assist parents in getting a good night’s sleep should not compromise the infant's developmental and emotional needs.

    • If "controlled crying" is to be used it would be most appropriate after the child has an understanding of the meaning of the parent's words, to know that the parent will be coming back and to be able to feel safe without the parent's presence. Developmentally this takes about three years. This varies between children and observing children and responding to their cues is the best way to assess when a child feels safe sleeping alone.

  4. #4
    joannek is offline Registered User
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    barbwong, i TOTALLY agree with you!! that is why we attaned to her every need & she has become a very confident & happy child (my friends who are kindergarten teachers in Canada were actually amazed at how confident she is at sucj a young age, which confirms my choice of care for her is right). :Butbut the thing is, her waking up so frequently & needed to be pat for 15 mins every 2-3 hours has left every one in poor health. she's sick every 6 weeks (although she's happy & playful everyday even when her nose is runny & coughing). we're tired everyday and lacking sleep & our health is also deteriating. i would NEVER have thought this crying out method would be on MY table if it wasn't a health concern..... ( i am battling & was weeping as i was typing this thread question.)

  5. #5
    joannek is offline Registered User
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    plus we do attend to her very promptly, never more than 30 seconds, i dare say. i have tried to talk to her about it, and explain to her that she can go back to sleep on her on when she wakes up in the middle of the night and how we all do. and how it's gonna make us very tired & it's a selfish thing to do. she looks at me, smiles & says "no" very firmly. she obviously wants to be pat in the middle of night & she loves it.

  6. #6
    barbwong_130 is offline Registered User
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    If you feel that lack of sleep is affecting your health, and everyone else’s in the family, what have you done to get more sleep? Do you take afternoon naps? Does your daughter? One good way of getting more sleep and so being able to cope with disturbed nights is to sleep during the day.

    My youngest daughter went through a phase of wanting to get up and play in the middle of the night. I can assure you this was the last thing I wanted to do. But she wasn’t interested in sleeping anymore and I didn’t want her disturbing the rest of the family, who needed to sleep at night so they could work and study during the day. So I would put the TV on and we’d lie together on the settee. Most often we’d fall asleep together and I’d wake up later and move us back to bed. During this phase afternoon naps were a God send.

    I have another friend, whose children are now school age, who still has afternoon naps – I know never to ring her between 1:00 pm and 3:00 pm. In fact listening to her talk is quite funny, she sounds like she’s talking about a toddler. “I’ve missed my nap twice this week and I’m getting so irritable – I even shouted at the kids before dinner time today!”

    Maybe afternoon naps won’t help you but I believe there must be a solution it is just a matter of finding it.

    Best wishes,
    Barb

  7. #7
    joannek is offline Registered User
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    she takes a nap between 12 noon to 1 pm. sometimes for 45 mins - 1.30 hrs. when she takes a nap, i cook her lunch, and runs to the supermarket or other errands. i do have a helper but she also needs to do housework. by the time i'm done with making lunch & errands, she's up. the only thing that i can do is sleep before 9pm so that i can manage with her waking up at night. but then nothing gets done, she sleeps between 7-8pm, by the time she sleeps, i have dinner & a little private time with hubby and i have to sleep. that's what i used to do when i was nursing her, cos she was nursing every 3 hrs.

  8. #8
    barbwong_130 is offline Registered User
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    It is very tempting to use the time that a child naps to get things done. But if you really believe that your health is suffering from lack of sleep this is an ideal time to rest even if you can’t sleep.

    I know that everything takes much longer when you have the ‘help’ of a little one. But remember that you are doing two jobs in one, the original job and looking after your child too.

    If you really believe that you can’t rest while your daughter is napping maybe there is another time for you to catch up on sleep. How about an early night and foregoing the private time with your husband every now and then? Or maybe asking your helper to take your daughter to the park so you can have a nap?

    You don’t have to do the same thing every day but if your health is suffering you do need to find someway of getting more rest.

    Remember this is not a life sentence your daughter will grow up and won’t be this needy for ever. And by answering her needs I’m sure you will have a better relationship than if you don’t.

    Barb

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