Forums  •  Classifieds  •  Events  •  Directory

Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast

baby boy at 14 months start addict to helper

  1. #9
    sky123 is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Hong Kong
    I too am a working mother but my baby is still very attached to me, as like Eva, I look after the baby myself when I don't have to work (every evening, weekend and public hol). Its is very very tiring but its great being able to bond with my baby.

  2. #10
    HappyV is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    May 2005
    If your child's primary carer is the helper, then of course they are going to feel more attached to them - espcially when they are young and so many of their needs are physical (feed me, change me, play with me, cuddle me).
    As papajack said - the only solution is to spend more time with your kids - and not just "let's all go shopping, stick the baby in a pram all day on Sunday" kind of time - but real time when you get down on teh floor with them and play and talk and chase and cuddle.
    It never ceases to amaze me that there is a breed of HKer who thinks they can have it all - 100% clean and tidy falt, good jobs for mum and dad, lovely baby - and are then surprised when there is any sacrifice involved.

  3. #11
    hkaussie is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Hong Kong
    It is true, you can't have it all.

    But if you do have to work, then I think a nanny/helper is a wonderful arrangement, and you should look at the positives. Your child is getting one-on-one care from someone they absolutely love! They are not in a group of 20 children with a few teachers at childcare every day, they are being nurtured and cared for by someone that truly loves them back, as most of these helpers do.

    Remember, you would be quite upset if your child wasn't attached to their helper, and was miserable with her throughout the day. In these very early years, children need to be attached to one person primarily and it will be the one who spends most of the time with them.

    If you have made the choice to go back to work, then you just need to accept that while your child is very little, he will probably prefer the helper for day to day comfort.

    It will be very different as he grows older, as long as you are a loving, hands on, highly involved Mummy, don't worry.

  4. #12
    Sumei is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Hong Kong

    I couldn't agree more with HappyV's comments - the problem in Asia (with the ability to hire affordable full time domestic help and have parents and in-laws drop their own lives to become surrogate parents) is that our generation believe we can have it all - good income stream from both parents working, beautiful house and beautiful bonded family......funny thing is that I have yet to see an example of 2 career parents with well adjusted, secure and happy children and and a happy can't have your cake and eat it too!!!!!
    While I do understand a proportion of working mothers work becos they financially cannot afford not to (ie the family would starve) but there are a whole host of women who work for semi-selfish reasons (this is not an attack on the modern women, men can easily give up their careers to be home makers too) eg. to afford 3 investment properties in different countries etc. Our children don't need more toys/better schools/fancy holidays etc, they need either their mum or dad at home with them full time (I have heard so many rationalising of "quality time" with children - children don't have this adult concept of "quality time", they need you there when they are happy AND when they are sad/lonely/scared) imparting their values on their children. Alot of mothers think it's an ok situation given helper is supervised by 2 sets of grandparents and possibly even a 2nd helper but for a little person growing up, this is just more confusing, a russian roulette of helping hands not knowing who they are going to get within a day and parents wonder why their LOs are confused/unsettled/displaying "different" behaviour? Children don't need a whole host of attendees, they need their main caregiver to provide security, a sense of belonging, stability....for those that are having issues with your helper being too attached to your LO, at least they are developing an attachment to someone. There is a whole host of emotional and psychological developmental problems that come with babies/toddlers who do not "attach" - I am no children development expert but do google "Attachment Disorders in children" for a insightful read.

  5. #13
    Matty is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Sai Kung
    I have to disagree with sumei's comment that there isn't such a thing as happy, secure, well adjusted children who come from 2 career familes.
    While I myself am in the fortunate postion of being able to choose to be a fulltime mum, for others that in not a choice they can make for economic reasons.
    Making people feel that they are harming their children by going to work isn't very fair.

    I worked as a Nanny in HK for 6 years, and saw great examples of loving families, who through either choice or nescessity both parents worked fulltime.
    The addition of caring helpers and nannies, only meant that the children had additional people who loved them.
    Be happy if you find a helper or nanny that your child will take comfort from.
    When children are young, they need to attach to a primary caregiver, so if during this time that happens to be a nanny or helper, it's not actually the child that is suffering it's the mummy!
    The child can still be happy and secure, as long as he is cared for and loved.
    As children get older, relationships broaden and eventually they understand who is who, and generally they understand that no-one can take the place of mummy and daddy.

    The happiest family I've ever known, had two fulltime working parents.
    They just set things up as best as they could to make sure there was balance.
    One or both of them was always home for stories and bedtime.
    Weekends were about the family, they would spend the time together doing activites they could all enjoy such as camping, hiking, going to the beach etc.

    I'm sure a lot of us grew up in 2 income households, where we didn't have the advantage of one to one care, and instead were in daycare.
    I was, and i like to think that I'm not too maladjusted!

  6. #14
    joannek is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Hong Kong
    i totally agree with Matty. while there are parents who leave EVRYTHING to the helper/nanny & then complain that the child is too attached to the helper, and there are also a lot who make an effort to spend quality time with their children after work, eg being home every day for baby's bath & bedtime, spending fun times together on weekends, changing nappies, cuddling.

    it is quite unfair to working mothers to say that their children will not be happy if they work. i was lucky enuf to have a nanny who loved my child (i later let her go because of her character issues). despite whatever wrong the nanny did that eventually i let her go, i could tell she loved my child very much & i thank her for every bit of love she's given us.

  7. #15
    Tong.kate is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Park Avenue

    Child attachment to helper

    Great to hear so many sharing on it. In fact, my baby boy is back to normal now. He did not attached to helper too much la. In fact, I do spend time with my baby both after work and weekend, we care him very much, but not in physical level. We leave the diaper changing work, feeding, bathing... to helpers. As day time work is exhasted. Still I spend time to plan activities and play with him.
    It is true that full time mom will be better to baby, but I stay in workforce, to be working mom, due to:
    1) part of financial reason and emotional support my husband.
    2) I prefer to have some personal progression, to stay close with the society, I think this will keep me more alert on what's happening in the world of earns a living. I even be more positive, and take more initiative to improve myself, like time management, attend some seminar from musimum (aiming to develop myself with appreciation of art, music)... to aim for setting a good example and grow with my boy. That's true as my colleague also notice of my change.
    3) I am not very confident if I can stay strong if I quit my normal life, but pure work on baby issue. I do worry if too much attention and focus may hurt my baby. I guess this is my personal problem.

    So, in fact, I am looking for a half day job, so that I can further have more time with my family issue. Again, I fully appreciate those who contribute herself as full time mommy, and understand those who remain in working force. I always dreaming of 'half day work".......

  8. #16
    jane01 is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Hong Kong
    Wow, some quite harsh answers here !

    Also some good advice. Particularly that when you're home, you are the parent.

    After each of my girls was born, I took a year (yes 12 months!) off work and only returned part time (3 days a week), which I still work. The helper only works when I'm home to catch up on the cleaning and ironing. This is usually just half a day (so in total she works about 3.5 days a week). Both girls only want MUMMY when I'm home.

    However, over Easter I went to Australia for 5 days for my brother's wedding with the eldest (4) and left the baby (1) at home with my husband and helper. The baby had a cold and I didn't want to take her all the way and back in five days when she was at a difficult age for travel and sick. When I returned, I noticed that she was starting to prefer the helper. I was devastated. A few weeks down the track, we seem to be ok.

    With work, I'm absolutely torn. My 4 year old gives me a lot of grief about it ("stay home mummy", etc). I want to set the example of a good work ethic. I want them to understand that both men and women work. Selfishly, I put a lot of effort into my experience and qualifications and want to continue using them. My father passed away when I was 8 and my youngest brother was only 2. My mum had no choice about working.

    I am very lucky to be in Hong Kong and to be able to hire a helper who is close to the girls. I'd hate to be back in Australia sending them to daycare.

    Working parents are not just selfish money grabbers. There are as many reasons for working as there are parents in the workforce.

    Wherever possible, I think it is important to set a good balance between work and home. Working part time and sticking to my hours has been the best for us. I think if more people in HK pushed for it, it would become more common and acceptable.

Page 2 of 3 FirstFirst 123 LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. When should I start looking for helper?
    By Gataloca in forum Helper Forums
    Replies: 13
    Last Post: 03-11-2016, 04:47 PM
  2. To start solids at 5 months or not??
    By lisa88 in forum Feeding Baby
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: 08-11-2009, 10:53 AM
  3. Helper needed for 3 months baby
    By castcafe in forum Helper Forums
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 02-13-2008, 04:18 PM
  4. Looking for live-in helper to start Feb 2008
    By echance in forum Helper Forums
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 12-06-2007, 12:26 PM
  5. Helper to start in June
    By sophwillsmum in forum Helper Forums
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 04-10-2007, 11:06 PM

Tags for this Thread

Scroll to top