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baby boy at 14 months start addict to helper

  1. #1
    Tong.kate is offline Registered User
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    baby boy at 14 months start addict to helper

    Dear Parents,

    My baby boy is 14 months now. He used to be very cute and love smiling. Recent week, he was sick and tend to be easy crying. Even he is getting better now, he still easy to cry. Also, when my domestic helper go to toilet, kithen or excuse for a while, he cried a lot, and always looking for her. My friend told me that her son was like that...but addict to mommy. I am worrying if this is normal, as he is quite outgoing before, not stick to particular person only. Also, he is so addict to Domestic helper, may imply my care/bonding to him is not enough? When this situation will be improved? I am a bit sad about that.
    Also, he goes to playgroup during weekdays with Grand parent, in recent times, he insist to have helper to attend playgroup with him, instead of grandma/pa, it is also a bit sad to grand,a/pa. Should we allow him to accompany with helper, so that he can well attend and enjoy the playgroup, or we should insist grandpa with him, even he may keep walking or looking for helper during playgroup? very confusing? worry if allow more accompanying by helper may even make it difficult to sepepate him from helper and be dependent, or does it imply spoiling?
    Anyone can share with me?

    (BTW, nothing wrong with my helper, as she always good to my baby since he born. She take care of his daily routines well and play with him when I go to work. Grand parent visit him every afternoon during weekday.)

  2. #2
    meimei is offline Registered User
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    Hi there,
    I'm sort of having the same problem. My baby is only 8.5 months old. She's also very attached to my helper. My helper is also excellent and has been looking after her since birth. I brought my baby to Kindermusik and I need to ask my helper to step out of the room because my baby would keep looking at her instead of enjoying the class with me. She was crying a lot but I insisted on that for a couple of times and now she's o.k. I personally think we should try to spend as much time with our baby as possible and do let the grandparents handle him more often so he's more use to other people. My friend's son also cried and screamed for the helper when he was sick once. I think when they are sick they just tend to look for the person they are most attached to. They can't help looking for the helper since that's the person that looks after them the most. I think this is just a phase though. Probably after they reach 4 or 5, they will certainly know that you're his mom. That's what my friend told me. Anyway, I guess this is what we pay for for having the convenience of a helper to look after our baby....


    Quote Originally Posted by Tong.kate View Post
    Dear Parents,

    My baby boy is 14 months now. He used to be very cute and love smiling. Recent week, he was sick and tend to be easy crying. Even he is getting better now, he still easy to cry. Also, when my domestic helper go to toilet, kithen or excuse for a while, he cried a lot, and always looking for her. My friend told me that her son was like that...but addict to mommy. I am worrying if this is normal, as he is quite outgoing before, not stick to particular person only. Also, he is so addict to Domestic helper, may imply my care/bonding to him is not enough? When this situation will be improved? I am a bit sad about that.
    Also, he goes to playgroup during weekdays with Grand parent, in recent times, he insist to have helper to attend playgroup with him, instead of grandma/pa, it is also a bit sad to grand,a/pa. Should we allow him to accompany with helper, so that he can well attend and enjoy the playgroup, or we should insist grandpa with him, even he may keep walking or looking for helper during playgroup? very confusing? worry if allow more accompanying by helper may even make it difficult to sepepate him from helper and be dependent, or does it imply spoiling?
    Anyone can share with me?

    (BTW, nothing wrong with my helper, as she always good to my baby since he born. She take care of his daily routines well and play with him when I go to work. Grand parent visit him every afternoon during weekday.)

  3. #3
    mosmom is offline Registered User
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    Agree with MeiMei. The helper must be GOOD, which means she takes good care of the baby/child and probably also emotionally cares about the child quite a bit, such that the child gets also emotionally attached to the helper.. And babies that age really need somebody to turn to on a moment-to-moment basis (coz they have many needs). When mommy is working all day, obviously a relationship between helper and child inevitably establishes and even becomes very close.
    In your case, it seems that the grandparents would have some amount of time to get involved. So why not work out a plan, e.g. helper only takes care of household and grandparents take care of the child; or helper gets involved only in "mechanical" help (changing diapers, bathing, feeding), but no cuddling and ****ing with the child, no obvious show of affection..
    Hope you can work it out, and don't be sad. It's most working moms' issue in HK. Also, it's good to know that your baby is in good hands while you're away rather than having a feeling that he won't be safe and happy during the day.

  4. #4
    kellyst is offline Registered User
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    Agree with everyone. it's so normal for working moms, and we all work through the same issues. my girl 1.5 yo now gets attached to different people at different times.

    Morning is daddy (that's the only time she sees daddy for a while), she won't even **** me in the morning, during the day is grandmas and helpers, who are her main caretaker throughout the day, we are lucky to have two helpers who we switch around weekly in taking care of her and household work (that helps a bit with the attachment problem), but she still prefers one over the other. and she is more attached to me for bedtime (i am insistent that i put her to bed every night). but the attachment to me has only started the past few months.

    It was very depressing before for me as well, when you feel like you are so low down on the 'attachment list', it's like helpers, grandmothers, daddy and then maybe it's my turn. that totally sucks... but i guess be consistent in 'fighting' for time with your baby, it will pay off. for example at playgroups, i try get my helper out of site, she still asks for her when she gets tired, but the reaction tends to be less if she does not see her around.

    Know that you have a lot of other moms in the same boat, and also be grateful that your helper is given your baby such good care.

  5. #5
    ELT
    ELT is offline Registered User
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    my boy almost 7 months now, has a very simple bedtime routine -- pacifier + helper. No one else can make him sleep. He would just toss and turn, arch his back and seem really frustrated as very tired but not able to fall asleep, until the helper take over, hold him for 2 minutes and viola, asleep! No exaggeration, he would stop crying as soon as he's in the helper's arms!

  6. #6
    joannek is offline Registered User
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    there are several threads herre about this problem. go to search & type in "attached to helper" . it will give you some insight.

    i was one of the moms who were so upset about my daughter attaching to the helper. she's now 2. she's also attached to the helper, but most of the time she says "mamy, mamy, mamy". by the time your baby can talk you'll know that your baby knows you're the mother & he'll be a lot more attahced to you.

  7. #7
    papajack is offline Registered User
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    Toddler prefers helpers

    This is a situtation that I see so often, especially in the current and former schools that I have taught in. I saw kids in bad moods when their parents brought them to school instead of the helpers. Or when the helpers go on long holidays or when the old one is replaced by a new one. Some kids even cry continuously for months.

    It's only normal for toddlers to be close to the person(s) that spend the most time with them. This is the reason why my wife is a full-time housewife. We don't have a helper and she works on Saturdays when I'm not teaching. But working parents don't have that option.

    One way to help this problem is for one of the parents to cut their working hours and spend more time with their child. Some parents even quit their jobgs. There really isn't any other way around it.

  8. #8
    eva
    eva is offline Registered User
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    I have exactly the same envy towards my very good helper from the very beginning. So I worked out a routine and now my baby is attached to me, and I am a working mom too. It takes a lot of energy and persistence but it sure pays off, and when you come to think of it, your baby is only gonna be this small once in your life time. (when they are teenagers, they wanna fly away and be free...)
    1) Every morning, wake your baby up yourself, or be the first person she sees when she's up. Then do the changing diapers and clothes for her, feed her breakfast or milk yourself. Just do everything yourself without your maid around until you have to go to work. Eat breakfast together or play a bit. Maid has to be out of sight.
    2) Every evening after work, again maid can go back to her usual household chores and leave baby to you to take care. Again, please ask her not to distract baby when he's with you. Do all the diaper changing yourself. Playtime and dinner time is with mama and papa. Of course that means you have to feed her yourself. Bathtime is definitely parent's time. And finally mom should put baby to bed everynight without maid around. This will take a while for baby to get used to but again spend as many hours with him and reassure him he's not alone.
    3) Spend all weekends with baby and try to do everything yourself as if you have no maid. Please dont bring maid along if you are all going out and try to take care of baby yourself in restaurants and going out. It's not that hard really. That's what parents are suppose to do by the way. We are just so spoiled in HK with helpers we forgot it's our job to be the parents.
    4) A lot of people have the maid sleep with baby, it's better to have yourself with baby or baby alone and you looking out for him during the night. That way whenever he awakes and find mommy he'll grow to attached security and warmth to you.
    5) Have a good talk with your helper to explain how important it is for her not to disturb or distract baby when you are home. Make her understand you want to have a closer bonding with the child and you need her cooperation to help achieve that.
    There is really no easy way but if you put in the work and time, it'll pay off. I have lost probably 700 hours of sleep in my baby's first year but when my baby would stop crying/temper whenever I carry her, or reach out her arms for me when I come home from work, it sure is a good feeling.
    If you decide to let the maid take care of him, then don't whine and eventually they will know who the mommy is (as all my friends tell me).

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