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am I being mean?

  1. #9
    madaboutCows is offline Registered User
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    I totally understand why you would be frustrated but you can't control everything your helper does surely? I mean, telling her to eat at a certain time, what if she wasn't hungry? Isn't this a bit much? Maybe you are always on at her for something or other that's why now she's becoming defiant? Just a thought.

  2. #10
    joannek is offline Registered User
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    yeah, that's why i wonder if i'm being mean. i mean, she gets up whenever my daughter gets up, sometimes at 6am, sometimes at 8.30am. since my daughter doesn'e sleep well, i let her sleep in. and sometimes ask her to take naps during the day so she catches up on sleep. but this morning, my daughter woke at 8am. she needs to leave the house at 8.30am. by the time we got her ready, the helper went to the bathroom it was 8.25am. so i asked her to eat her breakfast. so if she doesn't at now, she'd have to wait until 12 noon, when my daughter's playgroup finishes & they get home.

    i also thought about whether i'm always on at her for sth... but it's only when she's ruined sth because she didn't follow my instructions or raises her voice. any other time, i only give her instructions & want her to know what i want. i need to give clear instructions, cos if not she doesn't understand.

    when she first arrived, she had horrible body odor, and horrendous breath. the 2nd day she arrived i bought her some bath gel, shampoo & conditioner. 1 mth later, she still smelled, so i gently asked her if she know her breath smell. she told me it's because of her false teeth & she needs some "medicine" for it. so i went to the pharmacist & bought her some medicine for false teeth. turns out she needed the disinfectant tablets for the teeth. so i bought a big box of that for her. 1 mth later, her breath still smelled (i'm sorry to say, but really like shit, whenever i get close to her when she's talking, i thought my daughter pooed!)

    the first 3 mths she was here, i never understood her, and neither did my husband. i later learnt that even our other helper doesn't understand her in tagalog. when i try to teach her how to correctly say sth in english, she gets defensive & also offended. i was just trying to avoid further miscommunication.

    i am seriously looking for a helper already, i went to Dak Shing (you know the big agent with the ad), but everytime i chose one, they later told me she's not coming.

  3. #11
    somebodyfamous's Avatar
    somebodyfamous is offline Registered User
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    wow, I'm amazed at your patience with her. You need another helper, she's adding stress to your lives.... Good luck in finding one.

    If I suggested to my helper to eat at a certain time, with an explanation why - my helper would either eat it then or after 12 noon - her choice - but she wouldn't argue with me or cry or raise her voice. So you're not being mean, you're being manipulated by your helper.

  4. #12
    aussiegal is offline Registered User
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    It really sounds like you've been reasonable. She just shouldn't raise her voice at your for anything.

    As for the smelly thing sorry to say but this made me really laugh. Whilst our helper doesn't have bad breath she has such a pungent smell that when we get up in the morning the entire house reeks of her despite the fact that she sleeps off the kitchen with two more doors separating her from the living room. I've given her heaps of toiletries, deodorant etc but it's just not helping. I hate bad smells (and this is bad) and don't know what to do. My husband who normally can't smell a thing comes home and complains about the smell that hits him when he walks in the door!

    When she moved in with us I got her to wash all of her clothes but it didn't make any difference. I have to burn candles all day long and leave the kitchen window open even when it's hot because she sleeps just off it. I hate smelling bad odour in the kitchen of all places!

    Apart from that she's pretty good! Anyone got any suggestions or been through what we are going through?

  5. #13
    Ewee is offline Registered User
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    Aussiegal: My old maid two years ago was really smelly arm pits. I end up buying an eletric room odor (Glades) and plug in! in the kitchen and front door. It works for us. Tx GOD! luckly-- our new maid is pretty clean.

    Hope this will help.

  6. #14
    aussiegal is offline Registered User
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    thanks Ewee, I'll give that a try.

  7. #15
    barbwong_130 is offline Registered User
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    I don’t think you are being mean because mean implies that you actually have bad feelings. But I think there is always a tendency to assume that others think the same way you do. And that if you explain your thinking they will, of course, agree with you. But I’ve learnt this isn’t true. Everyone bring different priorities and experiences to a situation, and with this situation we are adding in different cultures too.

    I always try to imagine how I’d feel if my boss were saying it to me. (Again making the assumption that others will think like me.) I wouldn’t like my boss to question me about what I had for my breakfast and so I wouldn’t question my employees about it. I also don’t question my teenage children any more. If they feel hungry because they haven’t eaten breakfast then they will have to deal with it. It is their discomfort, not mine. And for some people it is only by living through the discomfort that motivates them to change the situation.

    One tool I found very useful when bringing up my children, and I think it can also help with the employer/employee relationship, is to ask, “Whose problem is it?”

    In the case of the breakfast it is clearly the maid’s problem and not the employers. So as the employer don’t worry about it. In the case of the bad smell it is the employer’s problem so deal with it.

  8. #16
    witty_han is offline Registered User
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    hi everyone! especially joannek, i really felt sorry for your dh because she did took your kindness and being understanding for granted. she's lucky cause you hired her but she did not do her best. if you're still looking for a dh and if want to hire former hk dh direct from Philippines please check classifieds section of www.geoexpat.com there's a post there looking for a job or email me at [email protected], i will then send my resume and qualifications to you. by the way, i am very meticulous in regards of hygiene and cleanliness =)

    thank you very much!

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