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am I being mean?

  1. #33
    spockey is offline Registered User
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    Good Luck with your search joannek! I know how hard it is to find someone reliable.

  2. #34
    HappyV is offline Registered User
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    Get another helper, pay the other one off: but consider what you demands are - if you were looking after your daughter all day, what would you consider a reasonable workload, and a reasnable standard? Would you really expect everything to be cleaned to perfection every single day? I know that my mother brought up three children from home, with no help, and our bathroom and kitchen were certainly hygenic, but not cleaned every day.

    However, if you're at home 24/7 you may consider leaving more of the household duties to the hlerp and spending more time with your daughter yourself. From your own comments you have at least some time in your flat where are are three adults present, so you should be able to spend as much time with her as possible.
    She is still quite young, and these days fly by very fast.

  3. #35
    joannek is offline Registered User
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    thanks, happyv. i do spend a lot of time with my daughter. and with that little time spent with my daughter she still makes the mistakes, and with those little things she does for her - like boiling pasta only (and i make the sauce), she does it wrong.

    well, i have already decided to let her go. i started this thread just wanting to know whether i am being mean. it seems like we have a conclusion here with a lot of you being very supportive. =)

  4. #36
    luvourbb is offline Registered User
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    geiboyi,

    fyi, i paid my lazy indonesian maid hk$4,000 per month and she travelled with us whenever we go for holiday (to tokyo, australia, indonesia & singapore) with all her expenses and accomodation paid by us. And the worst part, she still does not know how to appreciate or grateful at all. She acts as she deserves all of it.

  5. #37
    geiboyi is offline Registered User
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    I would agree with her. If my employer was so rude about me I would certainly expect to be paid well for my time. And when you took her on 'holiday' and paid all 'her' expenses, was she free to spend the time as she wished? Or was she cleaning up after you/your children? I also don't understand why she should be grateful to you - I am not grateful to my employer, I am paid to do my job. If anything, they should be grateful that I choose to work for them.

  6. #38
    barbwong_130 is offline Registered User
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    A few years ago my employer sent me to give a lecture at a conference in London. It so happened that it was a week when my brother and his wife were to be on holiday in London and also the week before my father was due for surgry. This meant that I could take my daughter with me, as my brother and his wife were happy to baby sit for the two days of the conference and I could take an extra one week's leave to visit my parents during this anxious time for them.

    I was obviously very happy that all the arrangements worked out so well. But I wasn't grateful to my empolyer for sending me to London. After all I was going to do a job for him. And a job that he thought I did well enough to be happy to pay me for doing it.

    There should be no place in the employee/employer relationship for gratitude. The employer should feel that he/she is getting value for money. And the employee should feel satified with the money she is getting for the work involved. If this isn't the case the relationship is unlikely to last long.

  7. #39
    joannek is offline Registered User
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    what barbwong said sounds quite reasonable.

    but i suddenly have a thought. the case for filipino helpers might be different cos if it weren't for their employers in hk, whoever it may be that chose to hire him/her, he/she would be earning HK$500/mth as a DH in th filipines. i would not be grateful in hk for a job i well worth paid for, but i'd be grateful if someone overseas is willing to pay me 8 times what i'm worth in hk. of course, us bringing our DH with us on round the world trips meaning DH still needs to work. but if not for that chance, they might never be able to travel to so many places and learn so many things & see the world.

    my previous DH was grateful for everything i taught her, & the chance to see the world, the chance to enjoy all the luxurious things that come with working for me (at least luxurious in their standard). (well, at least that what she told me) and i am grateful to her for treating my daughter like her own.

  8. #40
    barbwong_130 is offline Registered User
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    Joanne, I find your last post a very strange argument.

    How grateful do you feel towards your filipino helper that she is willing to work for you and so you don’t have to employ a local Chinese helper who would only work from 8:00 am to 6:00 pm and cost you double what you are currently paying?

    And how grateful do you feel towards your filipino helper that she is willing to give up the chance of having a family life to come and work for you in Hong Kong?

    It is always possible to look at something from the other side. And I’m not saying that occasionally feeling grateful about something the employer or employee does is wrong. What worries me is the expectation that an employee or employer "should" be grateful.

    It was implied that the employee should constantly feel grateful for having a job and grateful for having the opportunity to travel the world. This is assuming that the helper has the same expectations as the employer. It may be that the helper loves to travel and really enjoys this aspect of her work. On the other hand, she may be more like me, and hate travelling and just wish to stay at home most of the time. It is not reasonable to expect everyone, especially someone from a different culture and with different life experiences, to want the same things you want in life.

    Now I’m only human and I’ve been upset about lack of gratitude in relationships in the past. But generally it is with my children not my employees. And what I’ve found is when I’m feeling this way it is time to look at the motivation behind my actions. If I have no other reason than to help I can easily stop doing it. However, my motives are generally more complex and so I carry on helping. But because I understand why I’m doing it my resentment has gone.

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