[AndreaY]

I am Chinese, but educated in UK with western educated parents also, so I do not believe in the traditional Chinese pre/post natal eating and drinking restrictions etc. My inlaws however are very traditional and had many suggestions on what not to do, eat or drink. When I had my daughter, I was a little annoyed at first with what they said (cos I think most had no scientific basis and have been passed down from a time when things were generally dirty and unhygenic and required those precautions).

However, I realised that they only tell me those things cos they cared about the welfare of me and the baby. I just followed it whilst they were around, so they felt that the "best" way was followed. If your mil does not live with you, I would say that to make everyone happy, just pretend to be following what she says when she is around. Afterall, she does not know what you do, eat or drink when she is not there.

BTW, my mil is very traditional, but she never insisted to buy all the bed linen and clothes. But if she feels to do so, maybe you can go with her to choose, so you do not end up with stuff you do not like or want. Also the 1 month celebration, it is no longer a "must" nowadays, most of my friends did not hold such banquets. I did have an afternoon tea at home for friends and family so everyone got to see the baby. If you think it's too much to cope with at 1 month, but your mil still insists, I also have friends who did the 2 month/100 days celebration instead and that maybe an option to consider.

I did have ginger chicken rice for a few days and tried to rinse off with ginger water after shower only cos my mil spent time cooking the rice and drying the ginger peel for the water. Personally, I dun think it does anything, although I have friends who swear by its effectiveness. I am now 6 months pregnant and definitely will not be doing it again this time round. I still remembering complaining to my hubby about having the same food very meal and I made him eat it with me. In the end, we could only endure it for a few days.

[arleneli]

HI,

I married to a very traditional chinese family. I grew up in australia, and didnt know anything about the tradition. My in laws even speaks their own chinese language (not mandarin/cantonese).

My MIL told me everything about the tradition as soon as I announced my pregnancy. 1 month party is not a must for us but it is a nice family gathering. My husband has a very big one...like about 30-40 peoples (cousins and their family). I like the gathering actually, i learned a lot about taking care of the baby, schools, etc. His cousins shared a lot.

My MIL suggested that I took the baby to her house when i am working so that she can keep an eye on the maid and also help her in case any problem arise. Actually, lucky she was there when my baby got high fever. She took her to the doctor right away. She gave up her mahjong time just to see everything is ok.

about clothes... she bought a lot... not because a must but because she loves our baby and loves shopping :)

You can take shower as soon as you feel ready if you have natural delivery, but taking bath with warm water is better, in case you catch a cold. After giving birth your body will be weak. So avoiding cold stuff is reasonable.

Dont worry a lot. Talk to your hubby about the things you want to do and dont want to do. Then discuss with your MIL.

Communication is everything.

About chinese name, my FIL suggested some names. Then my hubby and I got to choose one. But some chinese family really have their own list of chinese names, and all of children in that generation need to use that.

Try to compromise with her. She has to accept your tradition and you need to accept hers. Otherwise, you hubby suffers.

[Biscuit]

Thanks to everyone for your replies!

In answer to a few questions:

• Yes this is the first grandchild for both our families (a very exciting time)
• Yes, my husband is the ‘first’ and only son in his family (so an extra special time for his parents!)
• We live in Australia (and so do both our families)
• Baby due in 1 month!

ELT, I agree. I think my MIL is very excited about the impending arrival and is using ‘tradition’ as a way of becoming involved. I do respect my MIL and agree that it’s important that (as half Chinese) our child be brought up knowing about Chinese culture etc.

In saying that though…sometimes it’s very difficult. She forgets that I’m not Chinese and therefore don’t feel the need to follow some traditions. It’s not out of disrespect though. And sometimes I think she forgets to respect my culture and the way I’ve been raised.

So…this is what I’ve done and am going to do…

• MIL can buy as many clothes/linen as she wants! But it hasn’t & won’t stop me from buying things also. I’m excited too, it’s my first baby!

• Showering after birth. For me, this is a must! I’m not Chinese…so I hope she understands that I won’t be following this tradition.

• 40 days of confinement. Again, not for me! (Not the plan anyway). I’ve already invited my Mum (who is a nurse and trained midwife) to stay for a couple of weeks to help out. But I plan on going for walks and leaving the house every now and then to keep my sanity! I’m also looking forward to spending quality ‘alone’ time with my baby and wouldn’t expect my Mum to stay for an entire month!

I do not feel ‘close’ to my MIL…so wouldn't feel uncomfortable with her caring for me for staying for a month. I’ve mentioned to my husband that we could invite her to stay for a couple of weeks after we are settled-in.

• Warm drinks only. Again, not for me! This sounds like a tradition that Chinese women follow. I’m keen to follow traditions for our child sake…not for me!

• One month dinner. Sounds very important to the Chinese culture…so YES to this one! But I may ask MIL to hold off setting any dates until after the baby is born…just to see how I am coping and if having it after 30 days is ‘realistic’! (I may end up having an emergency C-section etc). Maybe after 2 months? I’ll request it’s just close family (because we have already hosted a baby shower recently…). Plus, we plan on Christening our baby Catholic after about 4months (which involves a small party). (She probably won’t be happy about that!). Oh well...that's the part where she has to respect my culture/religion.

• MIL selecting Chinese name. My husband and I have decided to let this one go. She can choose the name, but we choose the English Christian name. Just out of interest – does the Chinese name usually go on the birth certificate? I know my husbands is…but his sister doesn’t have it on hers (it’s more symbolic thing).

• MIL to care for baby while I go back to work. Not going to happen! I’m giving birth to this child and I plan on raising it too! That’s how it works in my culture. Plus…if she lived in the same City as me…I may go insane! (she means well….but is very controlling).

• Language. The child will be raised in Australia, so first and foremost I think it should learn English. (Of course learning Cantonese is important too). I think we will cross this bridge when we come to it! The baby won’t start speaking till after 12 months anyway!

So…that’s the plan! Are there any other ‘traditions’ I should be aware of?

[capital]

I am canadian and live in canada with my chinese husband. Mother in law lives in Hong kong. Having an ocean between us is wonderful because I can take or leave what she says. My mother-in-law warned me against sharp objects such as knives and scissors. She didn't send lots of clothes and linens, but was very generous to us with money that paid for pretty much all baby related items. She did occasionally send pink clothes for our boys, which I still don't quite understand?

We picked the english names and let my husbands family pick the chinese names. I didn't really care because for all intents and purposes it is really just like having more middle names. My mother and father in law couldn't agree on any so they each picked their own, and for one child we chose father in laws name, and the other chose mother is laws name. Each child has a english first and middle name and the 2 chinese names. My husband and his family use the chinese names and I , my family and the rest of the world use the english name. All the names are on the birth certificate.

We have tried to raise the children biligually, but it is not working out that well. My husband is the only one who speaks cantonese to them, and I am the primary caregiver and everyone else in canada they come into contact with speak english so of course they use much more english than chinese, My 3 year old can speak chinese, but chooses english over it ifhe can. His vocabulary is much better in english and he can express himself easier. My husband gets really upset and mad at him if hewon't talk chinese to him. I thought if we each spoke a different language it would work out well, but it hasn't at all. I hear so much about people who grew up speaking only chinese at home untill school, then spoke english and as adults don't know chinese anymore, we are even further behind that so we wonder why we are even bothering sometimes. I'm not sure what to do about it

[Biscuit]

Capital - I can predict that the language thing will become an issue further down the track for us.

We have Chinese friends (in Australia) who have chosen to speak only Cantonese to their children at home. It's now getting to the point where the kids are ready for school and don't speak any english. But from what I hear...they pick it up very fast.

That obviously wont work for us! I don't speak Cantonese. I've been with my husband for seven years...and still only know a few words! I have tried to learn...but it's not that easy!

My husband is keen for us to raise bilingual children. But similar to your situation...i'll be the primary care-taker...so I don't see it working out.

My husband has suggested that he will only speak Cantonese to our children....but he hasn't considered how that will affect me! I'll never know what he is saying to our kids?!? And if the child does start speaking back in Cantonese, then I will feel totally excluded!

It's already hard enough for me when we visit his family. We will sit around a dinner table and they don't make any effort to talk to me in English. I will start a conversation in english...then they will all take over and end the discussion in Cantonese (again...making me feel totally excluded). Up until now...i've been able to cope with it. I married a Chinese man and I can't expect his whole family to change for me.

It's a challenge! And it will get harder bringing children into the mix. I just have to deal with things as best as I can!

MIL can be a struggle though. She's already had a cry to my husband on the phone and said "my grandchildren wont know Chinese nursery ryhmes". She says it's her duty to instill Chinese culture into the baby's life! She complained that my hubby has become "too Australian" and forgotten his roots. But he was raised in Australia...which was a decision that she and FIL made...so it's a bit unfair to blame him for that.

Anyways...That's my whinge!

[JoTs]

I am English and my husband is chinese from Hong Kong, but he went to school in the UK when he was 13 and we have only just returned to live here, so he has been away for a v long time!

We had our son (now 20 months) in the UK, so I didn't have to really follow much of my MIL advice, just listen on the phone! Initially she wanted to come to stay with us when the baby was born, but I knew that would drive me crazy - she came when he was 6 weeks old. I was kind of dreading it as she can be v controlling, but I think my husband briefed her well beforehand and so she was actually a lot of help. Cooking all our meals, cleaning etc.

Now that we are here, I find it quite hard to take her "advice" - but I am getting used to it. Find it easier just to agree and then do my own thing when she leaves! At first I would get v annoyed when she commented on my home/cleaning etc - but now I have realised that she just wants to be helpful - I may see at as she thinks I do not care for her son and grandson well - but actually I don't think she sees it like that...

Anyway, if we end up having No 2 in HK, it may be difficult, but we are both working at getting used to each other - often she will tell me how things would be done in a traditional chinese culture, but give me the choice whether to follow.

Regarding bilingualism - my husband has only ever spoken Cantonese to my son, and I only speak English. He is doing really well and understands both languages perfectly - his speech was a little behind, but now he uses both languages, adding new words everyday.

I would really encourage you to do this, even though sometimes it is hard - but I usually know what my husband is saying, I have picked up more Cantonese since my son was born than all those evening classes in the UK! I too find it difficult when I go for dinner with my in-laws, not understanding the conversation - but have got used to it over the years!

Also, we gave him a chinese middle name, my husband chose it, but did ask his parents opinion - but the final decision was with us.

I really want my son to feel that he fits into both cultures, instead of neither - so he "double" and not "half" - if you know what I mean...?

Anyway, have rambled on - it is lovely to read this post though, as in the UK no-one understood my situation, but here I am meeting more and more people who understand how hard it is dealing with a MIL from a different culture!

Jo

[sophwillsmum]

I just wanted to say that I also find this post very interesting. Both myself and my husband are Australian, but it is ceratinly an eye opener to see how other cultures regard pregnancy and child birth. On the original discussion about having a baby party one month after the birth, why not get your MIL to organise and throw it if she wants it so badly? Then you could simply be 'honoured guests' at her party. Just a thought, but it could take a lot of the pressure off right when you DON"T need it.

[capital]

Biscuit,

I too know very little chinese, but it does not bother me at all when my husband speaks cantonese to our son. You will be suprised at how much you will pick up. If they are talking about something and I don't understand I just ask either my son or husband. My preference would be for the children to be bilingual, but I just don't know if it will work with my husband being the only one to speak it to them. We have the option to send them to a mandarin immersion program for school here, at least then they will read and write, but I won't be able to help them with home work, so I don't know what to do.

The hardest part so far about raising our children has been the difference in how we approach discipline. i take a much more modern approach whereas my husband prefers to yell and thinks spanking is acceptable. It is a real area of contention for me and is still not resolved. he will say things like, I am chinese and this is how we do it, it is traditional, which of course is a load of crap (I was spanked as a child too, which I consider a lack of knowledge, not a tradition). There are pleanty of old traditions which he does not follow, but for some reason this is his rationale. The worst part is he prides himself on a knoowledge of up to date, science based medical knowledge (we are in the medical flields), but when it comes to discipline that all goes out the window. Does anyone else have problems with differeing opinions in discipline? The biggest problem is I KNOW I am right and thinks he is right.

About the name thing, our childrens chinese names have the same generational name. One child is Chi Hang and the second is Chi Ching, my husband and mother in law call them hang hang and ching ching