[barbwong_130]

When I’d been married for a few years I took part in a research project at Hong Kong University. It was looking into how Anglo-Chinese marriages worked and what sort of cultural issues they had. Both my husband and I were interviewed separately and then together. The main findings of the research were that the marriages were good and that couples went into them with a will to accept the other culture. The biggest problem, however, was raising children. Both partners expected to raise their children the way they had been raised. And unless there was a lot of open communication problems could occur.

I now think that one of the advantages of marrying outside my culture is that it has allowed me to question my husband’s culture’s way of doing things (this came very easily to me) but also my culture’s way of doing things (which invloved more thought). In the end we have taken things from both cultures and made our own family culture from the two.

One of the ideas I embraced when I moved to Hong Kong was “the more celebrations the better”. Here people celebrate all the traditional Chinese festivals and also the British ones left over from colonial times. (In fact before the handover we celebrated the Queen’s birthday – this is not even a holiday in England!)

I found that one of the best ways to become accepted in my new family was to participate in the celebrations and to invite them to celebrate in my culture’s celebrations. My nephews and nieces love to join my Boxing Day party and receive a gift from Father Christmas. They also love the treasure hunt for eggs we have each Easter Sunday.

We had a one month celebration for all four of our children. The first one we hired a junk and a caterer and sailed around the harbour for the evening. It was a lovely party as my brother had arrived just in time for it and we invited lots of my husband’s friends who hadn’t been able to attend either of our weddings (one traditional English one in England and a traditional Chinese banquet for family only – but still over 50 people).

For the second baby (the first grandson) we had a traditional Chinese banquet but again only family. I don’t know about in Australia but this is really easy to organize in Hong Kong – you just pick a restaurant and they do the rest. Another banquet for the third child and another junk trip (to see the pink dolphins) for the fourth – but just my husband’s immediate family for these. It may sound hard going to a party with a month old baby but it isn’t really – even with a C-section I was feeling OK after four weeks.

Giving red packets with a token amount of money in it for gifts is a very big tradition here. If you visit someone at Chinese New Year and take them a gift you will receive a red packet in return. It is basically like saying thank you and much easier than writing hundreds of thank you notes. I once took an expat work colleague to dinner at my parents-in-law during the 15 days of Chinese New Year. He was very touched that he received a red packet from my mother-in-law. I’ve found these gestures mean a lot more than words, especially when there is a language barrier and words mean nothing.

My husband choose three names for our son and asked his father which one he liked best. This way my husband got to have a special name that he liked (he is very well educated and I think wanted to show this off in the names of his children) but my father-in-law also got the privilege of being the person to choose the name. All my children have the same generation name. I like this idea as it is just another way of tying them together as a family.

The one thought that keeps us going with speaking two languages in our home is that the gift of half a language is better than no language. It is very common for children to have periods where they refuse to speak their second language – sometimes lasting for years. But if you keep speaking to them in the second language they are getting the gift of understanding it even if they reply in the first language.

My third child is quite shy and really doesn’t like speaking in English much. He hardly ever speaks in Chinese. My husband keeps on speaking to him in Cantonese and I know he understands even though he will reply in English. I was really surprised when we visited my husband’s relatives in China because he was talking Cantonese with them. But, of course, none of them spoke English!

My brother is also married to Chinese girl (she used to be my husband’s secretary and I introduced them when he came to visit me). She finds that being the only source of Cantonese for her daughter very hard. My niece’s Chinese skills greatly improve when she visits with her mother’s friends or my family go to visit.

I used to hate going to my parents-in-law every Sunday evening. I hated being left out of the conversation and not being able to follow what was happening on the TV. It used to seem like three hours from hell. But once I had babies this all changed. I now look forward to going and not having to be the sole entertainer for my children. And once my sister-in-laws started having children too so there were cousins for my children to play with it became even better.

I would hate my children to miss out on English nursery rhymes and so I can easily understand that your mother-in-law wants your children to know of Chinese nursery rhymes. Children, however, don’t start appreciating nursery rhymes until they are about two years old – so there is lots of time for that. And by the age of two you will probably love the opportunity to leave your child and escape away to do something for yourself. I always find it wonderful when my youngest goes on a sleepover at her cousin’s home.

I found learning Cantonese at lessons was really hard work. I could never get the tones right. It was much easier learning with my children. When talking to babies and children the words are often repeated and somehow this makes it easier to learn. I find asking my children the details of the conversations more rewarding than asking my husband. They will talk for half an hour and when I ask he’ll say “Oh, we’re talking about politics”. Absolutely no details and guess what, I’d already deduced the general theme.

With things like the tradition confinement period and its rules I took a mixed view. For example if I wanted to go out I’d say, “I’m English and so allowed” but if I didn’t really feel like going out I’d say, “Sorry my husband prefers me to stay in for the first few weeks.” Of course I didn’t flaunt the fact I was going out enjoying myself in front of my mother-in-law and if she asked I’d say I was taking the baby to the doctor or clinic. In Hong Kong it is acceptable to go out if it is for the baby’s sake. Friends have told me that the confinement is much stricter in Taiwan. One friend wasn’t even allowed to use the computer for the first month. This seems worse than not washing hair!

My mother-in-law took pride in cooking me lots of soups for my confinement period. Some I liked and some I didn’t. It wasn’t so much the soups but the quantity that outfaced me. Fortunately I discovered that I wasn’t meant to eat all the ginger vinegar soup myself but give it away. It became a bit of a game with me to see how much I could give away to different places. I do believe that there is a lot of wisdom in the special confinement foods. A doctor friend of mine told me that the ginger vinegar is very high in iron and calcium – the two minerals that new mothers are most likely lack.

The hardest soup I’ve been given was carrot and sugar cane soup when my daughter had chicken pox at nine months old. Because I was still breastfeeding her I was expected to drink it too. It is really sweet and again one bowl is OK but three is far too much.

[miaka]

barbwong 130 pretty much said all i wanted to say. i think balance and compromise will keep you sane. having a baby is no easy physical feat. expect full recovery to take maybe at least 6 months (pre-preggy state). but you'll feel pretty good and ok by week 3.

just 2 notes about my own experience:
1. having visitors during my confinement was really exhausting. and i only had a few. having the 1 month banquet was a good way for all to meet the baby and let me recover a bit physically too. tho i agree w/ the others that it doesn't have to be exactly 1 month. the point is to celebrate your baby.

2. having studied both western and chinese med i can understand why you wouldn't want anything cold. from a western perspective, it takes a lot of energy for your body to warm up that cold drink to body temperature.

from a eastern persective, having warm keeps wind out of that space where your baby used to occupy. however, this depends on your own constitution. example: my aunt had ice cream after birth and no problems. myself ... well, i had the worst diarrhea of my life (added exhaustion) cuz i have a fairly weak constitution. i totally regret that bowl of ice cream and i wish my brain cells were working then. maybe you could have room temp drinks instead? it's just a temporary thing. listen to your body. it knows best.

[JoTs]

BarbWong - just wanted to say thank you for your post, you are obviously a wise woman! I hope that when I have 4! children we will have the same relationship that you do.

It seems that we are working towards similar ideas - hopefully our children will benefit.

Thanks again

[ELT]

barbwong_130,

I usually stop at the 10th line when reading long posts, but yours kept me going. Thanks for sharing!

[Biscuit]

Thanks to everyone for your tips and advice! It's nice to know I'm not the only person on this earth facing these types of issues!!!

At the end of the day - i'm having a baby which is such an important time!

Regardless of the fact that my mother-in-law drives me in sane....she means well and has good intentions.

Good luck to everyone with their pregnancies!

[hilsman]

most Chinese grandmas are getting more civilized and modern these days, like ELT said, if you don't feel comfortable with things, you should just acknowledge her views but stick with yourself.

I'm married to my husband who was brought up in a very traditional Hong Kong Chinese family, and i've spent many years living in the UK and my family are quite open with thing. I'm lucky that my husband is very considerate, we both try to get the balance of things and try very hard to handle things well, so that we can please them as well as putting our minds in rest.