[Biscuit]

Hello! I’m Australian and my husband is Chinese. Since announcing our pregnancy, my Mother-in-law has become consumed with telling me about Chinese traditions etc.

She says it’s her role to buy all clothes and linen for the baby, and I shouldn’t (because it’s Chinese tradition for the Mother-in-law to do that). She also says that she should care for the baby while I go back to work…because then she can teach the baby Chinese language and culture. She’s mentioned other stuff…like I should hold off having a shower for as long as possible after the birth…and only drink warm water for the first month (no cold drinks). Also, we have to host a big party when the baby is one month old? She’s also selected the Chinese name for the child “Ding Yong” and says it’s tradition for her to do so?

I’m not Chinese…and have no intention of following all of the traditions. (Eg; I will be having a shower straight after birth!). But I’m just wondering if Chinese women still follow these traditions today?

I would like my baby to know about Chinese culture/traditions etc…but am feeling a little bullied by it all and I’m not sure if what she’s telling me is fact or fiction?

Eg; having a big party only 30 days after the birth sounds like the last thing I want to do. I suggested we wait 6 weeks…but is that unacceptable?

My husband has been raised in Australia...and doesn't really know all the traditions himself.

Any advice is greatly appreciated!

[Neha]

Every culture has their traditions. We have a party on the 6th or 13th day after birth, Women dont go out of home for about 21-40 days except for Drs appointment. Every Culture is different. Asians in particular like that fact that grandparents are involved. What might be considered unbearable interference by some might be for others their way of showing love. If u are uncomfortable with her plans , talk to her. also the fact if u just annonced your pregnancy why panic now wait till your baby comes and see what hapens then.

Best of luck

[MayC]

Hi, I'm from Sydney and have a tough time with my Chinese mother in law too. Biscuit, the problem you and I face is that we are married into a chinese family and most of the older generation (meaning our hubby's parents) are VERY traditional.

The party after your newborn turns one month old is a MUST. Your hubby's parents could be the subject of gossip if you do not hold this party. It's just something that ALL chinese do. I think you CAN do it at 6 weeks too. What's a week difference anyway? It's usually held in a private room at a Chinese restaurant. I left the party EARLY with my baby. I wasn't going to stay there from 7pm - 11pm!!!
For something more low-key and private, you could hold a baby shower before the birth of your baby with your friends.

Her role to buy clothes and linens? I'm not so sure about this one. I bought my own... although my MIL did bring us lots of clothes and linen for our baby too. It wasn't a bad thing because it saved us a lot of $$$.

The reason why they tell you not to shower until a month or weeks later is because in the old days, infection was a big problem. You can get an infecton simply from washing using the tap water. Things are different now. The water in HK is filtered and it shouldn't be a problem. The nurse will tell you that you can shower 7 days after a c-section (and I'm not sure how long after natural birth). Make sure you get the nurse to tell this to your MIL.

I'm surprised she just mentioned warm drinks - I think it's to keep the wind out. I've forgotten now. Mine also said I needed to wear a hat so that the wind wouldn't get into my head making me sick.

Regarding a Chinese name for our little one, I just let her decide. I had to.... I wouldn't know what to call my daughter otherwise.

I was REALLY mad at her after the birth of my baby. She even came to my house because she felt it was her duty to look after my baby. I hit the roof and she moved out the next day. But since then, I've learnt to be patient with her. She means well... she's troublesome and she's a PAIN, there's no doubt about it... but we all have our own beliefs and we must respect one another to make the relationship work. She now knows not to interfere too much but I've also learnt to relax and let her continue with her traditional thinking. After all, half of my daughter belongs to my husband and his family. She doesn't come over to my place now because of what happened but she still welcomes us to hers. Weird but I've learnt to ignore it.

My inlaw's latest interference.... I gave my daughter chicken soup because she was vomiting and not eating well. My MIL saw that and decided to pour it down the sink. Apparently you dont' give chicken soup to someone with flu. I didn't say a word to her. After she left, I gave my daughter another bowl of it. Hubby says that it's because chinese chicken soup is oily and it's not the same as what we get. I don't know whether this is true or not but.....

Anyway I've learnt not to argue, not worth it.... we all have our own values and beliefs. At the end of it, the person who suffers is our hubby.

Regarding wanting to look after your baby after the birth....well, that's a tricky one. Lucky for me, my MIL wants her freedom so she only sees my daughter occasionally. I know many locals do it- they go off to work and they let their MILs look after the kids. I personally can't do it. It really depends on your situation too. If you're at work, maybe it helps to know that your MIL is looking after your baby. Where it gets tricky is whether or not your MIL knows how to draw the line with her being a grandma and you being the mother. Hopefully your husband can help in this. Mine's - well, that's a long story.

Good luck.

PS: I'm not sure whether or not what I've said is correct, hopefully others will have better advices for you :-)

[mintycat]

Both my hubby and I are Chinese but we went abroad before we turned 15. My mother is pretty westernised so she never enforced these rules on me. My MIL is not strict either but she is in her 70s and thus wanted me to eat well after I gave birth. I chose to hire a confinement nanny because I believe in some aspects of taking care of my body after the birth. To answer your questions:

~ I bought most of my baby's clothes, although I received a lot as gifts. I have never heard that a MIL is supposed to buy the baby's clothes
~ I didn't take a shower for the same reason as MayC mentioned. I didn't want to catch a cold but I took baths and used boiled ginger water to rinse my body after the bath. I did this for one whole month. I also rinsed my hair with ginger water after washing my hair.
~ We had the one month party for my 2 daughters. This is a long standing tradition. Some families hold it at 1 month, some at 2 months, some at 100 days. It's sort of an introduction of the new family member to friends and family.
~ I didn't drink or eat anything cold after I gave birth. I followed this rule for a month or so. I was not forced by my MIL or anyone. The confinement nanny told me and I chose to follow it myself.
~ We chose the names of our daughters ourselves, but I understand how some paternal grandparents would want to name their grandchildren. My siblings and I were named by my paternal grandfather (both english and chinese names).

A lot of my friends follow the eating and drinking rule after giving birth.

[mosmom]

hello there! i'm married to a chinese hubby, too (i'm not chinese), and expecting our LO in about 10 days

mayC: i wouldn't say that the baby shower dinner is an absolute MUST for every chinese family. my brother-in-law did it, but he showed up late with the baby and disappeared early, and the mother of the baby didn't show up at all. now, hubby and i are NOT going to do it. my MIL didn't even suggest it. we will, however, accept guests at our house, as, understandably, relatives want to see the baby. another thing she mentioned was that it would be polite to give back a "lie see" with a 20$ bill in it in return to a baby gift. i will personally not do it, but she said she'll prepare some for me to give to the relatives.

linens/clothes/baby accessoires: we bought everything, and MIL provided a milk bottle, some useful baby clothing and a swaddling blanket. she bought it, however, because she felt like buying SOMEthing for her grandchild, not because she felt that it was her and only HER duty.

washing after delivery: heard about it from many - very local style - people. but my hubby's family knows what a cleanliness freak i am so here, too, they won't even come with the suggestion.

taking care of baby: i work in the mornings and a few hours extra, so she has 'announced' that she'll gladly take care of our child during that time. but she's not pushing me to work so that SHE can take control. in fact, i'm a little worried right now that it'll be too much for her and she'll change her mind!

eating/cooking: i know that, after my delivery, she'll show up more at my place to cook chicken soup and other chinese soups for me. which is fine, and maybe these special foods will really give me some energy back.

chinese name of the baby: my hubby wasn't greatly interested in it, but me and my family/friends (!) pushed a bit to convince him that it would be a 'good' thing. after all, the child will be half-chinese, and we - my side of the family - simply don't know how to choose one. my sister-in-law, therefore, will give us a few choices according to her numerology/fengshui (?) chart (she's 'calculating' the right items together right now), some names matching with our last name. anything shall be fine for me..

don't get yourself bullied into things, as someone has already mentioned above. your MIL should also remember that her grandchild is half-chinese, and that there is another culture to respect as well.

good luck!

[kellyst]

~ never heard of buying clothes and linen the 'duty' of MIL, tho she definitely gets bub a great deal of stuff, everything
~ we held our party at 2mths, thought the extra month kept everyone sane, we all agreed to it. we stayed through the whole thing, i think even my parents would flip if i leave early tho. my baby was ultra well-behaved that night tho.
~ bathing, i lasted for 2 days i think, my maternal grandmother actually helped me do it at the hospital :p she's quite open. wasn't going tell my MIL BUT i think developed a fever RIGHT AWAY haha.. probably coz i was too paranoid and blow dry my hair too much, raising the temp. too much. i was so freaked out, i thought it was a funny episode. but i've read that the no showers is because it used to be that they don't have steady warm water supply in the old days and you could catch a cold easily, but i guess that doesn't apply now anymore.
~ people say ALL women giving birth eats ginger, i can't stand ginger, tried it once on my own choice and vomit it out right away in front of my MIL
~ my MIL suggest things but i've also learnt to ignore things when i want to ignore them, and i think she knows she can't push me into anything now
~ cold drinks, i didn't drink cold drinks on purpose, but also did not avoid them either
~ name, we let paternal grandfathers name the baby, both me and my hubby was named the same way, for Chinese name. we chose her English name

[somebodyfamous]

I'm half Chinese and we definitely had the full moon party (one month party) although we had it when the girls were 5 weeks old :)

It was a must and was really a lovely family occasion (the next big Chinese party is your 60th hahaha) and to be honest, it was great to get so many red packets from the elders and to get useful gifts from my cousins. The babies slept through it (swaddled and inside Moses baskets) despite the decibel of noise that a CHinese restaurant plus my relatives hahahahaha

[ELT]

Hi Biscuit

My husband and I are Chinese.

The dinner at one-month is a MUST. Don't think it matters if it's held 6 weeks or 4 weeks after birth. Close relatives would expect to be invited. So imagine how they would feel if there's no 'full-moon dinner'. My husband and I instisted it to be informal and invited only around 30 people.

Never heard of MIL buying the clothes and linen for the baby.

Duty to care for the baby? My mother certainly didn't think she should be responsible for caring for any of her grandchildren. My MIL never expressed intention or interest in doing so. i guess that depends on the person.

Name? Well, it is tradition that the granddad (from dad's side) name the child but most parents pick the names these days, UNLESS the family has a 'jok-po' to follow. It is a book containing names of existing family members under the same last name. It also specify names of future decendents. It could be seen as disrepect to the ancesters to not follow the 'jok-pol' if one exists. -- we don't have a 'jok-po' and we picked our boys name. My FIL didn't care less about the name as long as it bears his last name. My baby is his first born grandson.

My mother (along with my MIL and my sis-in-laws) did tell me not to shower and wash my hair in the first week. And the hair should be washed with ginger juice to clear the wind otherwise would have headaches and arthritis. I took a real nice shower and washed my hair as soon as I could get off the bed on my own (I had a c-section). Quite a few of my chinese girlfriends did not shower nor wash their hair the first week. They wiped themselves to stay hygiene. I can confirm that I did not have any infection as a result of the shower. I don't feel any less healthy than I was before.

Is the baby your MIL's first grand child? Is your hubby her first / only boy? she's probably just very excited about being a grandma. And she is using 'tradition' as an excuse to get more involved in her grand child's life... if I were you, i would acknowledge her views so she feels that I have listened and valued her input. I cerintainly wouldn't do anything I don't feel comfortable with. But I would compromise on unimportant things like 'full moon dinner'. If she wants to buy the baby some clothes, why not. If she wants to cook for me some nutritious soup, even better.