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Helpless pregnant mom with a helper quitting and a 17mth old crying baby!!!

  1. #1
    Lebebe is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Hong Kong

    Unhappy Helpless pregnant mom with a helper quitting and a 17mth old crying baby!!!

    Dear all,


    Because I'm heavily pregnant and have been requested by my doctor to rest as much as possible, I have been relying on the helper this past 1/2 year to feed my daughter and lull her to sleep. My daughter is 17 months old.

    Well, guess what? The helper found the perfect time to quit on me (I'm going to be giving birth in about a month's time). Finding a replacement is also tough, given that the helper is leaving in about two weeks. Even if I have one now, I have no energy to train her and walk her through things step by step. Now that the helper is leaving, my husband wants to smooth the transtion and is now taking on the role of night feeding and putting my daughter to sleep. My daughter, of course, cries hysterically and refuses to drink the milk, unless the helper comes to the rescue. If she doesn't see the helper, she will not drink her milk and just cries herself to sleep. With a hungry stomach, she then wakes up at 3am in the middle of the night for a night feed, also crying.

    I'm so miserable hearing her cries and being of no help. She's eating less and crying to unhappy camper. What should I do? How do I get her to cooperate? Should we just delay this transtion stage and just give her a shocker when the helper leaves? The toughest part is I'll be in the hospital in about two weeks time, and I have no idea how my husband can manage my daughter's sleep, not to mention her breakfast, lunch and dinner!!!

    Any advice is appreciated! Thanks!!!

    Desparately seeking your advice, Lebebe

  2. #2
    miaka is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Aug 2006
    Chai Wan
    when i had my 2nd baby, my daughter was 16 mos. it took her about a month to adjust to having another baby in the family and in the bedroom.

    for us, it was good that her grandfather and daddy was here to give her undivided attention. and it helped that we reminded ourselves that she is still a baby too and not to expect her to act older than she is.

    there was a lot of crying and daddy and grandpa did lots of carrying and comforting. i think it took a good month before my daughter was back to normal. i thought of it as an adjustment period

    i think it is great that your husband is willing to take over the routines. perhaps while ur helper is around she can stand by and watch but let daddy do. don't worry, daddy just needs more practice. daddy and daughter will figure out what works for them.

    i know the crying can be heart breaking, but that's how she communicates to you. just continue to be supportive, loving and understanding as you are now. she just needs time to adjust. and when the new baby arrives, she'll probably go through another adjustment period.

  3. #3
    mel_g20 is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Stanley, Hong Kong

    Oh dear what a time for all this to happen. Where abouts do you live in HK? Do you have any family members that come and stay to help whilst you get a new helper arranged? I have asked my helper if she has a friend she can recommend looking for work. Have you considered contacting Rent a Mum, they are more expensive but may be able to get someone to you quickly and in the short term.

    My 18 month old daughter often shouts for me, and refuses to eat if I am home and the helper trys to feed her. However if I am out she just gets on with it. Maybe it is best to keep the helper out of the way when your husband is looking after your daughter. She may cry, however at least she is with her dad who loves her, and she will get used to it. And you know she is not ill or sick. It will hard, and I feel for you. My daughter crys if its not me that does things for her - but she does get over it quickly.

    Good luck

  4. #4
    rach is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    May 2006
    shouson hill
    I agree i have just had baby no 2 and my 18 month old is great with others if iam out but if i am here he only wants me and cries a lot. Once your helper is gone your husband will be fine and they only take a few days to adjust. It is hard being pregnant with a little one - i was pretty exhausted - I almost feel better now - less sleep but not lugging around a big tummy. don't worry it will all work out but try and get some help around the house - maybe you can find a helper in the section on here or asia expat they are often availabe at short notice if finishing contracts. mine started within a week and is excelent so you can do it (although not what you want to be doing right now) maybe leave it until after birth

  5. #5
    aussiegal is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    I don't envy you or your husband right now. I think you've got to get some help around the house, be it part time or other. How long can your husband go on like that? It's great that he has stepped up to the plate but doesn't he work? He must be exhausted. I would make finding a new helper a priority. If you get a good one they don't need much training and if they've finished their contract they can start in a few weeks. You are really going to need help when the new baby arrives. I remember those awful first few months - still not sure how i got through them. Seriously! The age difference between our children is almost 16 months so my eldest would cry and demand my attention any time i needed to feed the baby, which was of course all the time. We had a bad helper who i didn't let touch the baby for 6 weeks and i was exhausted all the time. It makes you a bit mental especially if you get a baby that doesn't feed or sleep well, which we did.

    As for the lulling your 17 month old to sleep, that's got to stop. You can't have two kids that need that sort of attention. Your daughter needs to get better sleep habits as much for her own development as for your sanity.

    And like the other posters said, i'm sure your daughter will not miss the current helper beyond a few days. When we eventually fired our first helper we thought our son would miss her. He said her name a couple of times over the next few days and then never again. She popped by the other day to see the kids and he couldn't remember her and that was only 6 months later.

    Good luck. It could be a tough few months but somehow we do make it through!

  6. #6
    LeahH is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Hong Kong, Mid Levels
    Poor you, what a nightmare. I agree with everyone that she will quickly lose her attachment to the helper.

    In the interim, has your husband tried feeding her in a completely different environment i.e. not in the same way/room that your helper ususally does it (and not with her around)? Even outside in the pram. She might be distracted enough to take some milk and at least not wake in the night.

    If she's crying herself to sleep now anyway, maybe more formalised sleep training/controlled crying would help her establish better sleep habits. However, it would be easier on you and your husband if you could remove hunger from the equation. Easier said than done I know!

    We had a refusing milk / lulling to sleep problem at the same time - we used any trick we could to distract her and get her to drink. Once we knew she wasn't hungry, we felt more comfortable using controlled crying to help her learn to sleep without the lulling.

    It was a pretty awful 3 days but getting rid of the lulling was the best thing we ever did and she's a champion sleeper now.

    Good luck!

  7. #7
    snagito is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Jan 2007

    try to stay calm..

    and hire another helper as soon as you can. there is no point delaying this till after the birth if your current helper is going to leave anyway in 2 weeks. this is actually a good time to hire experienced helpers, i've seen a lot of very good posts/advertisements out there from helpers looking for work, so make that your priority. it's a tough time, but nothing that can't be sorted, try to make those calls, interview quickly and settle on someone who doesn't need to go back to the Phils but can start ASAP here in HK.

    as for the current helper, i would try to get her to do things like get the new baby's clothes ready (washed and aired or arranged, whatever you need), cook some meals that the 17 month old will eat/family can eat and pop in freezer for when things get hectic, make sure all laundry/cleaning is up to date etc.

    also, my advice would be to just let the helper continue to feed the 17 month old if that helps her sleep through the night and gives you and hubby a break - no it is not ideal and obviously there's a few habits you will need to break here, but if this helps you and hubby to get things sorted with looking for, and hiring a new helper and make some progress in that regard over the next 2 weeks, then i'd go for that, rather than having broken nights and stress etc which can be avoided at least for the next 2 weeks.

    don't worry - this will all seem like a distant nightmare in a few months. hang in there, and keep us posted, and just try to get through.

  8. #8
    lucy0 is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Hong kong Island
    Dear Lebebe,
    I don't have any advice just want to give you encouragment and I'll pray for you. Hang in there.

    Mommy Lee:bighug

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