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How do other mums cope with this stuff?

  1. #17
    MilkMonster is offline Registered User
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    MLBW, I agree with you!!

    Being a mom is so tough already, it would be nice if moms could all accept that each will do it their own way and that, that is OK.

    It's only natural for parents to seek other people who have similar views and parenting styles as assurance that what they are doing is ok. But I also think that being around moms who do it a completely different way allows us the opportunity to grow as parents. I have friends who parent differently, one sleeps with both her kids, another never lets her kid be unhappy, one is very easy going and will leave her baby with babysitters all the time, there is one who works and has family day 1 day a week, another who lets their kids eat anything - including candies and junk food, and one that allows TV watching. From these friends I have learned to be a more easy going parent, that following a routine doesn't mean that I can't 'just let it all go' some days, that 'bad' snacks and sugar on occasion are not going to kill my son as long as I monitor how much he has and make sure to brush his teeth really well. That each family will have it's own way of discipline and teaching, and different approaches to problems and views on life and education. They have helped me realize my own weaknesses and insecurities as well as praise my strengths and be more confident about my own parenting style. I am a much more open and accepting person because of these friends who choose to do it their own way.

  2. #18
    bekyboo44 is offline Registered User
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    I agree- we all parent differently and there is no right or wrong way. Different children require different parenting skills.

    But are there some things that are just not acceptable? What, for example, if a friend hits their child as a form of discipline?? I am anti-smacking...and I am uncomfortable with my children witnessing others being disciplined by smacking etc.
    How do I approach that?? It's difficult because I am so anti-smacking part of me says 'how can I sit by and just watch, and ignore it,'; but another part of me says, ' these are my children's friends, how can I deny them someone who is their best friend?'

    How do people deal with a situation like that??

  3. #19
    mumto2 is offline Registered User
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    its a hard one bekyboo...we too choose to not smack and use time-outs and the naughty step...to be honest none of our friends do use smacking (or if they do I don't know about it) so I'm not sure how to advise on how to handle it. I would make sure she was aware that you do not smack so that she doesn't whack your kid if you weren't there ;-) lol you are bound to have a distasteful look on your face I'm betting if you saw her doing so I'm sure she would know how you feel about it. But I don't think taking the kids away from each other is a good idea.

    mlbw - so so funny...I (unfortunately) do the same thing. If someone isn't doing it the same way as me, I assume they haven't done enough research on the best way to do it. lol...ain't that arrogant! BUT I have learned SO much by watching how other mums do things and have friends back home with kids the same age and we share everything we do and I learn off them too. I also have had other mums say that I do "something" well and they're going to try which is always nice too. Why oh why is so tough sometimes...lol

  4. #20
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    carang is offline Registered User
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    i will admit to the occasional smack. it is used more as a way to show my older one what it feels like when he tries it on my younger one. now, the threat of a smack is enough for him to stop his misbehaviour immediately. we normally use a threat of going to his room and sitting on his bed for 5 minutes or removal of privileges/toys. this works WAY better than a smack ever would.

    however, i would NEVER smack another person's child, EVER! if someone else smacked mine, i would have some VERY strong words.

  5. #21
    MilkMonster is offline Registered User
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    That is a really tough one. I too don't know of parents who smack so I don't know what I would do in that situation. Is it like a single smack? or like very intense spanking in anger? If it was the later, I'm not sure I would want my kids to see that behaviour but then again I don't think it's a reason for my kids not to be friends with the child. Someone asked me once how I felt about spanking and my response was, "it is OK as long as it's not done in anger. If you are angry, then you are just venting on your child." Hmmm, I'm so conflicted about this, I guess I would bring up the topic in general conversation and see how that mom viewed it. Like try to find out why she thinks it's ok...Hmmm reading my answer, I can see I am not that open-minded about this situation...

  6. #22
    MLBW Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by bekyboo44 View Post
    I agree- we all parent differently and there is no right or wrong way. Different children require different parenting skills.

    But are there some things that are just not acceptable? What, for example, if a friend hits their child as a form of discipline?? I am anti-smacking...and I am uncomfortable with my children witnessing others being disciplined by smacking etc.
    How do I approach that?? It's difficult because I am so anti-smacking part of me says 'how can I sit by and just watch, and ignore it,'; but another part of me says, ' these are my children's friends, how can I deny them someone who is their best friend?'

    How do people deal with a situation like that??
    Well, to me it depends on how "smacking" is defined. If I saw a child being struck across the face (or anyone) I would definitely step up and say something. However, I have no problem with giving my son a swat on the bottom if he refuses to hold still while I am changing his diaper--and in fact, this is the only way that he has learned that he needs to do that. However, the reason why it's effective is not because I leave welts and bruises on his bottom. It is teaching him that disobedience has a consequence and at this point where his language skills are not developed yet I cannot yet "reason" with him or sit him in timeout. Anyway, my approach is that I am choosing my "battles" carefully and getting an early start in teaching my son that disobedience is not okay--so hopefully when he's a bit older, I won't have to fight so many "battles" because I have been fair and consistent from the beginning.

    And as you may have problems seeing a child being spanked in public, that may be a part of you teaching your children that different people do things differently. It's not necessarily wrong but there are always things in this world that we will disagree with and find as unfair. Not that you need to stand there and allow your children to keep watching if it's an issue but depending on your kids' age it may be a chance to spend some time talking to them about it--if it affects them. Those are just my ideas, of course.

    Again, if we see anything that is "abusive" I think if we are moved in our heart, we have to follow our conscience--whether or not it's the "politically correct" thing to do. (for example, about 2 months ago I saw a man on a HK street by a bus stop full out slap his wife across the face in broad daylight--I stood up and confronted him--I was the only one of the 50 bystanders that saw it--it might not have made any difference but I know in my heart that it was the right thing)

  7. #23
    MLBW Guest
    Quote Originally Posted by mumto2 View Post
    its a hard one bekyboo...we too choose to not smack and use time-outs and the naughty step...to be honest none of our friends do use smacking (or if they do I don't know about it) so I'm not sure how to advise on how to handle it. I would make sure she was aware that you do not smack so that she doesn't whack your kid if you weren't there ;-) lol you are bound to have a distasteful look on your face I'm betting if you saw her doing so I'm sure she would know how you feel about it. But I don't think taking the kids away from each other is a good idea.

    mlbw - so so funny...I (unfortunately) do the same thing. If someone isn't doing it the same way as me, I assume they haven't done enough research on the best way to do it. lol...ain't that arrogant! BUT I have learned SO much by watching how other mums do things and have friends back home with kids the same age and we share everything we do and I learn off them too. I also have had other mums say that I do "something" well and they're going to try which is always nice too. Why oh why is so tough sometimes...lol

    Thanks! It's good to know we are on the same wavelength. :0)

    You talk about smacking being "distasteful"--and to those who do not do it at all, I can see how it is. However, to the person who uses a swat, think about it this way--to her, maybe the fact that you don't "stand up" to your child (that is how she may see it) is "irresponsible" and also "distasteful." I can't count the number of times I've been out in public in HK and the States and I've seen a parent let their child literally run all over them--and because they are in a super market--where there is no way for an immediate form of discipline through time out or the naughty step, the parent just kind of ignores the child--while the child treats the parents and those who have to witness with utter disrespect. It's very hard for those of us that make use of a swat on the bum, to watch that and not think, "If I were them, I would not tolerate that." The way I see it is that a swat is a quick, effective means to stop a behavior in it's track--especially with younger kids who don't quite have the reasoning abilities to think, "I'd better stop doing this because if I don't in 3 or 4 hours, I'm going to have to sit on the naughty step"--it's hard for them to think ahead that far in time.

  8. #24
    MilkMonster is offline Registered User
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    "I can't count the number of times I've been out in public in HK and the States and I've seen a parent let their child literally run all over them--and because they are in a super market--where there is no way for an immediate form of discipline through time out or the naughty step, the parent just kind of ignores the child--while the child treats the parents and those who have to witness with utter disrespect."

    Agree that it's not nice for other people to have to deal with a parent not disciplining their child. Moms who don't smack, how do you deal with a situation like this? My son is still young enough where I can do time outs in public places and he thinks it's the same but I can see that when he's a bit older, like next year, it's not going to be so easy. I don't agree that smacking is the only option to discipline when in public. I am hoping that if I am consistent with disciplining unwanted behaviours now while he is 21mths, that he will just be well behaved when he's 3, 4, 5,etc. Haha experienced moms out there, am I delusional??? lol Great thread, it's really nice to be able to talk about this stuff and share thoughts!

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