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How do other mums cope with this stuff?

  1. #25
    carang's Avatar
    carang is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Sai Kung
    yep, completely delusional! LOL!

    my boy is VERY well behaved MOST of the time.
    the best thing i've ever done is follow through on threats. if he's misbehaving in a restaurant, i give 3 warnings. then out we go. on sunday, i left my in-laws in the restaurant as both of my kids were having melt-downs. it wasn't their fault, they were exhausted, so i just calmly told them both that we were going home. it ended up being the best thing i could have done. they were both asleep by the time we left the carpark. in cases like this, it isn't any good to "punish" the children as it is really me that needed the punishment as it was i that put the kids into this predicament.

    anyway, i always give 3 warnings, then follow through. as soon as the kids KNOW that what you say, you mean, it makes things much easier.

    i've never had to remove my kids from the supermarket or anything like that as they know that i say what i mean and mean what i say.
    marie313 likes this.

  2. #26
    mumto2 is offline Registered User
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    Apr 2008
    DB, Hong Kong
    Quote Originally Posted by MLBW View Post
    You talk about smacking being "distasteful"--and to those who do not do it at all, I can see how it is.
    No, no, I said she is bound to have a distasteful look on her face if she saw her friend smacking her child. Given, its probably tantamount to the same thing. A swat on diapered backside I see a bit differently to a bare hand WHACK on a bare thigh or hand etc. too I guess. I hear what you're saying about the immediate consequences of naughty behaviour but you just have to be inventive really. Even if we are in a supermarket, if she's naughty after her warnings, she is taken to an out of the way area and given 3 minutes on the naughty "ground" (lol) or threats are made to take away any treats she may want (which works more often than not). I also have a "man' voice that seems to stop her in her tracks...pmsl...

  3. #27
    MLBW Guest

    I see what you're saying--either way, if you make use of physical discipline you will probably see those who don't as "distasteful" and vice versa. I really think that a combination of disciplinary approaches works best. I don't really understand why some people believe it is wrong not to physically discipline their children sometimes if it's within reason. Are they afraid that they will go too far? Do they think they will permanently scar their children? Do they feel pressure from society to be politically correct even if their child is the one who suffers for it? I don't really understand. Maybe those who are anti-physical discipline can give some of their own input?

    I really have no problem giving my son a whack on a bare leg or his hands. He has an obsession with electrical cords and outlets so I would rather hit his hand hard once or twice and not have him electrocute himself than talk to him harshly, not have him get the message and get seriously hurt. That's what I really mean by choosing my battles wisely. When he's getting his diaper changed and he crawls away trailing poo behind him because he refuses to hold still, I got tired of saying harshly over and over again, "hold still" and I started giving him a "love pat" on the leg--guess what? He doesn't squirm away anymore when I change him and so I don't even have to really swat him anymore. I believe in dealing with things once and for all--especially when it's a repetitive behavior and it's dangerous (or super annoying--liking having poo smeared all over your bed sheets every day).

    For me, a combination of whacks, "the look" and a change in vocal tone accomplish my disciplinary goals. I also believe that it depends on the child. When I was growing up (and now) I was a very strong-willed child and without physical discipline, I would have totally run amok. If my mom set me in "time out" I would push her buttons so far that at 7 years old I would willingly sit there for hours and there would be no change in my behavior or my attitude--I saw that as a waiting challenge and about my will overcoming hers--I would willingly suffer for as long as it took just to be stubborn.

    However, sometimes my mom had to "break my will" to be disobedient. I got lots of spankings and those made the most impression on me. When I got older, my brother and I ran laps around the block when we got in trouble--sometimes running miles at a time just because we wouldn't submit to her authority. After those sessions we would do anything to not have to do that again.

  4. #28
    aussie mum is offline Registered User
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    Apr 2007
    interesting thread.
    MLBW, I take a non-physical approach when it comes to discipline and I do this for one main reason; I do not want my children to EVER think it is ok to hit/smack another person. We are role models and I try to lead by example on this point. having said that, I have resorted to smacking on one occastion - my son was continually running out onto the road and would not listen when we said 'stop'. he thought it was a game when we chased after him. So in this case, given it was so dangerous we gave him a good whack around the legs the next time he did it and he got the message. Similar situation to you and the electrical cords i guess.
    I have been tempted to smack him sooo many times but that is generally out of my frustration more than anything and that is not a really good enough reason

  5. #29
    aussiegal is offline Registered User
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    Jan 2007
    This is a really interesting thread. Leaving aside the debate about smacking I always find it amazing that people judge other people's parenting styles as either good or bad, not just 'as they are'. The very vast majority of parents try to do what is best for their children (as many people have mentioned), who are we to judge them for doing things in certain ways?

    I think there is far too much pressure placed on parents, and in particular on women these days and women certainly don't need to be bitching about women anymore than they already do! Just because you've read something in a book doesn't make it right or applicable to children across the board. In our playground we have a mum that has read all the books and talks all the lingo and beyond the fact that it is really annoying, (because she talks so much about it that she clearly thinks she's a better parent than everyone else ) it's also had no effect. Her child is more misbehaved than most kids his age. Makes me laugh. But you just know she goes home and tells her husband what a great job she is doing and how she can't believe what the rest of us do!

  6. #30
    bekyboo44 is offline Registered User
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    Mar 2006
    Discovery Bay, Hong Kong
    Has taken me awhile to get back to this thread (some days with a toddler and baby am not sure if I'm coming or going).....

    My son will be two next week and has never been smacked- not even a soft wack on the nappy. I am anti smacking and refuse to use it, regardless of the situation.
    He is very well behaved...but has his moments, like any toddler.
    We have found that talking firmly, time out works with him. I usually give him two warnings that then that's it- he gets taken away, or the toy he is throwing gets taken away.
    I have never been in situation with him, i.e. a dangerous one.
    He has been told walking on the road is dangerous and he keeps off the road; if something dangerous I tell him so, and rarely have to tell him more than two or three times.

    I know why my friend disciplines the way she does- it's a cultural thing. It's still widely acceptable in HK to hit 'naughty' children with slippers or the like. And still is in many cultures.

    How about a parent who bites a child when they bite another child; or pinches them when they pinch another child?
    I find it so difficult to watch, but I let it go- because it isn't abuse (well I suppose it could be argued as such) but there is no violent beating etc. Ultimately it is just not how I would parent- and I suppose the ultimate conclusion is- who am I to judge? No one.

    I just wondered how others coped when a friends disciplining was so at odds with what you do.

    At some point I will explain to my son why he and his friend are disciplined differently- but might wait awhile, a bit heavy for a 2 year old.

    A recent bbc news article found that 1/5 of teachers in the UK favoured bringing back corporal punishment for really badly behaved children. Interesting.....

    Just because I don't believe in smacking doesn't mean I don't have strict ideas about discipline, even at nearly 2 my son knows there are ways to behave and ways not to!

  7. #31
    bekyboo44 is offline Registered User
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    Mar 2006
    Discovery Bay, Hong Kong
    P.S. By biting a child when they bite, I mean biting them back until they cry; or pinching them repeatedly until they cry.

  8. #32
    bekyboo44 is offline Registered User
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    Mar 2006
    Discovery Bay, Hong Kong
    When it comes to disciplining my son I find the following help/useful:

    1). Consistency- for example, we have a rule that he can not ride any bicycle or scooter unless he is wearing a hooter; and at first he use to try and get on his bike and ride away with a helmet, or would wear the helmet and then half way through riding his bike try and take it off.
    But every time I firmly reminded him, 'no helmet, no bicycle,'; and then would take the bicycle away or take him off the bicycle and remind him, 'no helmet, no bicycle,' it did produce some spectacular tantrums at times but it works.
    Now when he sees people riding bicycles without helmets he shouts at them, ' naughty- no helmet, no bicycle,' which can be a bit embarassing! :)
    2). Being firm helps, letting him now that you are the on in charge...and this is doable without smacking....for example, my son has just started to go into a shop, pick things up and decide he wants it. I will tell him yes or no, and if no why, i.e. because he already has one at home etc.
    If he still insists on walking out of the shop with it, I take it away from him and put it back on the shelf- if this prompts a tantrum, I calmly pick him up and take him out of the shop.
    3). Warnings help- so, for example, I warn him that if he pushes his friend one more time, or throws that toys on more time (this is on the 2nd time) then he will have 'time out,' or the toy will be taken away. Then if he persists he or the toy get taken away regardless of the tantrum they produce (I am lucky though, my son tends to save the huge tantrums for at hme, any he has outside tend to be more manageable).
    4). I try to keep raising my voice for serious or dangerous situations, i.e. trying to step onto the road- and that makes him realise how serious I am.
    5). Distraction helps too.

    This is what I do- and is not me trying to publish the 'right' way or the 'only' way- it's just what has worked for us, w/out needing to smack or use physical means of discipline.

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