having a 3rd child?
- 09-29-2008, 12:17 AM #17Banned
- Join Date
- May 2004
I have 25 month between my 2 and I don't like that age gap. The hardest year I've had so far was the year with a a baby and a 2 year old. If I convince my husband to go for a 3rd I'd want between 3.5 to 4.5 year apart. I never really got to enjoy my second baby like I did my first because I was dealing with a 2 year old, and now that the youngest is 2 and I am really enjoying him, I see I never aprreciated age 2 with my oldest. I have no family to help to have breaks at all, and no one, me included, uses helpers where I live. Also it was partly my frame of mind. I wanted to recreate the great expereince with my first, but life was just different, and it took me about 1 year to get over the guilt of not having one on one time with each child and feeling like I was short changing them. Now I see having a 3rd as bringing another child to an exsisting family, it is a different mindset altogther, I don't look to have what I had being a first time mom. ALso now that they are gettin older I see how fast it is all going by and I am not ready to have these years with littles ones over yet.
- 09-29-2008, 12:52 PM #18Registered User
- Join Date
- Aug 2007
- Sai Kung
great thread! Hubby and I always discussed having 3 but I too have had difficult pregnancies with both boys coming early (33 and 30 weeks) and I'm really not up for another premature baby so I think it's only 2 for us. We have discussed adopting a girl maybe 5-6 years down the line but that's not for sure. I would love to have 3!! My sons are exactly 16mths apart and although it's insanely tough some days, I am really surprised and happy about the way they are together. I am now understanding that having more than 1 child is about the whole experience as a family rather than what #2 and I have together. It's impossible for me to recreate what I had with #1 in terms of time alone snuggling and attention, almost every time we 'snuggle' now, I am fast asleep within 10mins! I was able to exclusively pump and feed #1 EBM for 6mths, for #2 I introduced formula and combo fed since 3mths. There has been a lot of guilt but realizing that each person lives a different life and not trying to make everything fair/the same has made things a little easier.
Since my elder son was only 16mths when his brother came, I really get the feeling that he doesn't remember what it's like to be alone and having mom and dad all to himself. For him, his brother has always been around and mommy has 'always' been struggling to meet the demands of 2. There is definitely more crying than I expected. If I were to have another baby now (like within the next year or 2) I think that change would be harder on my elder son than the experience so far as he would then be able to notice the difference that my attention is on someone else.
So far, I have only encountered jealousy during my younger son's physiotherapy sessions, where a lot of attention is paid to the younger one but #1 is easily distracted - hopefully it stays that way! I don't have a helper so both have to come with me everywhere I go and that has been a real challenge. I spend most of my quality time with my younger one after the older one goes to bed at 7pm. But I also find that once hubby is home, I am much more willing to pass off baby duties to him, whereas with my 1st, I wanted to do everything. As a result, hubby and #2 have a much stronger bond. It's nice to see him running around like a mommy-hen ;) and after a day of 2, I really enjoy the break.
I saw a family of 4 kids at 360 yesterday. How you grocery shop with 4 is what hubby and I discussed for the rest of the afternoon!! I think having a bigger family is great and if I didn't have health issues I really do think we'd be trying for #3 in the future. In terms of cost of living, I think if we did have 3, we'd highly consider moving back to Canada and living in a house!
- 09-29-2008, 01:52 PM #19Registered User
- Join Date
- May 2006
- Hong Kong
Our plan has always been to have 3... still want to, but we're wondering if we can handle having another one. Right now, it's one-on-one with 2 kids, but with another one along, we will be outnumbered. For us, there are many, many factors to consider if we have #3 --where to live, education, energy level, age, etc.
I'm not so worried about being able to give enough attention to the new baby. I've come to accept that I will not be able to replicate with subsequent children the level of one-on-one time that I was able to have with #1 --it's just not realistically possible, what with having to ensure that #1 is not neglected in the course of tending to #2. A friend once wisely told me that what second- or third-borns lose out in terms of one-on-one time with parents, they make up for in attention from older siblings, something which the firstborn never gets to experience. That is a comforting thought for me... and I find that it is true in our case.
Right now, we are loving it with 2. They're 27 months apart and it's been great. Our older one really looks out for his sister and our girl adores her big brother. I love the age gap, too. If we are to replicate the same age gap, that means we will have to start trying this month (!)... just not sure if we're ready, though.
- 09-29-2008, 05:49 PM #20Registered User
- Join Date
- Mar 2005
Great thread!!! I have 3 but with fairly big age gaps, 9,5 and 2 . Think I was lucky because when had #2 , #1 was old enough to truly understand what was going on and in fact was a great help (she has since been called The Baby Whisperer as she has a knack with babies!) So the transition from 1 to 2 was easy for me completely because of the eldests attitude! We lived in UK then so no help! I had #3 in HK when #2 was 32 months old and she really did not care a jot about the baby and only now has any interest in playing with her! I have always worried about the middle child syndrome and have to confess to seeing signs of it in her but is also tough being the eldest too! Of course having help in HK made it easier too, but agree with the out numbered comments sometimes I am in complete despair trying to juggle the needs of the 3 of them. Still I would love a 4th.......
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