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Terminating helper

  1. #17
    aussiegal is offline Registered User
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    We found our helper who we love and would do anything to keep forever (!) by asking another helper we really liked if she had any friends just like her! Turned out she did so she introduced her to us.

    Funnily enough though, our helper was fired from her first chinese employer after a few months and her second chinese employer was sent to jail. We took a real chance on her because she had no references, no experience working for a western family and so little experience working as a helper. The reality was though that the two helpers we'd had to fire before her came with good references that were as good as bogus (some people are trying to ditch the helpers and will say anything to help them move on) and they were absolutely awful. There was just something about our current helper that made us throw caution to the wind. She seemed genuinely kind, smiley (without it being fake), admitted she couldn't cook (she cooks like a dream now whilst the previous two said they could cook, one could the other couldn't and was impossible to teach), she was honest about her previous failed hirings and the kids were instantly at ease with her. We had to hire her on the spot as her visa was going to run out the next day. 6 months on she is a part of our family and I never thought I'd say that about a helper.

    If you have kids you must ensure your helper has had children of her own and has hopefully finished making her family. Without having had your own kids you just can't understand how precious they are.

    Good luck.

  2. #18
    clowe77 is offline Registered User
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    our helper also is a dream come true. she is simply amazing with my baby and i can see genuine love in her eyes when she plays with him, which makes me so happy. thing is, when she first joined us 8 months ago (my son is 7mo now) she was a bit awkward, didn't talk much, was quiet and not smiley most of the time and just went about doing her stuff. we learned that we had to take the initiative to break the ice with her. once i did that (started up conversations with her, showed her that i am NOT one of those emloyers who just wants a "maid" but rather someone to really be part of the family) she really opened up two and these days while my husband is at work, she keeps me sane when i'm at home and we have really fun conversations and more importantly she loooves my son and he senses her sincere care for him and loves her too. i guess my point is, this helper-employer "chemistry" does take some time to build up, as with any relationship. i think some traditional chinese families actually prefer having a "maid" to only do work for them and not be involved in the family in any kind of emotional way, so you do have to make sure they understand you are not like that!

    good luck with the new hire!!

  3. #19
    donkey is offline Registered User
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    Hughsifod I just PM you. please check.


    Quote Originally Posted by Hughsiford View Post
    Donkey--

    We are looking for a helper. Could you PM me with more details? Thanks.

  4. #20
    Louiseamanda is offline Registered User
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    Agree with you ladies.
    My advice is to change helper if your helper is unsatisfactory for these reasons you give.

    But also in 'helper-run' households (in terms of mother delegating most of childcare to her helper/s) don't expect too much.
    I know that many mums work and cannot do everything but ion general mother is best to care for pre-schoolers predominantly (as much as possible)

    In HK I see some non-working mums (my neighbour) who delegate practically all of the daytime care opf their young children to basically an unqualified nanny.
    If when you are around you see 'poor' interaction, etc imagine what its like when youre not there?
    Next door to us (expat family) where mother delegates to 2 helpers.
    Of course she is not there, when the 1y old is screaming on/off all day (learnt behaviour not in pain!) 3/4y old shouting - this household is not well-run.

    The whole day is a series of mother arriving and leaving and lots of screaming and crying.
    This is a bad example, of course, and some helpers manage well. But it still defies me that many women do here, what they wouldnt do, in Europe or in their hometown.
    The mums (again I'm not talking about working mums) seems to fall into the category of 'normally attached bonded mum' and 'delegator of childcare'!

    More you delegate the more difficult it is to do this (dfifficult and tiring) job yourself.
    Nearby we have some other families or 2/3 kids who are all cared for (and co=operatyively) by hands-on mum. So nice to see.

  5. #21
    Louiseamanda is offline Registered User
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    Ps

    sorry for my typos above.
    Just to add, I don't agree the helper needs to have had kids. In Filipino families the mother isnt doing the childcare (grandma does) so they have no child-rearing experience.
    Most of the Filipina girls have had children. Our best helper (and anotrher neighbours one) are young single, just good with children.
    We have an Indonesian helper now- very nice and kind.

  6. #22
    aussiegal is offline Registered User
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    The reason I said that a helper should have had their own children if they are to care for yours is that until you have had your own it is impossible to fully appreciate how a mother wants and needs certain things to be done certain ways even if it seems over the top to someone else.

    Someone who has had a child will know that they too were finicky about certain things and are therefore more likely to do things exactly as the employer mother wants. Someone who hasn't had kids might think that the mother is just being silly and do it their own way, particularly when the mother is not around.

    We have lived this twice with two helpers, both of whom had had no children. One wouldn't do things like washing her hands and my children's hands when they came in from outside, sterlising bottles correctly (she thought a good wash was enough for a newborn but I don't agree especially when it takes only a little extra effort to pop the bottles in a steriliser).

    Our current helper has had 4 of her own children and she raised each of them with little help from family until the youngest hit 6. She's only 35 and fantastic.

    It's true that not all Filipina helpers who have had children have raised them themselves but this is nothing a question or two won't reveal.

  7. #23
    Louiseamanda is offline Registered User
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    Hi there
    I take your point.

    However, in my experience (many different helpers) you just cannot tell by other people's stories and also have strict rules about whether to employ a single girl. I suppose thats the problem with these forums.

    By contrast to you, one of our best helpers (ex-primary school teacher ) who did craftwork etc with my daughter, was 38 and single (no kids) funding her whole family of 8 sisters (another way of knowing about kids is to look after baby siblings don't forget!)

    However another, who enjoyed my dd company and was nice, ended up pinching money from a drawer.
    So she was eventually dishonest but in terms of childcare, fine (she did have a child and husband here in HK)

    They are untrained so things like sterilsing bottles, which is part of nannying, will not necessarily be known unless taught (thats not being fussy )

    I think it just comes down t the old saying -you can't generalise.
    We have to go with our gut feelings!

    Another friend also said to me, that if the employer shows no interest in the helper's family +/- children they hasve etc (enquiring re schooling/problems etc) and develops a relationship with them, they cannot expect the helper to be that interested in the employers children etc and family matters to the exclusion of themselves.
    I think thats true (human nature, maybe) - they are constantly on the phone to them and other friends so must feel lonely, I reckon.

  8. #24
    honeybee is offline Registered User
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    Question

    Mushi,

    Recently, you've two other threads recommending your current helper who has been working for you for one and a half year. But from this old thread you wrote 10 months ago, you were very unsatisfied with your helper, and the number of months you mentioned here, it sounds like this is the same helper you are recommending in your recent threads, could u pls explain the whole situation. These threads sound very conflicting, don't they??

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