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Issues with helper

  1. #1
    putput is offline Registered User
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    Issues with helper

    Am I being unreasonable here? I am getting increasingly annoyed with my helper. My 8 month old daughter loves her which is why I haven't considered firing her so far but I'm not convinced she will be a good example to her as she gets older. My daughter is learning sounds, such as baa, maa, daa and instead of suggesting associations with these sounds such as ba is for baby or bottle, my heper imitates in a way that sounds like she is making fun of my daughter. She also says things like 'oh, your dress is so sexy!' and laughs if my daughter slips, has a runny nose, or a rash on her face. At the same time, I know she loves my daughter dearly to the point where she won't always be concentrating if I tell her to do something as her attention is on my daughter. I have other issues with her like the fact that she is forgetful and incredibly nosy. She will ask me questions like how much my taxi ride or pedicure cost(!), where guests are from, ask them directly how old they are, read birthday and x-mas cards, ask who the senders are and their nationality. Is this normal? This is my first helper so I could just be being silly here but I do feel she is more in my face than I anticipated would be the case. In her defense, she is very trustworthy. I am always correcting her but am at the point now, where I don't see why I should always be improving her manners and ways.

  2. #2
    mosmom is offline Registered User
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    oh dear... :( i don't think you're being unreasonable. your examples say everything about this "helper". i couldn't stand this helper's behaviour towards my child. as you said, this is not how and what you want your child to learn and think is normal. and you're quite right that you shouldn't be busy teaching her the right attitudes when it comes to your child, your friends, relatives.. gosh!
    if the only reason you're keeping her is the fact that your daughter likes her, then forget it. some helpers are also clever enough to make the child love them, such that they can keep their job. it might be the case here or not, but in any way, don't worry about hiring a new helper - your daughter will like her dearly, too, and maybe more! good luck.

  3. #3
    putput is offline Registered User
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    Thanks mosmom.

    Do you have a helper? What is she like with your child/children? My helper seems to be immature and lacking self awareness more than being a bad person which is what I have to keep telling myself. Also, is nosiness typical of helpers???

  4. #4
    mrs momo is offline Registered User
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    Everyone treats their helpers differently. Some will always have the employer and employee relationship in mind whereas some will treat their helpers like family. It really depends on what you are comfortable with. If you are not comfortable with your helper asking you personal questions concerning your friends etc then you should maybe tell her. Maybe you can ask her why she wants to know and maybe she will get the drift that it is inappropriate for her to ask such questions. Concerning your daughter, is the word "sexy" offensive to you when concerning such a young child, if it is then tell your helper not to use such words in front of your child. If she laughs at your child then say it is not funny and proceed with you helping your child to sort out the problem. I am sure your helper will know that you find it not funny.

  5. #5
    putput is offline Registered User
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    mrs momo,

    Yes, I guess employers do treat their helpers differently. If I was to treat my helper, who lives out btw, as family, does that make it ok for her to take my nail clippers and spend 20 mins in the bathroom, clipping her nails?

  6. #6
    LeahH is offline Registered User
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    I don't think that level of nosiness is normal, but a personality trait of the helper you have - just how she is.

    Can you continue to put up with this level of irritation? You could tell her straight that while everything is mainly fine with regard to her performance, you find the level of intrusion into your personal life unacceptable and that if it continues you will have to part ways. If she can't help herself after that, then I guess it time for a new helper.

    Incidentally, I had the same issue with 'sexy' dress comments re. the baby's outfits, it was just a lack of understanding as to the meaning of the word in English - I made a joke of it and corrected her, it never happened again!

  7. #7
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    carang is offline Registered User
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    i would say that a some of the behaviour that your helper is displaying is not appropriate, but some of the other behaviours are not as bad and that you are reading too much into them.

    the ones that i think you are taking too seriously are:
    1) baby slips and helper laughs.... unless the baby falls and hurts herself badly, the best thing to do is to laugh it off. i find that many local children are coddled too much and such a fuss is made over a little slip that the child begins to cry for something that doesn't necessarily warrant it.
    2) your child beginning to verbalise and your helper mimicking...
    your baby will begin to mimick you and everyone in the house. this is how they learn. it is not up to you to associate the sound with an object... that is a step that your baby must make and YOU must figure out which sound belongs with which object. if your helper continuously talks to your child, that is what counts... i still mimick my little ones and they are 22 months and 3 years 10months old! so, on that point, relax a little. i don't think that your helper is 'MAKING FUN OF YOUR DAUGHTER'... I think that your helper is 'HAVING FUN WITH YOUR DAUGHTER'... two very different things.

    HOWEVER....
    that said, if you are unhappy with other characteristics displayed by your helper, you need to address them...have you spoken to her? or just let her get under your skin?

    if you explain that it makes you uncomfortable when she asks you such personal questions, and then she continues to do so... THEN you have a reasonable greivance.

    if you haven't explained to her what you consider appropriate, you can't very well expect her to read your mind and instinctively know what you approve of and what you don't.


    getting used to having another person around all the time combined with having a new baby and figuring out your own role is very difficult.

    good luck!

  8. #8
    lesliefu is offline Registered User
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    I had the same problem with the use of "sexy" with my helper and when I asked her what she meant by it, she said "pretty" - it appears that for philippinos, the word sexy and pretty are used interchangeabley and does not have the negative connotation we normally associate with it. Moreover, inappropriate to use to a baby / child in case they pick it up.

    It's important to communicate with your helper if you have any problems / issues...no need to scold her, just open up the conversation to see where she stands on issues and tell her what your expectations are and that you expect her to follow your expectations. Don't keep your hopes high though - they will remember say 6 times and then forget the next! Reminders are important but also a good working relationship so that she will feel comfortable telling you things (if things go wrong) instead of hiding them from you.

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