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All of a sudden, Hong Kong seems like a very lonely place...

  1. #1
    hannah.e.law is offline Registered User
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    All of a sudden, Hong Kong seems like a very lonely place...

    I'm seven months pregnant and found out that my husband has been cheating on me ever since the beginning. It came to light because I found some text messages (apparently he forgot I can read some Chinese now, enough to know what cheating sounds like at least, even if I don't understand every word) from him to the woman. He's admitted to the affair and also that there were others before her, dating back to when we first met and the whole time we were dating and even after we got married before moving to Hong Kong.

    Most of my close friends and all of my family are back in the US, and I only have made one or two close friends in the past 18 months here. He wants to try to work things out and has said he would stop the affair immediately, but my first instinct is to run home. I've convinced myself to stay, if for no other reason than I don't want to regret not trying, but I'm not sure how much more pain I can stand. I feel embarrassed to share all this here, to a bunch of strangers, but I feel rather isolated, he had always been my best friend and confidante and now I feel I can't trust a word out of his mouth.

    Any words of wisdom?

  2. #2
    karmah1's Avatar
    karmah1 is offline Registered User
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    Oh I'm so sorry to read about your situation, this is the last thing you need when your pregnant as your hormones are all over the place. Given your 7 1/2 months pregnant it might be too late to go back to the US? Personally, I would want to be surrounded by family and friends at this time especially with the baby arriving so soon. Is it possible that family can come out to be with you for a while, at least till the baby is born? They may be able to offer some sound advice and once the baby is born it will be easier to make a decision about your future.

    Do you really think your husband will stop cheating after the baby is born? Having a baby can put alot of strain on a relationship, I know the sleep deprivation made me snap at my husband for the most silly things and I was also so besotted with my newborn my poor husband got pushed aside. Your husband has had so many affairs but can you really trust him to stop once the baby arrives? Rebuilding trust and respect in a relationship after a partner has cheated is difficult and it can be a long and painful process, but it can be done. If you want to stay together maybe you need to think about what you would do if he cheated again. Have a backup plan so you can easily leave and return to the states if thats what you decide to do.

    I'm sorry I really don't have much advice, but my heart goes out to you because your in a very difficult situation. And its not easy when family and friends are so far away. Like you I haven't made any close friends here in 2 years. Look after yourself because you need to be strong for the baby.

    Take care
    Last edited by karmah1; 03-17-2009 at 07:13 PM. Reason: typo

  3. #3
    cha-cha is offline Registered User
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    how devastating for you. i don't have any words of wisdom but you will need help to get through this. if your family can't be with you now, maybe you can talk to these people?

    www.soultalk.org

    maybe you can also let your Obgyn know of the emotional stress that you are going through, so that he/ she can keep an extra eye out for you after the baby is born. although post baby hormones will send you on lots of emotional highs and lows, from my experience once the baby is in your arms, suddenly a lot of things will become clearer. your priority will be the baby and your instincts will kick in and hopefully it'll help you figure out which course is best for your baby and of course, yourself.

    this is going to be hard, so brace yourself. i think you are brave already for seeking help. :)

  4. #4
    aussiegal is offline Registered User
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    It is hard for anyone to give advice to someone going through what you are going through. It's such a personal thing. I'm not sure what I would do but I think I would lean towards returning home to be surrounded by family and friends. Having a baby is so hard and as others have mentioned, the hormones so up and down you will probably be left feeling vulnerable and alone here in HK. Better to be with people who will love and support you. I'm not convinced your husband is going to give you the support you need and you will end up resenting him even more. I'm not saying your relationship is over, that's for you to decide but your priority should be on getting through the next few months and forming a great bond with your baby. Believe me, once your little one comes along you will be filled with such love for them you will feel ready to tackle anything just to make a good home for them.

    I'm really very sorry that you are going through all this and at this point in your life. I just don't understand the women who get involved with married men. And as for the men, well I'm not very forgiving when it comes to that sort of thing but I know many women are able to look beyond the act and get past it.

  5. #5
    Shenzhennifer is offline Registered User
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    I`m so sorry this is happening to you right now. My only thought is about the baby - you are so advanced in your pregnancy now that you really just have to think about he or she. As you know, the third trimester can be fairly precarious, especially when there`s stress and upset. Do your best to concentrate on keeping your body healthy and calm. I won`t say what I think of your cheating husband, except to tell you not to worry about him right now, as he doesn`t really deserve it. Think about yourself and your baby only. And know that when your little angel finally comes, you will be filled with so much love and happiness, and as Karmah1 said, things will become clearer and you will be able to make some decisions.
    Stay healthy if only to keep your mind balanced and your baby strong.

  6. #6
    hannah.e.law is offline Registered User
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    Thanks everyone for the outpouring of replies and PMs. I don't know if I can trust him again ever. I am not even sure how to reconcile this bad person with the good man I married, how that combination of something I never saw in him until now affects my love towards him.

    I am thinking of this baby, and will be seeing my doctor tomorrow to let him know I'm going through a very stressful situation. As of right now, my plan is to have the baby here (for lack of insurance coverage in the US and the fact that I feel I to try to work things out with my husband). If things do not get better, or even if they don't look like they are getting better, then I will be making a pre-planned trip (for my brother's wedding) back to the US in July, just the baby and I, so that I can be near my support. I probably won't be coming to Hong Kong unless things improve drastically.

    For now, I'm carrying on with life and taking care of things that need to be done. Unfortunately this does not mean as much taking care of myself as I'd like at the moment because I am still working. However I have already started cutting my workload and will continue to parr it down as much as I feel I can as we get closer to May.

    Thanks again for the concern, if you PM'ed me I will try to respond soon. Please keep the words of wisdom coming. I need to hear all opinions so that I can really figure out where I lay in the scheme of things. Too tired, confused, hormonal to trust my brain to be functioning clearly.

  7. #7
    geomum is offline Registered User
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    I am glad for one thing that you came to know about your husband's adultry sooner than later. You have two obvious choices keep him or dump him but the taking either decision is tough because the baby will need his father and you on the other hand cannot live with a cheating husband. So I would say to you since you will have the baby in HK, and have a 2-3 months before you go to US, try working on your marriage. Tell your husband to seek professional help or better two of you get counselling together. Spend time together, talk to him and watch if he has any remorse and how he plans to make it up to you. Build trust...... Get your family to visit to here, it would help. But don't give up on your marriage without trying your best to work things out.

  8. #8
    snagito is offline Registered User
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    You must feel so angry and resentful. I think you should definitely talk with your doctor and also try to see a therapist or someone like that who you can really talk to so that you 'let it all out' - very very important as you are so close to the delivery of your baby and I think it will be better if you can come to some sort of 'peace' within yourself before the baby arrives, whatever you decide on doing. You sound like you are coping well so far.
    There is a huge big positive coming your way soon though - your baby! It is going to be so magical to see this new little being that is part of BOTH of you and nothing can ever change that. Maybe this will make your husband wake up and see how devastatingly harmful his behaviour has been. Maybe not. But for your own sanity it will be best if you try to work through this for yourself before the baby arrives. Send you huge big positive vibes and feel free to PM if you'd like to meet up or anything - happy just to listen if that's at all helpful. Hang in there.

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