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How helpful is the daddy in taking care of your baby?

  1. #9
    joannek is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Hong Kong
    hunter, i think our husband learns to be dad from watching their own dads. of course, there are exceptions. i think maybe try to compliment him on whatever he did with the baby, then he'll like the feeling of being a capable dad & he'll initiate more. another thing is, as new moms, we tend to have a way of doing things "our way", so when our husband do it another way, we will criticize or comment, which in the end will discouraging them from participating. I'm not saying that you are doing that, it's just a possibility.

  2. #10
    Hunter is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Hong Kong
    I have tried basically everything: talk to him, compliment him, but not working. He is just not a daddy type. It's shameful to tell you all that, to get married with him is the biggest regret of my life. Personally I like babies very much, but with this guy, one is just enough.

    I just don't understand why a man can be so passive. Why doesn't he wanna play with his son? How can he be so so so selfish (whenever he gets home from work, he has to watch his program and my son has to watch his cartoon in our room)? I have no chance to sleep-in during the weekend as he is the one

    As a mother, I am 100% devoted to my son, and I don't feel tired though physically fatigue is really reaching its limit. but whenever I see my son's big smiles, I just forget all the physical constraints.

  3. #11
    LeahH is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Hong Kong, Mid Levels
    Hunter I don't think you are alone - many people have this problem. How old is your baby? Some men find it difficult to engage with their babies when they are very young and not interactive. Once the kids are a little older and develop a personality, they get more involved.

    That said, it does sound like you have a problem brewing and need to find some way of addressing it. Do you have friends with young children, can you go out with them as a group and have your husband see the way the fathers interact first hand?

    Ideally you need someone he respects to speak to him about making an effort, not just to bond with the baby - but also to help you more. What sort of relationship does he have with his father, can you speak to your MIL, or maybe one of his close friends who has children?

  4. #12
    spockey is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Feb 2007

    Don't fret. Could he be very tired? If he has an equally demanding job, it's understandable. I work full time and i do know that when I come home sometimes, I just need some down time before I engage in an activity with my son, after the usual greetings when I return. On those days, my son goes off to the playroom or playground with his dad so that I have time to catch my second wind. By the time they've returned, I'm ready. I don't feel guilty about needing my down time.

    As for regrets, I totally understand but think about how wonderful it's been having your child in your life. Take a break if you know you're about to reach your physical limit. Do you have a helper? Leave your child with the helper while you go for a cup of tea/coffee. Otherwise, meet some friends/go for a walk when he's home... even for just an hour.

  5. #13
    megan2008 is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    sheung shui
    How does he respond to your requests? Does he get mad? What are the reasons for his disinterest? I agree, that it would be helpful to talk to his mother in law. How assertive are you when you tell him what you need; do you cave in a lot when he doesn't give you what you need? It is hard to cope with, I agree. It also can be very overwhelming and I am sure you have a lot of anger towards him as you are the one doing most of the work. But, try to stay calm and figure out why he isn't helping.

  6. #14
    Shenzhennifer is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Tsuen Wan
    I wonder if it also depends on what culture your husband is, or what kind of culture he was brought up in. My husband is Japanese, and I pretty much knew what was entailed before I married him.
    He prefers that I don`t work, which at the moment, suits me very fine. He`s very much the ` I am man, I work for my family` kind of guy.
    As for our baby, I`m just kinda glad we had a boy bc I don`t think he`d know what to do with a girl - though there`s not so many things you can do with a 3 month yr old boy anyway...
    During the week, I do everything, except for the odd diaper change in the morning before he goes to work. But in the mornings he also might take the baby for a bit if he has time, or we will all lie in bed together. On the weekends, he is the Diaper King. He also bathes him, and knows all the basic things, like how to strap him in his stroller, how to dress him, etc. He might not do everything how I would, hehe, but he gets it done.
    As for playing, that is the hardest. He is still finding his feet, in that respect. His best idea of playing is to bring the baby into bed with him right after the baby has had a nap. So I have to monitor sometimes and give suggestions that he might not just want to watch the baby play from the comfort of the couch, but maybe get down with him. But I think as the baby gets older, he will get more comfortable with his role in that way.
    All in all, I am pretty satisfied. For any shortfall he has about baby maintenance, he makes up for with giving love to his son, whom he is in complete awe with.
    But, Hunter, I also feel like I look at him totally differently since the baby was born (a whole new thread altogether), and when he pulls his weight more, I like him more, and when I am rushing around the house doing laundry, changing diaper bins, getting diaper bag ready, and he is having a beer on the sofa with the TV on, then I don`t even want to be near him. But I am the type that really lets him hear about that.
    There`s no excuse for a lazy husband/father. I would really try to take control of that situation as best you can, before you either divorce him or lose your mind.

  7. #15
    southside852 is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Hunter, have you ever just asked him point blank about why he doesn't want to be with your baby? maybie that would help start a dialogue between you two. rather than sugar coat it, just be explicit and up front about your feelings. it's obviously a problem and it's just going to get worse.

  8. #16
    carang's Avatar
    carang is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Sai Kung
    my husband's best friend was totally not into his son when the son was a baby. however, as someone mentioned above, as the baby got older and developed his personality, his father became more engaged. i don't think he changes any diapers or such, but he is much more involved and does play with the baby and take the baby to playgroups etc.

    i agree with southside, you need to talk to your hubby, and be direct, but not complaining. if it comes across as nagging you won't get very far. a lot of the time, fathers don't understand what is involved in raising a child and taking care of a baby. they don't understand that there are a million things to do, very little sleep and even less appreciation. that is probably what you are feeling... lack of appreciation.

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