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The right time?

  1. #9
    carang's Avatar
    carang is offline Registered User
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    my grandfather told my mother and she passed it on to me,
    "don't wait until you 'can afford' a baby... it will NEVER happen if you do."

    as for not having a map... none of us have... you are in good company!

  2. #10
    mumto2 is offline Registered User
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    my grandmother said EXACTLY the same thing...lol...

  3. #11
    thanka2 is offline Registered User
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    I think that your concerns are all legitimate and should all be weighed very carefully, since you are at the stage where you're still able to make the decision (not already pregnant).

    If I were you, I would write down a pros and cons list and then reason with yourself if your "worst case scenarios" come true on the negative side if you could deal with it and how you would cope. I think everything is do-able if you have a plan, right?

    In my experience, babies do rearrange life--and depending on your goals and personality, it's not always an easy adjustment.

    It wasn't an easy adjustment for me and still isn't. I did get stretched out and fat and still feel with feeling unlovable. My baby has not been easy to take care of (not that any baby actually is, but compared with friends' babies mine is much more high maintenance) and I often deal with a sense of lost identity.

    It was reality--and most women I know face the same reality. But, some women find that motherhood and all that goes with it is so overwhelmingly positive that they consider all the negative stuff to be tolerable or no big deal.

    Having said this, because of health implications, depending on your age, if you find that your list has a strong leaning to the positives outweighing the negatives, or the negatives being manageable, I would jump in and have a baby. Most people I know, overall, don't regret having children but I do know people who regret waiting to have them because with age they often lose the energy they might have had at a younger age and getting pregnant in itself can be more of a challenge that is stressful and expensive.

    All the rest can be figured out later. None of us know the answer and none of us can predict how things go with being a parent but since you've said you want to be a parent, I think you should just become one.

    Make a plan to meet all the obstacles--as well as you can (i.e. staying in touch with parents, having a home birth etc.). As far as home birth goes, maybe you can arrange to go back to Canada for your birth and recovery--I did that with my birth and it worked excellently for our family.

  4. #12
    lisa88 is offline Registered User
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    Prone to Wander, besides all the things you are weighing up now, remember that there is something that may be outside your control, ie the length of time it takes for you to conceive and have a baby. I was 36 when we seriously started trying. Conceived easily but miscarried... and then another 2 miscarriages. It was devastating and confusing and led to a whole host of questions and tests. At the time we were living in Thailand, where expat lifestyle was excellent and we could have a host of nannies, housekeepers, drivers, catering, large condo, lovely holidays ... but no baby appeared. Fast forward 5 years later, we had just about given up, and to my great surprise I found I was pregnant. You can imagine how petrified I was in the first few months of pregnancy. But everything went well and today we have a gorgeous 3 month old. I am not saying that what happened to us will happen to you, but what I mean is that I never expected that it would take 5 years for us to have our baby. Reading articles on couples struggling with infertility, they say the same too. Unless you are absolutely sure you DONT want a baby, don't wait too long, because you may need all the time you can get.

  5. #13
    carang's Avatar
    carang is offline Registered User
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    the negatives could easily reach into the hundreds...

    the positives???

    i have two wonderful kids that i couldn't imagine living without....


    (reminds me of the episode of friends before ross and rachel get together.... ross makes a list of rachel's positives vs. his staying with julie....

    under rachel's negatives...a few paltry things
    under rachel's positives? SHE'S RACHEL!)

  6. #14
    Shenzhennifer is offline Registered User
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    Or if you're like some, you simply get pregnant unexpectedly and deal with it as your entire life changes, inside and out.
    It was the best unexpected surprise I ever could have imagined or planned for.
    I don't think having babies is a science or something that you need to sit and rationalise so much - it's just something that either happens to you or you do, but something that is completely natural.

  7. #15
    dimsum mum is offline Registered User
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    i second/third the person who said there is no good time for having a baby.

    i'm also canadian who has been here for a while and has children who see their grandparents once of twice a year. it is a loss, especially when i see how close my nieces and nephew are to their grandparents.

    however, as you mentioned, there are huge bonuses to having and raising children in hong kong.

    having a child is a life changing experience. i can see why you are taking it so seriously, but there is never going to be a perfect time or a perfect place to have a baby.

    and as far as the parenting map...i think a lot of us feel at the end of the day, "i will try to do better tomorrow!" however mums are the best sources of information i have encountered in any country or situation.

    good luck in your decision. ....BTW - what does your partner want to do??

  8. #16
    babymommy2 is offline Registered User
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    The other thing to consider is that when you do decide it is the right time, you may not get pregnant right away, If you end up fertility problems, and you haven't started and do even know this until you are over 30, it could be a lot harder than if you were 25, also may impact on the number of children you have.

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