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Does your helper stay out late?

  1. #33
    aussiegal is offline Registered User
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    Last edited by aussiegal; 06-29-2009 at 10:31 PM.

  2. #34
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    i am by no means advocating 'NO RULES' in the house. i, too, think it's a good idea to set them out at the begining, whatever they may be.

    when i hired my helper, our first and only so far, i told her that i thought she was an adult and i was going to treat her that way. if she behaves irresponsibly and it affects her work (ie. coming home at 2am drunk and unable to work the next day), then she would be fired.

    in the 4+ years she's been with us, she's come home after mid-night once and that was new year's eve.

    she's NEVER come home drunk. she's NEVER been unable to work after being out with her friends.

    that's all that matters to me. it is not up to me to decree what she can do and what she can't. she is 43 years old. if she doesn't know how to behave by now, then she is NOT someone i want helping to raise my children.

    maybe the problem that some have is hiring the wrong person/wrong fit for your expectations? if that is the case, imposing rules on an adult is not going to work. perhaps you need to find a better fit for your family?

  3. #35
    aussiegal is offline Registered User
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    Quote Originally Posted by carang View Post
    i told her that i thought she was an adult and i was going to treat her that way.
    You see i would find this incredibly insulting. Imagine telling an adult they are an adult and would be treated as such. Shouldn't you just have said nothing if you are really going to treat them as an adult?

    I can't imagine my husband going to work and his boss telling him he is going to treat him like an adult.

    Weird.

  4. #36
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    i don't think i actually said those words. it was 4 years ago, but i made myself clear that i wasn't going to tell her how to behave. it was up to her. i wasn't going to give her a curfew. i told her that i figured she was older than i was and that she would be treated with respect. just as i expected to be treated with respect.

    personally, i would be more insulted being treated like a naughty teenager than being treated with respect.
    Last edited by carang; 06-29-2009 at 11:36 PM.

  5. #37
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    but i can see this conversation is just going to go the tit for tat way (myself included).

    i hope that wanfamily has come up with some ideas on how to handle the situation.

    helper issues are always, always hotly debated, each side getting their knickers in a twist...

    when it comes down to it, i believe, that we should treat others the way we would want to be treated. to each of us this is different, we all have different expectations, backgrounds, cultures, religions and there is no easy answer to most of these types of questions. just as with raising our children, we do the best we can and what works for our family. that's all we can do.

    have a good night everyone!

  6. #38
    aussiegal is offline Registered User
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    Quote Originally Posted by carang View Post
    i don't think i actually said those words. it was 4 years ago, but i made myself clear that i wasn't going to tell her how to behave. it was up to her. i wasn't going to give her a curfew. i told her that i figured she was older than i was and that she would be treated with respect. just as i expected to be treated with respect.
    Whatever the words the meaning is the same. We've never had any such discussions with our helper. I've never said, 'i'm not going to give you a curfew' or 'i'm not going to tell you how to behave.' We simply let her get on with her job, to me that is treating her with respect.

    I'm pretty sure the OP hasn't gotten anything out of this thread since it was hijacked by the righteous police!

  7. #39
    Matty is offline Registered User
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    I think when you are talking about an employee/employer relationship where the care of children is involved, the rules need to be slightly different.
    It's not about treating helper's like children, it's about everyone agreeing where the boundaries are.

    I know from experience that expat nannies can be much worse, when it comes to saying out late and drinking, and then having to get up early and care for children.
    When I worked as a nanny in HK before having my own kids, I learn't very quickly that late nights out and my job didn't mix.
    One friend in particular was notorious for boozy late nights, and very quickly was fired from her job, and rightly so.
    Nobody wants to leave their child in the care of someone who is too tired to function.

    I don't impose a curfew on my helper. But I have intentionally hired a helper that isn't interested in going out during the week, in a year it's only happened once.
    I have no idea what time she gets in on Sundays, and I don't mind as long as she is up and able to do her job on Monday.

    Every family situation is different, and you shouldn't apologize if yoiu are uncomfortable with your helper's behaviour.

    Wanfamily, if you are happy with your helper's work then it may be fine.
    It doesn't sound like she is out partying.
    Last edited by Matty; 06-29-2009 at 11:58 PM.

  8. #40
    HK2008 is offline Registered User
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    I have to say this is so far the most intriguing thread I've ever read. Great discussions, ladies! Here is what I have to say:

    1. First of all, I haven't had the impression that any lady employers in this forum are abusing/ill-treating their helpers. The bad employers would have gone and done the nasty deeds without asking So let's all cool down and try to help those in need of advice without trying to turn every thread regarding helpers into a heated advocation for their rights and how they should be treated correctly;

    2. Bumps: do you even have a helper? If you do, care to share how you interact with her? Otherwise opinions purely based on your assumption or theory are much less convincing than from a more realistic perspective;

    3. HappyV: congratulations on finding your soul mate! However, may I ask you to think twice next time when you present your extreme examples? The one regarding some helpers speaking better English than their employers is simply rubbish. Since when speaking good English has become a criterion on evaluating one's educational level? And the one about asking someone's hubby to put earplug in? I don't think any employer is given a choice by the government to provide free accomodation in their already limited space. Luckily for employers though, at least they are in the position to dictate that the employee should modify his/her way of 're-charing batteries' if it gets in the way of their 'recharging of batteries---by having a peaceful night's sleep!

    4. Carang, I know for a fact that you are a very kind-hearted person and you also have a fantastic helper. However, regarding 'rules': every one needs them! There are rules in play in any successful relationship. The society needs them in order to function in an orderly fashion...Being an adult in no way guarantees or equates to 'being able to do the right thing'. Human beings have so many weaknesses! Millions of adults are committing crimes every day even with the toughest rules with most severe consequences attached...So ladies, be free to lay down the rules depending on what kind of helper you are having. Some need more, some need less...

    5. And for the ladies who go out of the way to make your helpers 'at home', i.e. by getting up before her, etc. DON'T. By paying a helper and having to sacrifice your privacy and so on to do it, she's there to make your life easier and happier! If you are not feeling so, it's time to change something, or someone...

    Having said all these though, I have a wonderful helper who my family and I fully respect, and has in no doubt become a member of the family. She has the freedom to do anything, because I already know that she has her own 'rules' and standards which are higher than I would've had; and because she knows that I would be worrying about her safety if she didn't call after 10pm without coming back HOME!

    Have a good night, everyone.

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