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Will we ever leave Hong Kong?

  1. #1
    NewMommie is offline Registered User
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    Will we ever leave Hong Kong?

    Coming to Asia from the U.S. was supposed to be an adventure for a few years, and the longer we stayed, the more stubborn my husband got about how 'great' it is here, until recently, finding out we are pregnant for the first time, and me pushing the question of when we would return home, he revealed that he never wants to return to the U.S.

    It doesn't help that he is in finance and would have no job back home, whereas his career is soaring out here, and that with all the damage from the economic crisis, violent gun deaths and other 'problems' with the US he always has something to argue, logically, against going home.

    But I never thought I would stay here forever. I have a wonderful family back home, and we get to see them maybe 2-3 times a year, which doesn't seem like enough. All my best and oldest friend are there too. He doesn't have a great relationship with his divorced parents, and is an only child, and always was very career minded. (Btw, he is not Chinese ethnically, but I am - well, I was born and raised in the U.S. but my ethnic background is Chinese. Not Chinese from HK, however, and I don't speak the language so it is hard for me.)

    I have been making the best of it out here. I don't hate HK, I just didn't see myself here long-term, and the more I think about 'forever', the more I dislike things instead of accept them. I see so many cheating husbands and open prostitution and pure chauvinism and cannot see how these are good things for us. I don't want to abandon him and just go back to the U.S. for months at a time, because I notice the couples who have that arrangement don't seem to be in happy marriages, and I want a family that stays in the same place together. Also, everyone keeps trying to convince me my husband might change his mind as our child gets older and choose to go home, but I know how he is and I sincerely doubt it.

    I guess I wanted to know from others on this forum if you have any advice for me. Maybe it is my pregnancy hormones talking, but I am feeling really trapped and upset at a time which should be joyful. And if nothing else, thanks for listening.

  2. #2
    Bumps Guest
    Hi NewMommie,

    you do sound upset at the prospect of staying in HK long term and that is understandable as by the sound of it you have a great family and network of friends in the U.S.
    Try not to stress yourself out by looking so far ahead. Things can change so quickly day by day week by week. I would try to put this thought on the back-burner for a little while. Concentrate on what your life is about now - not what it may or may not be in the future.
    I know this is hard - but give it a go.

  3. #3
    plumtree is offline Registered User
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    Hi NewMommie

    I agree with Bumps that you should try to stay positive as out here, things change all the time. I came out here for 2 years, and that was 10 years ago. I've also seen people who wanted to stay here longer being posted home, or elsewhere around the region and so the thing I realise is that out here, you can never tell what's around the corner! (And btw, the people that got posted to Singapore ended up really liking it after initially being reluctant to move).

    Just try to be open with him about how you feel, and try to come to some compromise. It will be worse to have some issue come between you that you're not happy communicating about.

    Good luck and think positive!! (and CONGRATULATIONS!)

  4. #4
    LeahH is offline Registered User
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    Hi - your situation does sound really tough, but the hormones are raging and this will definitely be making things seem more intense.

    We were in a similar scenario in London, my career was there but over time my husband really began hate it and desperately wanted to move elsewhere. In the end we moved to HK and have both learned to love our lives here.

    For me this was harder but I have concentrated on making the most of it, as you have, things have become easier over time and whilst it's not perfect, I really appreciate the good aspects.

    Our friends and family are spread between the UK and NZ so this is a halfway point - we don't see them often which is sad, but make it count when we do holiday together.

    I have also built up a great network of friends here which I think has been key to feeling better about HK - we share the same problems and experiences which is something I sometimes can't speak to my friends from elsewhere about.

    That said, we now truly have no idea where we are going to end up ultimately but have agreed to take each year as it comes.

    Your husband might indeed not change his mind, but a few things might change the conditions around his thinking and yours.

    It sounds like work is a big driver for him. The current recession means that there are major opportunities in financial services in Asia, but that is not always going to be the case. Depending on his sector, the industry will eventually rebound and firms will be looking for the high performers out here to return and help rebuild in other regions.

    Also although it may seem that starting a family here is tying you to HK and exacerbating the trapped feeling, there really are massive benefits to having small children here - help being the big one. I can't imagine being back home with two small kids without my helper. I know family compensate, but not in the same day-to-day way. I can continue to work and have precious time for myself that wouldn't be financially possible elsewhere. Also, learning Chinese and growing up in a multicultural environment surrounded by lots of different nationalities will be a big benefit for them, however long we are here.

    As bumps says, it's hard but try concentrate on your life as it is now and enjoy the pregnancy.

  5. #5
    carang's Avatar
    carang is offline Registered User
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    i must tell you that i am in somewhat of the same situation.

    i've been here 14+ years. i came for what was supposed to be a ONE WEEK holiday and never left. 3 years later, i met my local husband.

    not a day goes by that i don't think that the grass is greener on the other side of the pacific (literally and figuratively!), but canada for me.

    it is not my husband that keeps us here, but finances. we each run fairly successful small businesses. we worry about what we would do for work if we did relocate "home". the answer for us came when we realised that for the time being we need to be happy where we are. with no prospects for moving back anytime soon, we need to be content with our lives here.

    if we moved back, we would be SUPER stressed as we would have no job (like your hubby). our stress levels would NOT make for a happy home. our children would suffer for it.

    we've decided on a 5-10 year plan. we still think about going there for good, but the pressure is off, because we won't be doing it now or even next year.

    when we came to this conclusion, i took it really hard. i agreed with it, but it wasn't easy to accept it. i explained to hubby that if i was going to be able to survive here indefinitely, i HAD to make more trips home than i was. i was depressed that my kids didn't know my side of the family very well. so, we started to rectify that. instead of going back for a couple of weeks every couple of years, i took my kids back for a month. hubby couldn't come because of work, but he was very supportive. he knew it was something i had to do. my mum is now planning on coming here for christmas (first time at christmas!), and i think i will take the kids back again next spring for a long time, maybe another month trip...

    it has made it SOOOOOOO much easier.

  6. #6
    chrissy2 is offline Registered User
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    Hi newmommie, I feel for you I really do....I have been in Asia for 3 years now, (2 years in Vietnam and 1 year in Hong Kong) when we moved to Asia it was suppose to be only for 3 years and then we were going to move back to Canada and start a family....Well lets just say the 3 years have passed. I just had my first baby 3 weeks ago and I really want to go home. I miss my family and friends, I really dont have any close girl friends here in Hong Kong.

    I do like Hong Kong dont get me wrong its much better then Vietnam but its not home :(

    Anyways advice for you, truley put your heart out to your husband and try to come to some kind of compromise, as I did with mine. If he really cares about you and your soon to come baby you should be able to work something out and come to an agreement of some kind. I went to my hubby and told him how I feel, we agreed to stay a little longer because he probably wont be able to get a job in his field due to the economey right now, and if we stay here my hubby will be up for a promotion next year and it is the job he has been waiting for a long time, after he gets the experience in that position we will go home.

    Also keep an open mind and remember that plans change and things dont always go as you want it! But communication and compromise are key in a marriage for it to work!

    Good luck!

  7. #7
    babymommy2 is offline Registered User
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    Your siutation is exactly what I fear. My husband want to go to Hk for a year or so "for the expereince" and to be closer to his family. I would love to do that too, but I am worried once we are there he won't want to leave. I never imagined that we would live anywhere but in Canada on a permanent basis and raise our chidlren in schools here. a year or 2 fine, but the polution, lack of having a yard and grass and space, we would have less money because we'd have to pay for school and I wouldn't be able to work. Iw orry too that for the children the society seems so so materialistic. Not that there aren't people in canada like that too, but it seem so much worse in Hk. I worry about the sutble things you learn in society, canada being very socialist and Hk very much not.

  8. #8
    carang's Avatar
    carang is offline Registered User
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    one question, why wouldn't you be able to work?

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