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I have a dead marriage with a 2.5 years boy, I don't know what to do.

  1. #9
    NewMommie is offline Registered User
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    Can anyone else recommend some specific names of counselors (both marital and personal) or ways to get that information?

    To Stephanie.happy, I think you can consider trying counseling first; not necessarily because it would make your marriage work out, but to help you come to a decision. If your husband won't go with you, you can try to go by yourself. The counselor won't make a decision for you, but they might be able to help you really consider all your options, and figure out what the underlying issues are so that YOU can make the best decision, which is what it sounds like you are worried about.

    Since my parents stayed together (not a perfect marriage, but they were able to tough it out), I cannot give personal advice, but from what I read here from other people there is no easy choice, and I really wish you the best of luck. You sound like a caring mom who is trying to do the best thing for her child, and so no matter what you end up deciding to do I am it will be the right decision for your family.

  2. #10
    reei is offline Registered User
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    family planning ,
    marriage life hotline 2575-4477 EXT: 44

  3. #11
    mwong222 is offline Registered User
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    not knowing how "dead" your marriage is, very hard to give opinion on what to do.

    you should not stay in a abusive marriage. my parents thankfully divorced before i turned 3/4 yrs old. I can't even remember them being married.

    if the marriage is "dead" because of no spark or unhappy about the situation then seek counselling first. if it is "dead" because you argue and can't even stand the site of each other divorce does seem like a good idea but if no physical or emotional abuse then should seek counselling before signing documents.

    my wife feels our marriage is "dead" since my son was born and i have a different opinion. But i have also told her that if she really wants to get a divorce, not to let our son stand in the way of that decision. staying in a marriage just for the kids is usually not a good idea (my dad is a twice divorcee as he was really abusive to both wives and i think me and my half-siblings are better off not living with him).

    to put into perspective, my wife thinks our marriage is "dead" because i am not ambitious enough to start my own business and make a lot of money so i am not her ideal husband. this is not a good reason for divorce.

    being a single parent can be hard or easy on both you and your son. but staying in a abusive relationship will be a lot worse.

  4. #12
    stephanie.happy is offline Registered User
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    Thank you very much ALL for your advice and being so supportive!

    mwong222, it sounds like our situation are kind of similar. Fortunately, my marriage hasn't turned into an abusive one yet. My husband has fooled around with other woman a few times. Although he is still a responsible husband/father, but I lost faith into him and started feeling no longer in love with him. I sense that he feels the same way. We are very different type of person in terms of personality, value of life, discipline and even daily work/rest time table! Those I believed would be complementary in a marriage, now somehow all became the reasons that caused the divergence.

    Same as your wife, I feel my marriage is 'dead' since my son was born (for different reasons though). I therefore, would like to know more about your view as a husband and a male. I trust it would help me a lot in making a right decision.

  5. #13
    mwong222 is offline Registered User
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    is he really fooling around? if yes, then i think you should have left already. my wife thinks i fooling around because we haven't done it since my son was born but i choose not to have sex because my son shares the same bed as us. that is just weird.

    i would have left on the cheating alone. only because he will not stop. if he is seeing prostitutes, you also have to worry that he will bring some disease home. if any thing, this is already a good enough reason to seek councilling but i really doubt he will stop (especially since there is no love anymore). I don't consider fooling around to be a responsible husband.

    As long as you love your son and are there for him then he will be fine. he will not be fine growing up in an unhappy home.

    we got married because she was pregnant. we haven't even dated for 6 months when it happened. this is another reason why she has regrets which i can understand. we also have different personalities, views (because i am american and she is mainland Chinese), culture (i am ABC but still do not understand the chinese customs), and all the other stuff you mentioned (she gives me a curfew just so i will go to bed same time as her). but we do talk things out and work on our marriage for ourselves and not for our son (it also helps that i am pretty easy-going and patient).

    everyone's situation is different. i think you should talk to your husband first. then seek professional help if needed. i would only say definite divorce if there is abuse. for cheating, positive maybe (personally i would but that is because i had a bad experiance with an ex-gf who i was serious with cheating on me and she just wouldn't stop no matter how many chances i gave her (love makes people stupid).

    this is just my opinion based on my experiances and not a view from a male/husband perspective. you should talk to your friends and family as they know your whole situation better than i do. i can say yes to a divorce because i will be the least affected from it. it would hurt my wife more. if it was the other way around, i may be against a divorce.

  6. #14
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    carang is offline Registered User
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    sorry, cheating (for me) is a BIG no-no... there are no longer just the 3 of you... EVERY woman he sleeps with becomes part of your marriage.

    to me, it is emotional abuse... he's telling you that you aren't good enough every time he cheats on you... the scary thing is, it sounds like you are starting to believe it.
    hence, emotional abuse. he's lowered your self-esteem to the point that you don't think you deserve to be treated with respect and love.

  7. #15
    stephanie.happy is offline Registered User
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    mwong222, same as you, I had never slept with my husband since my son was born. I've seen photos from his cell phone showing him with different girls and once a SMS, no solid evidence showing he has slept with any, but I still believe he has cheated on me given woman's six sense. Similar as you again, I'm from Australia and he is a Hong Kong-er, that makes us even more different on all things.
    It sounds you still love your wife. If you wife wishes you to go to bed same time as her, that means she still loves you too and she wants the same love from you.

  8. #16
    mwong222 is offline Registered User
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    2.5 years is a long time. unless a good reason for it, should have talked to your husband a long time ago.

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