- 09-23-2009, 10:38 AM #9
sorry, this may not sound productive, but it sounds to me like your husband really needs a slap up-side the head!
i suggest that you DO go away for
a weekend and leave him to do everything, then he will see what it is REALLY like. a couple of hours is nothing compared to an entire weekend.
as for not letting the helper take care of the child... what the hell did you/he hire her for in the first place? (directed at him, not you!)
honestly, i wouldn't be able to live with a husband like that. i think if i was in your situation divorce would be inevitable.
- 09-23-2009, 10:56 AM #10Registered User
- Join Date
- Mar 2009
- Clearwater Bay
sounds like there's a cultural issue/difference at play here, so i don't think the advice to 'just walk away' and leave your daughter with your husband for a day will fly with him. he'll just get crazy and start spewing out hurtful attacks at you again. obviously it sounds like you've tried and this is the response you get - far from him learning his lesson, he gets all worked up about you 'spoiling his day' by leaving him alone with your child. and it doesn't sound like he will ever see the point, unless you two get some professional counseling. is this something you think he would be willing to do with you?
i really feel for you geomum. my parents had similar issues raising me (i am an ABC; my father was and still is a chauvenistic chinese man, however many years he has and will continue to reside in the US). they never resolved it - in the end they got a divorce and it was better for everyone that way. but they separated because he refused to go into counseling with her - yet another cultural issue there. do you think your husband could be convinced? i can tell he is really hurting you, and this must be symptomatic of other issues which will probably eventually cause a serious rift in your marriage.
i am now married to a canadian guy whose parents were/are straight out of 'leave it to beaver' - very 'normal' by north american standards. the behavior you describe and the behavior which my mother put up with for 18 years is so far removed from his way of thinking that it is really like i've lived in two different worlds. when i describe to him how it was with my parents, he is incredulous. amazing how different two cultures can be when it comes to family life and raising children. of course NOT ALL CHINESE MEN are like this!!!! i absolutely know this. and not all western men are like my husband and his father. but i am speaking in general, in stereotypes.
my point is, it will hard to change your husband's mentality because he was likely brought up and steeped in the belief that the men are the real 'earners' and 'workers' in the family and women have it easy because they aren't expected to 'work'. the only advice i can offer is to push him toward counseling either by a professional OR (perhaps easier) by a friend of the family (a fellow father?) whom he respects but who has a different attitude toward family ilfe and how to respect his wife/mother of his children. maybe have such a person call him to have a chat? with someone like your husband, you do need to be more creative and take a more roundabout route sometimes... somehow i doubt that being the type of person he is, he'd be open to professional counseling.
- 09-23-2009, 11:00 AM #11Registered User
- Join Date
- Mar 2009
- Clearwater Bay
...otherwise, i am also afraid that separation is inevitable. it really boils down to how stubborn he is.
- 09-23-2009, 11:05 AM #12
forgot to say, as most of you know, my husband is locally born & raised and i believe an anomoly when it comes to asian men.
- 09-23-2009, 11:22 AM #13Registered User
- Join Date
- Jan 2007
Sorry to hear you're going through this. Apart from all the great suggestions here so far - maybe what could help a little is to hang out with other families with similar aged children - this would put it in perspective for your husband. I know you said that he doesn't like going out etc but how would he feel about you inviting a friend to come home with their child on a Saturday or Sunday just for a couple of hours to hang out and play? I think you have to do this otherwise the working spouse just gets caught up in their own bubble and can't understand the reality of how children DO behave.
Also, you could enrol your husband and daughter in a Saturday playgroup/activity - and suggest that then he do lunch with her afterwards...or before..or whatever.. Say that you think they are not spending enough time together and that you're worried about their bonding etc - that you know of lots of other dads who do this on a Saturday and that he shouldn't leave it too late etc. Hopefully he'll go for it and that way at least you might get a clear 2 -3 hours away from them both on a Saturday. Gymboree maybe? Just a thought as I know all the other things may take time like convincing him to participate in counselling etc..
Hang in there I know its not easy
- 09-23-2009, 11:27 AM #14Registered User
- Join Date
- Apr 2008
- Hong Kong
I think its a case of the 7 year itch.... and he is finding every reason he can to make break my spirit. I am not as attractive as I was before I became a mum, I don't feel like having sex since I am pregnant or when I was bfeeding and don't earn so he finds me useless exept for doing household chores. Of course he denies everything he ever says and boasts of being the best husband I could have got, his ego being the size of Jupiter. Divorce is not the norm from where I come from and I don't want my children to be raised without a father. I guess I will suck it all up for now. Thanks everyone at least now I know I am not wrong in feeling the way I do or exaggerting my situation. After all when you are being constantly told you are not good enough, self doubt does begin to creep in.
- 09-23-2009, 11:29 AM #15
I'd smack him for you.
Im currently HUGE and trying to get this baby out of me but I can spare a coffee and a shoulder whenever you want. Your husband seems to be using you as a means to vent, he may even feel inadequate. Please realize its NOT your fault, he's not being unsympathetic - he's REFUSING to beleive that anyone can have it worse than him from the sounds of things. Again, this is HIS issue. How does he feel about the two of you going out alone now that there's someone to look after your little girl? If he jeers at that suggestion that its all fun and games for you or the like there's further evidence that he's having issues himself and looking to blame anyone else but him. Try and breach the subject with him, ask him why he feels the way he feels and that he HAS to know how hurtful it sounds - because its NOT coming from a healthy place.
If that doesnt work the offer still stands, I'll smack him for you :PProud Mama to Kian Danyaal 08.12.2007 & Adara Michelle 10.10.2009
- 09-23-2009, 11:35 AM #16Registered User
- Join Date
- Jul 2008
- Tsuen Wan
Can I smack him too?
I really want to, after reading more of your posts.
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