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Unsympathetic Husband

  1. #25
    geomum is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Hong Kong

    Like I said he is crazy about our daughter and I don't want her to grow up without a father. We planned a second because I didn't want my medical issues to progress further and interfere with the pregnancy. I wanted a sibling for our daughter. I used to share everything with my family but not anymore coz they get very concerned and can't do much anyways. There are days when he behaves well but others when he is an arrogant bull. I don't react most of the times but when it builds up over days we end up having an arguement where I eventually give in and go to sleep.

  2. #26
    yuukalim0404 is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Tseung Kwan O

    What can I say? you are amazing,it seems that you already know how you want to handle this despite the odds, and just needs a space to "vent", if this is the case then I am sure this forum will suffice. All the best.

  3. #27
    akachan's Avatar
    akachan is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Sep 2009

    maybe just have sex with him sometimes? I know you are uncomfortable and easily exhausted now, but showing some intimacy--even if its just with a hand--might reconnect you guys in some way. (sorry to be so graphic)

    it could be what you said earlier, that with a full time maid and everything, he feels you arent doing as much as he is in terms of work (which is unfair to say) and on top of it no intimacy, or joking, talking laughing? could it just be that you guys need to reconnect? maybe go somewhere with him and figure out what made you guys fall in love in the first place. maybe you're both ignoring the other's needs?

    If that doesn't work get all of us lined up to smack him in the face!

  4. #28
    sea princess is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Jan 2009
    Hong Kong

    Oh, geomum, this is crazy. I can feel the stress oozing from you as you post. This is not good for you or your baby - the effects of chronic stress on a developing baby can be detrimental. I don't want to further add to your stress, but you really need to do something. OK I accept you don't want to leave him. No woman would find this an easy decision in your predicament. So have you thought about marriage counselling? It really shouldn't be a suggestion, it should be a condition of staying. You cannot put up with this. From what you have said, he sounds like he is from another planet. I have many more words to describe him if you need it!
    I do not accept that his upbringing is responsible for his terrible behaviour. I know plenty of men with violent and/or unloving upbringings, and now they are amazing father's and husbands.

    Like many people that have posted, I want to slap him too!

    I have a friend that has a similiar case. She has had three children with a man with similiar views and is one very unhappy individual. She has terrible self esteem, never feels good enough no matter what she does in life etc. etc. I keep telling her, "Jane you have had three kids what bigger or more important job is there in this world?" Her children now 7,5,3 years of age have also been adversely affected by the hostility in the home. Her oldest, who her husband was once very good with, is now incredibly critical and harsh with him. It's quite shocking actually. He is 7 and already feels like he is not good enough. He is also angry and has huge issues with friendships with people. Think about it? You might be able to get through it, but can the children?
    Please take care.

  5. #29
    aussie mum is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Apr 2007

    it does take him 'walking in your shoes' for him to see what it life is like for a full time mum. my husband has always been quite understanding, at least he said he was but I could always tell that he didn't really 'get it'.
    then one typhoon not long after our second child was born he was working from home - so was tucked away in the bedroom and we were going about our day as if he wasn't there. my 2 year old was having tantrums over nothing, reflux baby was screaming as usual and i was in quite a good mood getting breakfast, lunch, dealing with the usual crap in my day but not overly bothered by anything - i had had MUCH worse days.
    he came into the kitchen out of the blue, gave me the biggest hug and said "don't worry, it will get better and you are doing a great job". I couldn't believe it. completely unsolicited and i could tell he finally understood! ever since then if i complain about my day at all i know he now has a point of reference.
    He now suggests I leave the kids with the helper a couple of times a week to have some me-time.

    Its tough when you are pregnant and so very tired. the novelty of pregnancy has worn off for both of you this time around and it can really impact the way you both handle it!

    I wish you the very best of luck. I can't begin to imagine what it must be like for you right now. And given how difficult i found the transition from one child to two (nightmare!) I urge you to try and sort it out now.

    ...oh..and i forgot to add - i'll slap him for you too :o)

  6. #30
    wanfamily is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Apr 2008

    erm - can I join the slapping line please..?
    Geomum, that lovely girl that your husband adores was brought into the world by you and you deserve respect and adoration for that. What ever you decide, please do remember that you deserve to be happy too.
    Take care of yourself.

  7. #31
    snagito is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Jan 2007

    Great that your husband is crazy about his daughter, but he needs to understand that she doesn't come as a stand-alone being - you are what's made her into what she is today - you've put in so much effort into bringing her up and keeping her safe so that she can see Daddy for a few hours a day or a weekend or whatever it is.

    How about taking a little break from things. Take your little one and head back home to friends and family and stay for at least 6 -8 weeks. Tell him why you're going - and that you need space and time to think about the relationship. I think he needs to be a little concerned about what's going on -maybe this will be a wake up call for him. If not, at least you would have had a bit of a break from it all.

    Thing is Geomum, this is the last time you can do this --6 months from now your daughter would have probably started a regular playgroup/activity --and more importantly - you'll have a tiny one needing more attention and things will just coast along with all the resentment that you're feeling etc. If I were you, I would act now and head out once your helper comes back. Stock the freezer if you feel like it with home cooked meals, put the pizza delivery number on the front of the fridge - then he can't say he'll go hungry; the helper should be able to keep the place clean - so then it's up to him to realise how 'empty' a place HK can really be and hopefully make a big effort to get you back here and happy by Christmas.

    What do you think?

  8. #32
    Hunter is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Hong Kong

    Geomum, I basically became speechless when I saw your posts. What your husband did are just so familiar in my family too. I am surprised to see so many similar cases in this forum.

    Our problem is originated from the different views of raising a baby. We argue a lot because of our son. and now, I think the problem is not from our son anymore, it is from us. even he is being a better daddy now, I still find him annoying to me. yeah, i guess it is due to the lack of respect, lack of support, lack of understanding, plus he will make small things a big fuss. He will list out all the wrong doings whenever we fights. I do not respect man of this kind. I guess I grew up in a no-big-deal family. whenever things happened, we deal with it, but not making things a huge fuss.

    I mean I am very stressful, physically and mentally. I know he is stressful too. but to me, if we stay strong together, we can still maintain a happy family.

    Now, I don't want to talk to him, I don't want to see him, and of course we haven't had sex for a month by now because I don't want to.

    I feel so tired to write about the nasty things that flame me out, but yeah, very similar to your case, geomum. (but lucky that he didn't ask me to work in his office when I ask him to take care of my son).

    Some of you suggest to leave him with the baby for a day, well, this won't work for my case. my "dear" husband will send my son right to his parents.

    I feel guilty for my son that I am unable to give him a happy family. I know it is not a good idea to argue / fight in front of my son, but boy sometimes the man just flame me out...I feel sorry.

    It is very difficult to talk about this to families and friends. In front of friends, we are like a pretty happy family.

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