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Unsympathetic Husband

  1. #1
    geomum is offline Registered User
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    Unsympathetic Husband

    I really need some practical and useful advice on this issue, which has been taking an emotional toll on me forever. My husband shows no sympathy or respect towards anything I do. For example I was out and about the whole day with my daughter yesterday, went for her school admission, went grocery shopping and then to HK Park (I am 4 months pregnant). So by the end of the day was very tired and slept early. And what he had to say was why do loafing around if you get so tired.
    He thinks I go out for my own fun and not coz our daughter needs to do activities. This is just one incident, of many.
    If my daughter refuses to eat (Which is almost always) or wear her clothes/ diaper he blames it on me that I have made her like that. I mean she is 18 months old and its normal for her to rebel. If I tell him I am tired today taking care of her, he says why did you give birth to her if you couldnt take care of her or he says what will you do when the next one comes when you cant handle one. He is so rude I can't believe my ears sometimes. We have no social life coz he hates to go out and that too he blames on me. Infact he thinks I am to be held responsible for everything that goes wrong. If I tell him I am doing the best I can he says your best is not good enough, every other wife does much more, all I do is sit on the computer all day. It brings tears to my eyes hearing that and writing this down. Please advice....
    Last edited by geomum; 09-23-2009 at 07:57 AM.

  2. #2
    spockey is offline Registered User
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    I must say that as the one who has a full plate, I can get very unsympathetic with my husband. I guess from your husband's perspective, he has a far more stressful or demanding life. So, going out and about with your daughter is really a piece of cake? He's probably, like me, sometimes green with envy at how much easier it seems for you (in my case, my husband) as you have options. No bosses, no deadlines, no timetable, no sales targets, etc. You can choose to stay in and play or head out or put off what can be done today tomorrow or later.

    If you can't resolve it with him, why don't you leave your daughter with a helper (if you have one) or a reliable babysitter once or twice a week and find an avenue for just mummy time? AND, don't feel guilty about it. With a bub in the belly, I'm sure it's even more necessary! Seek small pleasures. Don't just make it about her - make it about you too!

    Or, simply have a chat about it to him and if he still isn't receptive, work around it to make it work for you.

  3. #3
    Shenzhennifer is offline Registered User
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    geomum - my husband is a more naive and kinder version of your meanie hubbie, but nonetheless unsympathetic and I feel doesn`t give me any respect either, despite his protests on the contrary.
    There`s a show on Discovery House and Home where the spouses(or another family member) switch places for a weekend just to see how hard it is managing the kids/house/meals/bills etc. Why don`t you try that for a weekend? Go to a spa instead. Let your know it all husband show what a big man he is. Next time he says that your best isn`t good enough, that`s when you can let him know that you`ll be going away for the weekend, and see if HIS best is better than yours.
    My husband also thinks all I do all day is play with the baby and surf the net. I have a cleaner who comes once a week and I know he thinks that is lazy of me. I haven`t been out on my own for 1.5 years, except to go to yoga once a week, and recently he complained about that.
    He also thinks that since he is the breadwinner that he is the only one with a `job`, though he won`t admit these things openly like your husband - it`s more his sideways comments that come out.
    I agree with Spockey that you should get a babysitter once or twice a week and get some YOU time. You`re in your honeymoon trimester, and soon enough you`ll be even busier than now. Now is your only chance to get away.
    I get so sick of my husband`s attitude sometimes too, that`s amazing you could even make a second baby with yours.
    This theme is so recurrent that I wonder how marriages work at all.

  4. #4
    LeahH is offline Registered User
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    I really feel for you - unsympathetic sounds like you are putting it lightly.

    Yes, he may have no experience of toddlers and babies and his attitude is based on a lack of understanding. He may think his life is more stressful and demanding than yours, but that is no excuse for cruelty and undermining your partner.

    As a working mum with a full plate, I absolutely recognize that staying home with a toddler (and more so with a toddler and baby) is extremely hard work.

    Even with the pressure of a demanding job, being the main breadwinner and the sorry state of the financial services industry, I sometimes see going into to work as getting a bit of respite from the madness of home.

    However, that is because I've been on both sides of the fence.

    Somehow you need to open his eyes to your life and your challenges. He certainly needs to understand typical toddler behaviour so he does not expect so much from your daughter. Also how hard things are going to get for everyone when baby number 2 comes along.

    You should of course try to talk it through with him, but what happens on the weekend, does he spend much time with your daughter? Could you arrange it so he has to look after her on his own for the whole day (not just a quick outing). My husband quickly got the picture when I went back to work after maternity leave!

    I do agree with Spockey that you should try to take some time for yourself any way you can - that is vital.

    Good luck!

  5. #5
    yuukalim0404 is offline Registered User
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    Geomum, I sent you a PM, please take good care.

    I guessed it really takes a fulltime mum to understand the woes and stress we all go through. "Being in front of the PC" is the only way we manage to get some comfort and validation for all our hardwork and sacrifice!

  6. #6
    geomum is offline Registered User
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    We've recently hired a full time helper who worked with us for a week before going to Indonesia for 3 weeks. I sent my daughter with her to the indoor playarea in our building for an hour and my husband thought it was lazy of me and I was trying to escape my responsibility. He told me that I was under no condition to leave our daughter with the helper alone!!!
    In the last 18 months I have been out alone on weekends about twice and everytime he threw a big fit. He says I have entire week for frolicking about town so why spoil his weekend by making baby sit. He adores our daughter and takes care of her during weekend but only when HE wants to. I don't deny his life is more challenging than mine BUT demeaning someone day in and day out, making them feel worthless is just cruel and unfair. I've tried talking with him many many times but he ends up saying really nasty things so now I avoid making a big issue of anything.

  7. #7
    geomum is offline Registered User
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    To add I've known this helper for over an year, she used to work for my friend/ neighbour, so it wasn't like I was sending her with a complete stranger.

  8. #8
    spockey is offline Registered User
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shenzhennifer View Post
    There`s a show on Discovery House and Home where the spouses(or another family member) switch places for a weekend just to see how hard it is managing the kids/house/meals/bills etc. Why don`t you try that for a weekend? Go to a spa instead. Let your know it all husband show what a big man he is. Next time he says that your best isn`t good enough, that`s when you can let him know that you`ll be going away for the weekend, and see if HIS best is better than yours.
    Geomum, I left my husband for three weeks (for work in Europe so, i could not be in touch except once a day) to manage the household, the domestic helper, pay the bills, care for our son, organise the meals, shop for groceries and he had for the first time in a long time had to go back to full day work. When I returned, he said to me, "Yes, it is NOT EASY being a full time working mum in a stressful job." He's been quite understanding since. So now, when I tell him I need a break, I get one immediately.

    Sometimes, it's important to walk away so that our partners can gain some perspective.
    Last edited by spockey; 09-23-2009 at 10:40 AM.

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