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But you just went ahead and did it???

  1. #9
    Obiwan is offline Registered User
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    Hi thanka2, i don't have similar experience as we just had our first.

    Reading your post, my gut feel is that you might not be ready at this juncture, perhaps you can put the thoughts aside for now? As you are still young, you can 'wait' until such time when you feel that you are physically, emotionally, financially ready. That way, you may feel less overwhelmed
    Husband+toddler+work+study+pregnancy do sound like a lot on the plate ....

  2. #10
    thanka2 is offline Registered User
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    Quote Originally Posted by carang View Post
    forgot to say, that although you always wanted to be "finished" by 30, that's still really young and maybe you are putting undue pressure on yourself. i didn't have my first until i was 32 and had my second at 34. for us, it was the right time. financially it would have been impossible to have any earlier. it never feels "right" financially (my hubby's biggest worry about having #3)....
    Thirty isn't really all that young. I know, I know, I know...women are having babies at 50 nowadays and the median age in HK, I would guess (don't quote me on this) has to be about 35-40-years-old. So, it would be a hard thing to convince this city that 30 isn't all that young for childbirth. Because I had my first at 24 (nearly a decade earlier than many women in HK), I definitely see the world differently than many of the ladies here, I'm sure. About finances, I don't think having babies is ever financially impossible because looking at my own family history, there is always a way. Yes, maybe not as comfortable to have babies until you have all your financial "ducks in a row." It's all about priorities, I guess--what's important to people. Some people feel that dressing their baby in designer clothes and pushing them around in a high-end Italian pram are really important or having the money to send their child to the biggest name schools in Hong Kong and take them on holiday several times a year to another country. Others live by the philosophy that if their child is fed, clothed and housed (which could mean a lot of different things) then that's what's important. I think that many people in this city are waiting to having children until those ducks line up and I'd say they are the ones putting undue pressure on themselves (i.e. "Let's have the perfect financial situation set up before we have a child..."). As I said, we made it with very little money so money isn't really the issue for us, I think.

  3. #11
    thanka2 is offline Registered User
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    Quote Originally Posted by Obiwan View Post
    Hi thanka2, i don't have similar experience as we just had our first.

    Reading your post, my gut feel is that you might not be ready at this juncture, perhaps you can put the thoughts aside for now? As you are still young, you can 'wait' until such time when you feel that you are physically, emotionally, financially ready. That way, you may feel less overwhelmed
    Husband+toddler+work+study+pregnancy do sound like a lot on the plate ....
    "Young" is a relative term, I think. My age may not show it, but I've lived a lifetime in a very short amount of years and experienced many things that people one or two decades older than me have not. As I said, I have my reasons and 30 really is the window of opportunity for having babies for me. So, I really don't have that much time. I'd like to hear from those who chose not to wait until they were physically, emotionally and financially "ready." The truth is that I don't know a single person who could honestly say they were really "ready" in any of these aspects for having another child. (Because children bring surprises one could never prepare for--even if they had all the advice and knowledge in the world to turn to). Also, as I've said, finances aren't the issue for me (unlike some other families in HK who have babies based on the figure in their bank account--take the 2006-2007 "baby boom" for example which correlated with some of the biggest IPOs in history). However, there is something to be said for being as healthy physically and emotionally as one can be before childbirth but with me, there can always be improvement in that area--I doubt I'll ever get to the point where I'm like, "Yes, now I am as healthy physically and emotionally as possible....let's have a baby..." I could wait for the rest of my life if I was waiting for that. Also, being healthy does not guarantee a smooth baby experience--as caragn said pregnancy "doesn't agree" with some people. Having said that, I am taking steps to become the healthiest me I can be--not just for the sake of having babies but just because I need/want to do that for me.

  4. #12
    thanka2 is offline Registered User
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    Quote Originally Posted by arleneli View Post
    Hi...
    Agree with carang about 30 is still young...but you might consider about their big gap of being too far apart... right now...i am worrying about the 7 years gap between my daughter and my son. It occurs to me that they would be much closer if they are not that far apart in age. I wish we were ready like 3 years ago....well..that's life anyway
    Interesting thought, Arleneli. Age gaps are really important. I have friends who have brothers and sisters who are a 5+ years older than them and their relationships are not close. My brother, sister and I are exactly 3 years apart (not planned that way but that's the way it happened) and we are all still close and were growing up. Even though my sister and I are 6 years apart, because we had a brother in between us, we still had a sort of "glue" to keep us together as siblings. He's only 3 years older than her and I'm 3 years older than him. So, if I wait until I'm 32 to to have another baby that baby will also be 7 years younger than my son which is a pretty big age gap--maybe not at first but as children get older (one is about to finish primary school when the other is just beginning etc.) it makes for less close friendship just because each child is in a very different stage in life. I also have friends who had their first child at 24 and their second child at 25 and while it was difficult going at first, the children grow up being very, very close. There are arguments for both sides, maybe?

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    my kids are exactly 2 years apart (one was due march 3 and the other march 4!)

    for me, it is the perfect gap. that's one of the things that concerns me about having #3...if i were to get pregnant tomorrow, there would be 3.5 years between #2 & #3...

  6. #14
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    thanka2,

    Thanks for raising this topic! It's currently at the forefront of our minds so I'll share our experience with you.

    Our first is 14 months old. He took 18 months to conceive and we always said we'd start trying for #2 when #1 reached 12 months; one of the reasons being in case it took a long time to conceive again. Well we kind of tried these past two months but got nothing. Then we started wondering... There are many advantages to having children close together, there are also many advantages to waiting awhile, many of which are listed above. Should we aim to have #2 now? Should we wait another year? What's the answer??

    My answer? I agree there's never a 'perfect' time so perhaps it's time to throw caution to the wind and see what happens. What will be, will be and whenever fate sends us our #2 he/she will be perfect.

    With regards to finances, my father-in-law, who is Chinese says when planning a baby not to worry too much about finances because babies bring their own 'milk'. :)

    Erica

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    barbwong_130 is offline Registered User
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    I personally don't think that age gaps matter too much - at least not for the children. They will assume whatever age gap they have is normal, until someone tells them it isn't.

    I never thought twice about the fact my sister is eight years older than me or that my brother was only 14 months younger than me until someone at the playgroup I took my kids thought they were strange gaps. (My mother had problems getting pregnant with me and so tried almost at once with my brother and fell straight away.)

    Likewise I have four children the first three both have three years, plus or minus a few weeks, between them and the baby of the family is seven years younger. And again they think nothing of the fact there was a late baby or a bigger gap between the last two.

    Thus I would always have the age gap that suits the mother and father. It is the parents that have to cope with the babies and toddlers together and later with teenagers together.

    I think you'll find as many stories about children born close together who get on well as who don't get on at all and likewise with a large age gap. I got on very well with my sister, much better than with my brother when we were growing up. And my elder two children get on very well with my youngest, much better than how the last two get on. I think personality is more important that age gap.

    One nice thing about starting a family at a young age is that if you change your mind and decide you do want more children this is an option - much harder to have a late baby if you have your first at 39.

    Thanka2 - as you are so questioning about if now is the right time I'd guess it isn't. But maybe in another six months you'll feel differently - there isn't any hurry you still have loads of time, even before you are thirty.

  8. #16
    thanka2 is offline Registered User
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    Quote Originally Posted by barbwong_130 View Post
    I personally don't think that age gaps matter too much - at least not for the children. They will assume whatever age gap they have is normal, until someone tells them it isn't.

    I never thought twice about the fact my sister is eight years older than me or that my brother was only 14 months younger than me until someone at the playgroup I took my kids thought they were strange gaps. (My mother had problems getting pregnant with me and so tried almost at once with my brother and fell straight away.)

    Likewise I have four children the first three both have three years, plus or minus a few weeks, between them and the baby of the family is seven years younger. And again they think nothing of the fact there was a late baby or a bigger gap between the last two.

    Thus I would always have the age gap that suits the mother and father. It is the parents that have to cope with the babies and toddlers together and later with teenagers together.

    I think you'll find as many stories about children born close together who get on well as who don't get on at all and likewise with a large age gap. I got on very well with my sister, much better than with my brother when we were growing up. And my elder two children get on very well with my youngest, much better than how the last two get on. I think personality is more important that age gap.

    One nice thing about starting a family at a young age is that if you change your mind and decide you do want more children this is an option - much harder to have a late baby if you have your first at 39.

    Thanka2 - as you are so questioning about if now is the right time I'd guess it isn't. But maybe in another six months you'll feel differently - there isn't any hurry you still have loads of time, even before you are thirty.
    But, how can a 14-year-old and a 7-year-old really play together as peers and thus bond? It becomes the 14-year-old babysitting the 7-year-old--therefore they have another "parent" but not really a sibling they can relate to. I never said that my friends don't get along with their siblings because of an age gap but instead they aren't close--as in they don't feel a close tie with their siblings because while they were 10, their older siblings were finishing secondary school, going to university and leaving home--they basically grew up as only children because their siblings were almost a separate family apart from them because of the age difference. It's not that they actually quarreled with their siblings. They knew they had siblings but it was more like a cousin or a uncle.

    It's just my nature to question, I think. Getting pregnant with my son was unplanned and if that pregnancy hadn't been graciously rained down upon us I likely would still be running this same debate with myself over a first child. I probably will never consciously make the decision to start actively TTC with a second child (as in really go for it...) but we don't use any contraception and haven't for the past two years. I chart my cycles and we use a very lose version of natural family planning but even with that, I think if it were God's will we get pregnant, we'd be pregnant already--meaning we aren't all that careful to avoid getting pregnant and in NFP that is called "achieving-related behavior" which is the same thing as TTC. I guess what I'm trying to say, if I were being honest with myself, is that we are TTC but at the same time hoping we don't (or at least I am, my husband wishes we had a second child by yesterday). Talk about contradiction, huh?

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