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But you just went ahead and did it???

  1. #25
    spockey is offline Registered User
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    Quote Originally Posted by thanka2 View Post
    Thank you for responding, Arleneli.
    Also, I'm planning to go back and get my master's degree next autumn so yeah, I don't think I can handle husband+toddler+work+study+pregnancy all at the same time.
    Husband + Toddler + Full-time work + Study = Can do.
    I completed one while I was preggers. And started one when my little man was a little less than 2. But only after i found my groove back... it was HELL on earth being in HK for the first year and a half.

    Husband + Toddler + Full time work + Study + Pregnancy = Not impossible with a great support network i reckon.

    Personal belief that a woman can do anything they set their minds to (provided they have a supportive environement). Am thinking of starting my Doctorate next year and hopefully fingers crossed include a pregnancy.

    I have two close friends doing just the combination you mentioned - living away from home (London & NY) with no DH! One of them was pregnant with 2 kids when she undertook her Masters!

  2. #26
    thanka2 is offline Registered User
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    Quote Originally Posted by nicolejoy View Post
    You know, we could reply to this topic all day long, and it would just be OUR experiences. When it comes down to it, YOU'RE the only one who knows what is right for YOU.
    Of course, and actually, I wasn't really asking for people to tell me if its right or wrong for me. But, I always find it helpful to hear other peoples' experience and then make comparison--it's really good for me to have a sounding board with other people and well, it's just interesting to gab over this topic. I'm not really looking for answers here--I just like hearing others' stories too.

    I'm completely 100% different to you. First bub was planned but took over 12 months to conceive. Always wanted more than one baby. My one baby was a very good baby (although lately she hasn't been sleeping so good and I'm more sleep deprived now than when she was a newborn!!). After she was born, we decided to just "not try to not conceive" since we wanted them close together and since it took so long the first time. We were ecstatic when we found out when we were expecting when she was only 9 months old, devastated when we lost the bub. I'd love for nothing more than to be pregnant again, hopefully it will be as easy as it was the 2nd time...
    I also wanted more than one baby--I wanted four! But, yes, you're right, we didn't plan our pregnancy--came off the birth control pill (Thank God! I will never take that "rat poison" again--sorry ladies for those of you who do the pill but it wreaked havoc on my body!) and was pregnant within a cycle. But the weird thing is that prior to going on the pill we had never used contraception and I actually thought we were infertile (and hence was not cautious after coming off the pill) because we didn't get pregnant for the entire 18 months we didn't use contraception. So, actually, I think that the hormonal residue of the pill still in my body may have made getting pregnant easier. (I've never read any studies tracking this but have heard other women say it was easy for them to get pregnant right after the pill). So, who knows, we may have low fertility anyway because as I said, we've nearly been doing the same thing for the past two years and no babies.

    But, anyway, after I went through what I went through that was a huge reality check for me. As I was going through it, it seemed awfully unfair to have such a miserable time of things that it pretty much crushed any hopes I had that I could realistically go through that over again. It felt very sad. I can't imagine having really wanted to be pregnant and have another baby and then lose a child, so I feel so heartbroken when I hear that's what happened to you. I really can't imagine.

    The whole motherhood scenario made me realize I am not super-human. I thought that pregnancy would be like anything else I've ever gone through--even though it was hard I could just pull myself up by my bootstraps and get through it and be victorious over whatever in the end. Boy, was I wrong!

    My first pregnancy and baby could have ended my life and nearly ended my marriage so it was pretty severe all around. But at the time we got pregnant our life was so up in the air that that made it difficult as well. We didn't even have our own house but instead shared a tiny flat and closet-space room (photos attached) with my parents-in-law. No money to speak of as well and although money is not everything it really does affect the stress level of life--studies show that money issues are a major contributor to divorce, actually.


    The steps/drawers leading up to our "luxurious" bed of the room we lived in. I like to share this because it seems almost too crazy to be true.

    Isn't it spacious? ROFL! Yes, we shared a single bed for 6 months! Good thing my husband is really thin! (but once I got that pregnant belly going on, he had to sleep on the floor on a mat under the desk)


    In Retrospect, according to the HOLMES-RAHE STRESS TEST my stress level for the year while I was pregnant with my son was 292. Contributing factors were: marriage (I had been married 9 months when I fell pregnant); pregnancy; change in financial status; spouse beginning/starting work; finishing school (I had just finished university and was looking for work); change in living conditions (in a period of 9 months I had moved country twice and had just landed in HK); change in residence (went from living by myself to living with my husband to living with in-laws to living with husband to being separated in 9 months) as well as changes in church-going, social activities, family get-togethers (could no longer see my family whom I was really close with) and changes in eating habits (I don't really like Chinese food and was losing a ton of weight when I first got here)-->all that added together comes to a score of around 292. According to the Social Readjustment Rating Scale (SRRS), 200-299 points is a moderate level of stress. 300+ points is a major life crisis. I was 8 points away from having a nervous breakdown, it seems. If we had had the money to go on vacation or have a stressful Christmas, I don't know what I would've done! Then when I gave birth to my son, that added another 39 points and coupled with the "personal injury/illness" that followed the birth (53 points), brought my total up to a whopping 384 points! --it literally sent me over the edge. So, when I look back I'm like, "Ah ha! That's why I lost my marbles!"

    So anyways, completely different to you - and I'm not trying to tell you what is best for you, because only you know that. Whatever happens though, I'm here for ya :)
    Yes, that's the beauty of it all. We're all different. It's just good to have people to sound off of and mull things over with. And at the time when I fell pregnant I really didn't have that support--I didn't even know this site existed until about 8 months after my son was born--and I guess I can credit this site with helping bring back my equilibrium too so thank you, Geobaby.

  3. #27
    Obiwan is offline Registered User
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    I think you are an incredibly strong woman thanka2. Kudos to you!!!!

  4. #28
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    wow! i thought I had it bad during pregnancy....i will say, though, that my husband and i argued more during the 4 months i was in the wheelchair than we did in 10 years together!

    pregnancy was not easy for me either, so you have my utmost sympathy.

    keep in mind though that a few factors have changed since #1...
    1) so far as i know, you and your hubby have worked things out
    2) he's been working a while now
    3) although not a huge income, it is income nonetheless which must take some pressure off
    4) you are not living with your in-laws
    5) you have a helper to help relieve the mundane, everyday nuisances such as dirty dishes and cleaning the toilet
    6) you now have an idea what pregnancy could be like and you may expect it to be similar (it could be much better or it could be worse), but you may be pleasantly surprised. if not, at least it didn't come at you out of left field.
    7) you've been settled in hk now for a while, you have a support network of friends around you that you didn't have the first time round. you also don't have the stress of figuring out where everything is while at the same time being pregnant.
    8) you and hubby both know what the first few exhausting months can be like and you may be able to come up with some way to combat the exhaustion together (possibly with the help of your helper).

    as someone with chronic hyper-tension, i KNOW about stress.... it seems to me, you've made some headway in that area and a second pregnancy may not be as gruelling as the first was.

  5. #29
    thanka2 is offline Registered User
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    Quote Originally Posted by carang View Post
    wow! i thought I had it bad during pregnancy....i will say, though, that my husband and i argued more during the 4 months i was in the wheelchair than we did in 10 years together!

    pregnancy was not easy for me either, so you have my utmost sympathy.

    keep in mind though that a few factors have changed since #1...
    1) so far as i know, you and your hubby have worked things out
    2) he's been working a while now
    3) although not a huge income, it is income nonetheless which must take some pressure off
    4) you are not living with your in-laws
    5) you have a helper to help relieve the mundane, everyday nuisances such as dirty dishes and cleaning the toilet
    6) you now have an idea what pregnancy could be like and you may expect it to be similar (it could be much better or it could be worse), but you may be pleasantly surprised. if not, at least it didn't come at you out of left field.
    7) you've been settled in hk now for a while, you have a support network of friends around you that you didn't have the first time round. you also don't have the stress of figuring out where everything is while at the same time being pregnant.
    8) you and hubby both know what the first few exhausting months can be like and you may be able to come up with some way to combat the exhaustion together (possibly with the help of your helper).

    as someone with chronic hyper-tension, i KNOW about stress.... it seems to me, you've made some headway in that area and a second pregnancy may not be as gruelling as the first was.
    Yes, I agree, it is different now but I honestly think I have post-traumatic stress disorder over a few things that I experienced. So, even though, logically, I know its over, I don't ever, ever, ever want to relive the feelings--physically, mentally, emotionally that I felt for the pregnancy or the first year. Honestly, it feels so bad that some of it, anytime I think about it, I just totally block it out but I can still feel it. Gosh, I guess the line for me must be, "Get thee to a shrink." And actually, I have been in counseling for this as well but, I don't know if those memories ever go away. For the last trimester of my pregnancy (pretty much 6 months pregnant to-the-day) I had panic attacks all night long every night so even going into labor, birth, newborn nights I was at that chronically sleep-deprived stage. It was a combination of feeling chlostrophobic (sp?) inside my own body because I was so huge that I literally felt "cornered" by the baby inside me--it's really weird to describe, but that's how I felt AND having hot flashes--I guess a small percentage of women show over-sensitivity to the higher level of hormones in pregnancy and I was one of them. I seriously tried everything to sleep including eventually medication (which I hated taking). But, yeah, I do believe I experienced what could accurately be called "night terrors." So, even knowing what it could be like makes me never want to do it again--I honestly don't think I could mentally or physically go through it again.

  6. #30
    Obiwan is offline Registered User
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    Quote Originally Posted by thanka2 View Post
    So, even knowing what it could be like makes me never want to do it again--I honestly don't think I could mentally or physically go through it again.
    This is said with the kindest intention ... I think you might not be ready at this juncture ... that doesn't mean you won't be in the future, maybe just not now? Happy mother = Happy toddler/baby. Sometimes it is important to make sure that we are happy first ....

    Again, it doesn't mean that you won't feel that you want a second baby some time soon ... :)

  7. #31
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    thanka, you have answered your own quesion, it seems to me.

    maybe, if you really want to expand your family and you can't face another pregnancy, you should consider adoption.

    my feelings regarding my pregnancies:

    i don't want to put my family through that again. i felt like 1/2 a mother the second time as i was so restricted in the wheelchair. i couldn't hold my 2nd for over 24 hours, so it took me a lot longer to bond with her. (i had general anesthesia and couldn't get upstairs in the wheelchair by myself, i had to wait for my husband to be able to wheel me up!)
    BUT
    i would do it all again in a heartbeat, if hubby agreed to #3...

    as you see, even though i had two traumatic births & pregnancies, for me, the end totally outweighed the means. i have no doubt whatsoever that you love your son with all your heart, but it seems that that is still overshadowed by what you went through to have him. unless you can come out from under the shadow of the pregnancy and release those fears/emotions that are wrapped up in your first horrid experience, you will never be in a "good" place and truly want a second child.

    ps> after my first, i thought there was no way i'd do it again. the epidural didn't take properly and i FELT my c-section... only way to describe it: they were trying to touch my bellybutton to the 30' ceiling. NOT nice!

  8. #32
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    just to clarify: i couldn't hold my 2nd after she was born for over 24 hours.

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