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But you just went ahead and did it???

  1. #1
    thanka2 is offline Registered User
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    Question But you just went ahead and did it???

    I have a question for those mamas who have more than one child.

    Were any of you not really sure about having a second baby but decided to go ahead and just get pregnant anyway? Not really looking at the mamas who eagerly and decisively planned for a second (or third+) pregnancy or those who just got pregnant a second time on accident. More interested in hearing from the ladies who just "chanced it." I'd especially like to hear about the thought process or reasoning that you went through in order to do that and what made you decide to go ahead and do it.

    Now, I doubt any mama out there would say that they "regret" having any of their children but did any of you have serious second thoughts about the decision you made after you made it--like in hindsight think that it might have been better to either A) not have another child or B) wait longer to have another child? Also would like to hear your thought process on that.

    Thanks for any responses!

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    arleneli is offline Registered User
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    Hi...
    My husband and I had been thinking of having our second child for years. After We had our first daugther, we firmly thought a "NO" for the first 3 years. Reason: definitely not ready to provide care to another baby cause our time was fully occupied by our first one, and financially not ready too. After a while, seeing other ppl having babies changed our thought. My daughter is asking for siblings too. This the major reason why we have another one. She asks about it everyday. She asked how the baby can be created and why we didnt have another baby to play with her. And we can see how lonely she is. When she saw other children (siblings) were playing happily, she really looked jealous. My heart broke just looking at her expression. So after she was allocated to a government funded school, we decided to have a go.

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    thanka2 is offline Registered User
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    Thank you for responding, Arleneli.

    Yeah, I just can't decide and a friend (who has two of her own children and has served as a surrogate for another two children) told me (after hearing my full pro-con list) that if it was that difficult for me to make up my mind--if the decision process took that much reasoning it was probably a sign that I shouldn't have any more kids.

    I know my son would be happy with a sibling because he's a social little guy. My husband grew up as an only child in HK and said it was extremely lonely and he always wished for a sibling. But still, I don't think that just doing it for my child is a good enough reason for me.

    Financially, well, of course it would be easier on the pocketbook to not have another kid but that's just one of those things you accept if you're going to go through with it. I mean, when my son was born, I didn't have a job and my husband made HK$10K/month--we didn't even have money for hospital bills. And so far, we're okay. Life does go on, it seems.

    And I really can relate to the part about being fully occupied with one child. Our son really makes our life full.

    But actually, the biggest problem for me probably is pregnancy, childbirth and the first year. I hated being pregnant. Childbirth was rough...really rough. Recovery was unbelievably gruesome and the first year was hell.

    Also, I'm planning to go back and get my master's degree next autumn so yeah, I don't think I can handle husband+toddler+work+study+pregnancy all at the same time.

    But the other thing is that I decided a long time ago that if I was going to have kids, I would be done doing it by the time I was 30-years-old so my window of opportunity is quickly closing.

    I'd like to hear more ladies' stories, if there are any out there that have gone through this. But, I guess in a city like Hong Kong with such a large population of "career women" (well, I think we all have a career but....) most pregnancies are probably very strategically mapped out.

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    carang is offline Registered User
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    i think everyone questions whether or not having any child is the right decision. even though i REALLY wanted my first, when i got that positive test result, i started to question myself. i questioned myself right up to the delivery and especially during the delivery.

    it was the same with the second.

    heck, to be perfectly honest, there are still days that i think, "what the heck was i thinking?"

    pregnancy didn't agree with me either. both times i was off work and during my last one i was in a wheelchair for 4 out of 8 months.

    that said, to see my two kids playing together makes it all worthwhile. they light up when they see each other. after a day of being at school, my son's first question to me is, 'where's XXX?' when i bring him home he, literally, runs up the stairs and they hug and **** and on occasion resort to rolling around on the floor together. last night, they spent over an hour together in the bathtub.

    to me, when i look back, having a second (although difficult) was a no-brainer.

    seeing the kids together now, i wish i could talk hubby into #3.

    HOWEVER, for me, the child does not have to be "of my body", i would be as happy adopting. the trouble is getting my local hubby to agree.

    maybe, if pregnancy is too difficult for you, adoption could be an idea?

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    carang is offline Registered User
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    forgot to say, that although you always wanted to be "finished" by 30, that's still really young and maybe you are putting undue pressure on yourself. i didn't have my first until i was 32 and had my second at 34. for us, it was the right time. financially it would have been impossible to have any earlier. it never feels "right" financially (my hubby's biggest worry about having #3)....

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    HKfornow is offline Registered User
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    Thanka2, I find myself sort of in the same boat as you, ie, currently have one sociable child, asking for sibling, my hubby is an only child also, and questioning myself if I want to go through and have another one.

    While my pregnancy was smooth, the experience after birth was in one word "HELL", I still have a lot of issues/scars from that experience mostly related to the MIL, and my child was quite sickly. . . so it's not something I want to go through again. . . I feel like I finally see the light as my son is just now starting primary school. At the same time, we are concerned about what will happen when we are gone. . . as my son will not have siblings and a "support group". Pretty much most other moms tell us that we should have another one, if nothing just so that my son won't be lonely, etc.

    However, my biggest thing is that I don't think I can handle being a mom of two. . . I honestly do not think I have it in me. . . and that is my primary reason that I refuse to have another one. It might be selfish of me not to think of my son's future, and consider his loneliness. However I figure why inflict myself on an innocent child if I don't think I can be a wonderful mom? So in the end I think it is quite a personal decision. . . only you can decide if you really WANT another one.

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    carang is offline Registered User
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    the thing is, when you hold the child in your arms, you ARE a mother of two and everything that you were concerned about falls by the wayside, much in the same way it did when you held your first.

    i think that many mums wonder if it is possible to love a second baby as much as the first. and if i was to be perfectly honest, the feelings i have for my second weren't as instantaneous as they were with my first.

    i remember telling my new 2nd baby how much i loved her, and thinking "am i telling her this because it's true or because i'm trying to convince myself?"

    however, after a few months (she was a very colicky baby), i realised that it WAS true. my daughter is a light in our lives as much as our son is. they both have their own personalities but they are amazing, special and wonderful each in their own ways. my son is more shy, my daughter the social butterfly. my son considers things carefully before acting, my daughter is impulsive. they play together and love each other so much, i really can't imagine what my son would have been like if we'd not had our daughter.

    my mum is the eldest of 5. her husband is an only child. he still has issues (and he's 62 yrs old). when his dad died, he was only a little boy (4-6 yrs old). it was just him and his mum. when his mum died, it was only him. on the bright side, he's never had anyone else to worry about. on the other hand, he's never had anyone else to worry about. he doesn't enjoy christmas or birthdays. he's never had "family" christmases... he had no family. he doesn't have any neices or nephews, only cousins. he still likes to do things on his own and my mum still has a difficult time getting him to "open up" (even though they've known each other since they were 10 years old). he's just not used to sharing his feelings with anyone else. he's always had to manage on his own. to me, that is a very lonely existance.

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    arleneli is offline Registered User
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    Hi...
    Agree with carang about 30 is still young...but you might consider about their big gap of being too far apart... right now...i am worrying about the 7 years gap between my daughter and my son. It occurs to me that they would be much closer if they are not that far apart in age. I wish we were ready like 3 years ago....well..that's life anyway
    Last edited by arleneli; 11-02-2009 at 11:12 AM.

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