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Frustrated.

  1. #9
    carang's Avatar
    carang is offline Registered User
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    really, there are some men that feel they will never be ready. i honestly would question whether you two want the same things from a life together.

    i don't mean it in a nasty way, simply that if he REALLY is against having kids and you REALLY want them, then perhaps yours is not a marriage that will survive. either way, one may end up resenting the other.

    are you sure it is a case of "not now dear, but sometime" or does he (do you think) REALLY never want them?

  2. #10
    geocup Guest
    Yep, I totally agree. I do not have close friends here which makes it difficult. My husband goes out once or twice a week in the evening and does not get home until very late. This really bothers me, but I need to trust him. I sometimes would like to just go out on a Friday night and get home after him and see if he trusts me.....

  3. #11
    geocup Guest
    Carang - yes, I do sometimes think that this will not work out. Especially this past week these thoughts have been floating in my head.

  4. #12
    StareBear is offline Registered User
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    Hi Cupcakes,
    Yes I had my first baby in November when I was 32. Luckily my husband didn't need much convincing. He wanted them years ago and I was the one who was putting it off. Agree though that getting him to spend time with babies may do the trick! My husband only really started showing interest once our nieces came along.

  5. #13
    Aava.Wong is offline Registered User
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    how does he act around other peoples' babies/kids?

  6. #14
    thanka2 is offline Registered User
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    Hey Cupcakes,

    Having or not having kids is a dealbreaker, I think. At least that's my observation. It's not a light choice like, "Should we move to House A or House B?" Actually, having children is a major life decision that could be compared to the choice to convert to a certain religion or something. It leaves you forever changed and unlike converting to a religion, you can't change your mind later and "convert" back.

    One example:

    A close family friend, I'll call Kelly got married to a really great lady--she was a rehabilitation nurse specializing in physical therapy--seemingly one of the most nurturing and maternal women you could ever meet. Basically, by looking at and talking to her you would just assume she would want children. She wasn't particularly "career-driven" but she also told him that she wasn't keen on having kids. He married her figuring that with age she would change her mind as he had always had a desire to have at least 2-3 kids. Turns out, she didn't change her mind at all with age and it eventually drove them apart. Kelly's desire to have kids was not a whimsical issue--it was part of his life's calling and one of his deepest needs actually--to be a father. Adopting pets and spending time with friends and family couldn't fill up the void. They divorced, sadly and it broke his heart. On the flip side, his wife was not ready and didn't have the same desire to have kids. To this day, she doesn't have any and doesn't want any. This issue made them actually incompatible.

    My questions are:

    1. How long have you and your husband been together/married?

    2. Before you got married did you talk over the issue of kids? What was his response back then? (A lot of people really advocate pre-marriage counseling to go over these types of issues and get everything on the table--did you guys go through anything like this?)

    So, not to be a doomsdayer or anything but having kids is a "for real" issue--this isn't light stuff you're upset about here.

    Honestly, if I were in your husband's shoes, I think I would need a reality check. One of my secondary students brought up a good point this week in a debate we were having that money can't buy happiness. She pointed to the recent example of Casino Tycoon, Stanley Ho. He is one of Asia's wealthiest men and in his field he is at the top but he had a stroke and now he is disabled. In the end, your relationships with people and your family are the only things that matter because everything else can be stripped away pretty easily. I think it would be so sad, as a man, to get to an old age when you look around to pass along your knowledge and experience and you have basically no one to give it to.

    And you're also not in your 20s where the inevitable "future" seems so far off--no, actually, the future has already arrived.

    But, having said that, if he really doesn't want children, then you shouldn't go against his will. Also, if you want children and he doesn't, he shouldn't force you to give up your dream so he can fulfill his. It's gotta be a compromise, actually if it's going to work. And 34 isn't 24. Modern medicine has come a long, long way but that's still no reason to risk not being able to have children, I think. IVF treatment doesn't always work (you can find lots of examples on the web of women who are distraught with trying to conceive with IVF and it not working). Adoption may be an option later on but it has to be what you want too.

  7. #15
    Gataloca's Avatar
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    Well, it seems that your hubby never said that he didn't wanted a baby, he is just delaying it... Probably he just doesn't feel ready, or there is something else that he would like to do before taking that step.

    I just realized it late, but actually that seems to be the case of my hubby. Actually before we got married, he has told me that he likes children.. by then, I was the one that wasn't sure I would like to have children.. I have never been very attached to kids (put a dog/cat and a kid together, and I would probably play with the dog/cat). But as I felt that I was running out of time, I turned out to be the one that wanted to have kids. Now I am pregnant, and he seems to be unhappy all the time. We talked about this the other night, and it seems that he has lot of "unfinished business" (just kidding!). Anyway, he wasn't feeling ready cause there were lot of things that he wanted to do before taking the next step... like doing the home renovation so we could live better, taking a long trip to Europe, just for the 2 of us, etc... Now he feels that some of his dreams will never become reality.

    So, my point is, is there anything that your hubby would like to do, that will not be able to do in the future, after you guys have a baby?

  8. #16
    carang's Avatar
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    funny that you mention a long trip...

    hubby and i did a couple of those before we had kids. (we got together when i was 25, married when i was 27 and didn't have first child until i was 32. had second when i was 34.)

    we did a month in italy and later on a month in egypt. we chose egypt as it was a place i'd always wanted to go and not a place i'd take young children (i wouldn't take them until they were at least 9 or 10 yrs old.)

    i'm very glad we did that BUT, now that i have kids, i can tell you that planning a trip changes COMPLETELY when you have kids. everything revolves around them...HOWEVER, depending on how you raise your kids, there should be no reason why you can't travel europe with your kids! we did a month in australia and had a BLAST with our kids!

    now, my kids are 3 & 5 and one of the things i have the MOST trouble with is finding a short trip away that hubby and i can do without the kids. our problem is that we enjoy our kids so much that everywhere we want to go, we come up with things that the kids would love to do...so we don't want to go away without them. the ONLY exception to this is bangkok... i want to go for massages and complete relaxation... hard to enjoy 3 hrs of massage if you have kids with you...

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