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Am I too demanding??

  1. #1
    TwinsMom is offline Registered User
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    Am I too demanding??

    I have twin girls (1.5 yrs old) right now and got 2 DHs taking care of them everyday + my grandparents will come almost everyday to monitor, my 1st helper was really good, she will take initiative of doing the housework, telling story for the babies, and manage to teach the babies some commands...etc. However, she is old and her grandson's due date is in Aug this year, so she was planning to retire by March next year. My 2nd helper (she is a referral of my 1st helper's friend) but i was shock that her English is so poor, I can only understand 20% of her English.... but she can speak a little Cantonese. I am appreciated that she has a kind heart to my babies, I am sure she loves them but she also has too many shortcomings....

    (1) Always close her eyes in anywhere, such as feeding milk (cannot hold the bottle properly and the baby cannot suck!), sitting in the car (but the baby was sitting next to her), when the babies playing on the floor (she was sit at the back wave toys but with her eyes [email protected]@)
    (2) She slept on my bed (when carrying my baby) while I was away from home to work
    (3) She was picky on food! A lot of things that she won't eat (some kind of fish, goose, meat...etc). I think she serves herself like a guest rather than a helper... she will show a dark face if I bought her McDonald!
    (4) She spent one hour to steam just one fish in the kitchen (that's for her dinner only, not for me), and I was exhausted by taking care of my twins at outside, i was so pissed by yelling to her asking "How many dishes of food are you preparing in the kitchen? 8 or 10?"
    (5) Last week, both helpers and me are thinking when should start cooking for the babies as they were still sleeping, and my 2nd helper said (with smile) "maybe you'd better ask xxxx (my 1st helper) to cook, I don't know how to cook faster" --> What attitude was that?!
    (6) When she taking care of the babies while they are playing on the mat, she will just sit down and speak nothing but watching at them (sometime with her eyes close) she seldom talks to the babies even though she can hear the babies ask her questions, such as "mama? baba?" she got no response at all....
    (7) I have told her don't speak English to the babies (but she keeps saying), the reason was her English is too poor and even my 1st helper told me a funny conversation between the babies and her... She asked the babies "How many fingers on your toes?" and the babies was like "@[email protected]"....
    (8) She carried my baby on her chest and sleep over night on her bed (due to my girl easily wake up in the middle of the night, I guess she wants to have a better sleep so she don't want to bother by waking up so many times!) but i don't think it is good for my baby though!

    I am thinking whether i should change my 2nd helper, the only thing that i appreciated her was her love to my babies and willing to work late but she also has too many shortcomings. I am worrying after my 1st helper's departure, she cannot manage the twins on her own, as I am not planning to have 2 helpers after the babies go to pre-nursery school by the end of this year.

    Can anyone give me some advice here?

  2. #2
    carang's Avatar
    carang is offline Registered User
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    there is no way she can handle 2 babies.

    BUT:

    if she is expected to be up all night taking care of YOUR babies, then OF COURSE she's tired!!!

  3. #3
    shuchisingh is offline Registered User
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    if she's doing night duty then ofcourse she's tired and sleepy during the day. twins are a handful aa such.

    give her reasonable hours and see if her work is different.

  4. #4
    TheQuasimother is offline Registered User
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    Seems like there are a few issues you need to think about:

    (1) Poor English/Cantonese


    Quote Originally Posted by TwinsMom View Post
    My 2nd helper (she is a referral of my 1st helper's friend) but i was shock that her English is so poor, I can only understand 20% of her English.... but she can speak a little Cantonese.

    (6) When she taking care of the babies while they are playing on the mat, she will just sit down and speak nothing but watching at them (sometime with her eyes close) she seldom talks to the babies even though she can hear the babies ask her questions, such as "mama? baba?" she got no response at all....

    (7) I have told her don't speak English to the babies (but she keeps saying), the reason was her English is too poor and even my 1st helper told me a funny conversation between the babies and her... She asked the babies "How many fingers on your toes?" and the babies was like "@[email protected]"....
    She can speak a little Cantonese and has poor English. Which language would you prefer? Indonesian? Tagalog? Maybe she doesn't communicate with your child because she doesn't want to be scolded? We've encountered this problem before and simply limited our child's interaction with the helper. She was just the housekeeper. Our son was encouraged to play on his own and we filled his time with activities outside the home with other kids of similar age. Dad also quit his job so that he could take care of our child (recently).

    (2) Sleeping during work

    Quote Originally Posted by TwinsMom View Post
    (1) Always close her eyes in anywhere, such as feeding milk (cannot hold the bottle properly and the baby cannot suck!), sitting in the car (but the baby was sitting next to her), when the babies playing on the floor (she was sit at the back wave toys but with her eyes [email protected]@)
    (2) She slept on my bed (when carrying my baby) while I was away from home to work

    (8) She carried my baby on her chest and sleep over night on her bed (due to my girl easily wake up in the middle of the night, I guess she wants to have a better sleep so she don't want to bother by waking up so many times!) but i don't think it is good for my baby though!
    Are you aware that while you are at work, she's working too? On top of her day chores, she has to tend to your child while you rest so that you can get to work? Too demanding - Definitely! Ours is "forced" to be in her room by 8! We tell her that it's enough for the day as she needs to do her own thing and get ready for the next working day.

    Just out of curiousity, why is she sleeping with your child? I'm a working mum and i have NEVER allowed my helper to care for my child as long as I'm at home! I put up with the lack of sleep and compensate with lots of caffeine. On the weekends, I sleep in or catch an arvo nap. Even now, pregnant with No. 2, i bring the pillows out to where my child is if I'm very exhausted, put on a DVD or litter the living room with toys as I watch my child.

    Your helper sounds overworked. I was a SAHM for 5 months (without a helper) and I know how demanding it can be with just 1! Imagine twins! Take a page out of her day and revise your work schedule for her.

    (3) Food Issues

    Quote Originally Posted by TwinsMom View Post
    (3) She was picky on food! A lot of things that she won't eat (some kind of fish, goose, meat...etc). I think she serves herself like a guest rather than a helper... she will show a dark face if I bought her McDonald!
    We had one who was picky. And told her that she eats what we eat. If she's not keen on it, she can cook herself a simple dish with whatever raw ingredients we were using that day e.g. fried rice, instant noodles etc. as long as it didn't infringe on our meals.

    (4) Snail's pace work

    Quote Originally Posted by TwinsMom View Post
    (4) She spent one hour to steam just one fish in the kitchen (that's for her dinner only, not for me), and I was exhausted by taking care of my twins at outside, i was so pissed by yelling to her asking "How many dishes of food are you preparing in the kitchen? 8 or 10?"
    (5) Last week, both helpers and me are thinking when should start cooking for the babies as they were still sleeping, and my 2nd helper said (with smile) "maybe you'd better ask xxxx (my 1st helper) to cook, I don't know how to cook faster" --> What attitude was that?!
    She's on island time. Can't change this. Experienced this. The only way I got around it was to help her in the kitchen or my husband would prepare the meals while she assisted. It is tiring but I just didn't want to end up a screaming banshee as after a long day's work.
    “If you want to get to the castle, you’ve got to swim the moat.” Richard Jenkins in Eat Pray Love

  5. #5
    TwinsMom is offline Registered User
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    thanks for the advise. Yes, understood that she is tired given the baby cannot sleep well at night, I am completely fine for her to sleep when the baby taking a nap during day time.

    The babies will go to a full-time pre-nursery from 9am to 5pm at school, do you think one helper is capable of handling two by then?

  6. #6
    carang's Avatar
    carang is offline Registered User
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    forgot to say:

    YOU are tired after taking care of your children for an hour while she cooks.... and yet you expect her to be ok taking care of your kids, cooking, cleaning AND being awake all night with YOUR kids???

    that doesn't seem reasonable to me at all.

  7. #7
    TwinsMom is offline Registered User
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    sorry, I missed out something here - during daytime, my grandparents will help to look after the babies so the helpers can do the housework, even my 1st helper also wondering why she keep staying in the kitchen for so long, I understand that different people have different way/method to cook but really need to take an hour to make some simple food? She takes around 45 mins for a shower though.

    I said I was tired taking care of them was because we went to Ocean Park from 12-6pm at daytime, I keep carrying 2 babies all the way inside the park without a stroller (they refuse to sit down) and my other helper was on holiday on that day. That's why I was pissed of waiting for her in the kitchen cooking for an hour bcoz she don't want to eat instant noodles.

    My husband is a frequent traveller so most of time will just have me + 2 helpers at home.

  8. #8
    blingdiva is offline Registered User
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    Dear TwinsMom

    i think you are demanding a lot from one helper - to manage twins, your household and do the night shift. This is lot to handle for a stay at home mom let alone a helper.

    Me and my husband both work and our helper take cares of our little girl (1 year old ), manages the house and take care of our dog but we don't let our helper do the night duty as we want here to be alert during the day and we let the little things slide such as cleaning is not what is used to be but it is fine she spends a great deal time taking care of my daughter which is the most important thing!

    You mentioned that your daughters will be going to pre-nursery 9am to 5pm , if that is the case then yes you can manage with one helper but she will still need support and guidance from you.

    By the way, just my thought 9am to 5pm for pre-nursery seems like such long hours for the little one.

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