must vent (unsalted butter again)
- 07-04-2010, 10:41 AM #9Registered User
- Join Date
- Feb 2009
Sorry about the frustration you are feeling.
Do you get to spend time alone with your husband since baby was born? It's easy to get caught up with all the big and little things in life with a baby and drift apart. Maybe leave baby with MIL once a week so you and hubby can go out for dinner alone and refresh what you love about each other? It will be a more relaxing environment to talk about how you feel.
Try spending less time with MIL is one way to avoid conflict or build up frustration. When she comes visit, are you comfortable to leave baby with her and you go out for a walk or say " do grocery"? Going out with baby and hanging out with other moms can help you vent too. We can meet up somewhere one weekday morning if you are free.
- 07-04-2010, 11:44 PM #10
i keep asking him the same thing too, do you want to spend the rest of your life with ME or your mom? not that i'm saying cut off your mom completely, but she's not the one who's going to sleep next to you at night right?
He seems to take it in a way that means that I want her exiled or him exiled or something.
I HAVE suggested marriage counselling, more than once, he says it's a 'waste of money' even though I have tried so many different reasons and angles already. He just won't go. A friend suggested maybe if i went alone first it might help at least me, but i know (150% sure) that if husband found out he will use it as ammunition in the future (ie. 'you went to a shrink cuz you can't cope'). Plus I don't think it would be useful unless we BOTH went, and I can't get him to go unless maybe tied up and dragged.
I don't have much family in HK, so if i don't go (which means baby doesn't go) to the club, then he'll start the whole 'you are trying to separate me from my family' argument, which in the end i always give in and go anyways to get him to shut up. It's really a matter of which is less painful. I think going is probably less painful so I don't have to deal with him alone at home.
Sometimes I think I'm starting to forget the man I fell in love with and married, since I keep seeing this newly changed man everyday.
- 07-05-2010, 09:24 AM #11Registered User
- Join Date
- May 2008
im so sorry to hear this.
this is what ive learnt from my own family, growing up with extended families. the children are watching. even as babies they are. if you give in all the time, and not stand up for yourself, the children will learn these values.
but it is true, not all battles need to be won. sometimes when u win, u really lose. so you've gotta pick them. and i think going to see a counsellor by yourself will do you more good than harm. if he decides to use it against u in future, he's really not someone worth spending your life with.
sorry... just my opinion.
- 07-05-2010, 10:35 AM #12Registered User
- Join Date
- Dec 2008
- South District
i really feel for you...i really think you should send your hubby to the family club alone with your baby to meet with your MIL and other extended family whenever they have a family gathering....you should do that at least a couple times a month. this way, you can get a chance to chill out sleep in, get a massage, whatever it may be! and your hubby will get a chance to grow and become a "real" father! The baby will be safe...since your MIL is there, and because she's such an "expert" there's nothing to worry about - this will be a good learning opportunity for your husband and you will get out of conflict with your MIL. Not really solving the problem here, but tactfully avoiding any problems that might build up with your MIL. The problem that IS solved...hopefully, will be that your husband will see how much work is involved with taking care of a child and give you more respect for what you do and who you are.
I used to worry (with my 1st) that placing her with my MIL would do more harm than good....but, now, I'm at the point where I believe they love their grandchild and so she'll be safe - perhaps not the happiest in their company (since they don't really have a connection), but let my MIL know what a tough job it is...now she constantly goes around telling her friends how "amazing" I am because I can change my daughters diapers and how my daughter feeds herself so well (she was angry at first because she was a very very messy eater)...so, there is a light at the end of the tunnel! Don't give up just yet! It's hard, I'm sure...so get it out of your system here, you've got plenty of support here and hopefully you will a way to deal with them!
- 07-05-2010, 10:56 AM #13Registered User
- Join Date
- Jul 2008
- Tsuen Wan
As long as you accept your husbands attacks, he will continue. It's easier said than done, for sure, and much of it depends on your personal character, whether you are the type of person to stand up for yourself or not. But he will continue to bully you as long as you will take it. It's up to you to take the stand, and he will come to understand that being a jerk is not going to get him anywhere, because you are NOT going to take it. You need to have confidence in yourself as a mother, foremost. It sounds like you are doing a great job, but you need to believe it yourself. When you have confidence in yourself and your abilities, and you respect yourself, you won't let yourself be bullied by him or his mom.
- 07-05-2010, 12:42 PM #14Registered User
- Join Date
- Apr 2008
- Hong Kong
Been through this myself so I will tell you this..... I agree you are the primary caregiver for your son and you are making the right decisions for him but in front of your husband feed him Congee for God's sake and he will keep his trap shut. I am sure he is spending 12 hrs a day, 5 days a week in office, feed your son what you please in that time. My daughter loves beef (homemade burger & spag bol)but my husband does not approve of it, so I feed it to her for lunch. Be clever and creative. Give him the satisfaction but in your heart you know you are winning :)
Self cultivate and do things that make you happy.
Last edited by geomum; 07-05-2010 at 12:44 PM.
- 07-05-2010, 02:28 PM #15
thanks everyone, i really appreciate all your comments. It so good to have different views and opinions as opposed to just listening to my husband rant.
Just this morning he was going on and on about my adding half a slice of cheddar into baby's congee (baby doesn't really like bland congee so I was trying to up the taste a bit which he immediately started eating). I didn't say anything, not because I let him walk all over me, but because I can't stand for baby to be caught in the middle between two adults yelling at each other. As I fed my baby, husband was doing the usual 'you are poisoning baby, noone eats cheese for breakfast, you are making his stomach feel bad, his organs will fail, you have no common sense, you are killing baby' rant.
ANYWAYS, so today is just like yesterday except I have all you moms so I think I don't feel so bad today.
Ultimately, I don't want our marriage to just fall apart, I think I DO want to try to make it work but 1) I think we need to move further away from his mom's house, 2)we need to see a marriage counsellor and 3) he needs to trust me even the tiniest little bit.
Ultimately I know he and MIL are just wanting what they think is best for baby and are not out to harm him. But why can't they see the same of me? I'm not out to harm my own son! I just want what's best for him too, and although we might not agree on the same things doesn't mean that I think he's wrong, but unfortunately they always say I'm wrong. I'm just crossing my fingers and hoping that after the world cup and after husband gets a job (he lost his job which is why he's spending so much time at home) it will all get better. If not, then I guess I will just have to see from that point what's best for baby.
- 07-05-2010, 02:44 PM #16Registered User
- Join Date
- Oct 2008
I sometimes eat cheese for breakfast in a breakfast sandwich!!! I wouldn't hesitate to serve my son melted cheese on toast for breakfast either (though sometimes he will eat cheese and sometimes not, just depends on his mood). Hang in there!!!
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