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really struggling right now...

  1. #1
    carang's Avatar
    carang is offline Registered User
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    really struggling right now...

    ok. the past few months i've been VERY, very homesick. i finally talked hubby into us going home. i'm taking the kids mid-october, for a month. hubby will join us 1/2 way through for 2 weeks...

    so, i hit a wonderful high. but within hours, i plunged down into the depths of despair. here's what happened:

    i started to root around looking for my 15 year old address book that i misplace about 3 years ago after we moved to our current place. the last time i was home, there was one friend whom i couldn't contact as i didn't have time to find the book before we left. as it was we were only in that city for 1.5 days, but i still didn't call her.

    so, after an hour of looking around for the book, yet again, i decided to go online to see if i could find her.

    now, this would normally be very easy, but when she moved to vancouver (we were room-mates before she moved and were best friends) she used a pseudonym. she was an actress and thought her pseudonym was more marketable.... anyway, after looking online for about an hour, i FINALLY found an entry, but it was under her original name.... and it wasn't a phone number/address....

    it was an obituary!

    i thought, it couldn't possibly be her. she isn't even 40. she has a 12 year old son. i clicked onto the obit and sure enough it was her. photo and all.

    i feel dreadful that i didn't try harder to contact her last time i was there. she died almost a year ago, now.... so she's been dead for a year and i had no idea.

    i called her parents yesterday and could barely get through, i just saw her obituary... i'm so sorry! then i broke down in tears and so did her mum...

    anyway, i have a feeling that she died from one of two things (knowing her history) heart attack brought on by anorexia and bulimia or suicide. i'm not sure which or even positive that it is one of those, obviously, i couldn't ask her mum what happened...

    anyway, i have been close to tears (or outright crying) for 2 days now. i can't stop thinking about her....

    i can't stop wondering if i'd been a better friend would she have known how much i love her and how much i will miss her...and that she wasn't alone...

    i know i have to move on... i'm just struggling with it all right now....i'm excited about going home, but it just won't be the same without her....

    sorry to be so depressing.
    thanks for listening/reading.

  2. #2
    jvn
    jvn is offline Registered User
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    Carang, I'm so sorry.

    Not a lot else to say except that you're grieving and to allow yourself permission to go through that process, she was a friend who meant a lot to you and she's gone and it's ok to be so upset, it's not a function of when you last saw her or when you found out. Guilt is part of the grieving process, as is thinking that you might have been able to change things or do something - you don't know what she died of but it sounds like she had a history that nothing that you could have done would have changed.

    I'm sure she remembered your friendship as fondly as you do and I think it was very brave of you to call her mother, I'm sure that meant a great deal as well.

  3. #3
    snagito is offline Registered User
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    I would have felt terrible too. Is there something you could do in memory here in HK or when you are home that your friend would have liked? Take an ice cream treat to an orphanage for some children, something like that? And then take photos to show her family. Just thought it would be a way of feeling like there is something you can do. At least hopefully you can see her parents/family in October when you go.

  4. #4
    Bumps Guest
    Hi Cara,
    I empathise with what you are feeling right now. Grief and guilt are 2 extremely hard emotions to deal with. Don't be so hard on yourself. You were not to know that this was to happen. Life is fragile. I am sure your friend would have known how much you cared for her and I am sure she had fond memories of the laughs you had together. Remember the good times you had with her. It will be hard for a while but you must go home and enjoy yourself.

  5. #5
    Lisainhk is offline Registered User
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    Ahhh sorry to hear that Carang. :( I'm sure that was a horrible shock for you. I hope you are still able to enjoy your break.

  6. #6
    Frenchy is offline Registered User
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    Sorry for your friend, and your loss. I've been there too, know what it is to wonder "what if" and feel guilt about not being there more often, or being a better friend. There is not much to do, apart from doing your own grief. Don't feel sorry or miserable for her, it's not about you anyway.
    Don't want to be rude, but I also know that we are always looking for excuses... time goes fast, we are living far, we've lost the address, we didn't know that they were feeling so bad, or we just think that people will be there forever, even though when we know they are very sick .... it's just life, people come and go, in our lives, and on this earth, and wondering if things would have been different if you were there won't change anything, apart from putting some weight on your shoulders. You are not the one who should carry this weight.
    If she sees you, she would be surprised to see you are crying for her, and surely wouldn't like to see you crying.
    You've been good friends in some time of your lives, she's not in your life anymore but she'll be in your heart and your memories forever. Embrace the moments you've had the chance to share with her.
    I know it will take some time to realise all this and accept it, but this day will happen.
    Take care of yourselves, of your friends around you, and why not sending some flowers to her parents ?

  7. #7
    carang's Avatar
    carang is offline Registered User
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    thanks, all. it was truly just such a shock to find an obituary instead of a telephone number! i was going to be calling her parents if i couldn't find her number, instead i'm calling with condolences.....

  8. #8
    solidstars's Avatar
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    i'm sure she knows how much you love her. please feel better soon, maybe you could visit her parents if you are up for it when you go back to canada? i'm sure they'll (and she will) appreciate it.

    i hope you have a great trip back!

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