Two kids- equal love?
- 12-30-2010, 07:31 PM #1Registered User
- Join Date
- Dec 2010
- Hong kong island
Two kids- equal love?
Can you honestly say you love your two ( or more ) kids equally? We have a new born baby, though I spend 10+ hours a day feeding and cuddling him, I feel more affection with my 2 yr old who just make me smile every time I see him. And I wish I can spend more time with him.
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- 12-30-2010, 08:03 PM #2Registered User
- Join Date
- Dec 2008
- Tsing Yi
I have 3 sons. My 3rd is just a week old. I spend most of my time feeding and changing him. I also play with my 2nd son. But I feel that I am neglecting my 1st born. I feel very bad.
- 12-30-2010, 08:14 PM #3
if i were to be 100% truthful, i would have to admit that it took more time for me to feel the bonding with my second. with my first, it was instant. with my second, it took me a few more months to have the same feelings. i think it was because my second was a much more difficult baby. it made the bonding more difficult.
now, they are older (almost 4 and almost 6), i can honestly say that i DO love them equally. but they are different chidlren with different personalities so my love is different. they are equally awe-inspiring to me, just in different ways.
- 12-30-2010, 08:27 PM #4Registered User
- Join Date
- May 2009
I am pregnant with my second child right now and will give birth early this year. However, my thoughts are thus:
Babies are a lot of work--even if they're the cuddly type (and my now 3-year-old was not the cuddly type). To me for the first 18 months of my son's life it was a whole lot of work with very little reward. But, then when my son turned into a toddler, all of a sudden my love for him started to grow a lot. Now he's absolutely hilarious and entertaining and even though he still requires work, the bond we have is really tight. In the beginning, I felt like he was a huge investment of time and effort but we didn't get to see the "fruits of our labor" or much payback from that for a long time.
You've had a lot longer to bond with your first-born and every child and circumstance is different. Maybe your first born's personality and yours are similar or there are other strong things that particularly endear him to you. How was the pregnancy and birth experience with your second child? Babies require 10 hours+ day of constant attention but they can't communicate verbally their needs and perspective on life. They don't offer much in the way of companionship--every conversation you have with them is mostly one-sided. To me, when my son started talking, wow, that was when things got a lot better for me--because all of a sudden he became more "human" to me--like before he was just a needy thing that I didn't understand well but his personality started to shine through more and more as he became verbal and more physically able/independent. So, I've fallen in love with his personality. Sometimes it's hard to really love a baby's personality--especially if they are fussy and constantly rob you of sleep and sanity (as was my parenting experience).
I don't blame you for wanting to spend time with the toddler more than the baby. Some mothers even feel bored with their babies because well, babies sometimes aren't the most exciting humans around, right? Toddlers keep you on your toes--full of imagination and exploration. Some babies just sit there, poo themselves, spit up, cry and in other words require a lot of attention but at the end of the day they don't climb up on your lap and say something silly in your ear that makes you think, "Wow, that was all worth it." Baby care is pretty thankless in my opinion.
Also, this is your second motherhood experience so it may not seem that exciting to you compared with the first. With the first, us moms don't know anything (even though we think we do sometimes) and we spend all of our time taking photos and getting excited (or nervous/worried) about the littlest thing. The second go around must be a little less exciting--you've seen it before and you're ready for it. Maybe the love for our kids isn't as instant the second time around but grows deeper with time? I think it must be deeply individual.
I hope you will find (as will I) that eventually you'll love both of your kids equally but differently.“Many women have described their experiences of childbirth as being associated with a
spiritual uplifting, the power of which they have never previously been aware …
To such a woman childbirth is a monument of joy within her memory.
She turns to it in thought to seek again an ecstasy which passed too soon.”
~ Grantly Dick-Read (Childbirth Without Fear)
Mother of Two
JMW, boy, born November 29, 2007, 9:43 pm, USA
MJW, girl, born March 17, 2011, 4:14 pm, HK
- 12-30-2010, 09:44 PM #5Registered User
- Join Date
- Jul 2008
- Tsuen Wan
Good thread. I'm having my second in 5 weeks and I just can't imagine loving her as much as I love my son, who is almost 2, just because I think he rocks and he's beautiful and just love him to death. I feel a bit sorry for #2, who has to compete with such an awesome kid. But ultimately, I think I will be able to love them both equally. After all, she is my baby too, and when I get to know her, will surely love her just as much. I hope:)
But for the original poster, it ight actually be a good thing that you enjoy spending more time with your toddler than your newborn, as it's probably helping ease your toddler into having a sibling as he can still get so much of your attention. And your newborn doesn't know much the difference, as long as his needs are being met.
- 12-30-2010, 11:15 PM #6
I think it depends on SOOO many factors... but I do think that in the end, you will come to love your children equally. In my experience, with my first child, it was all a bit surreal and I didn't really "feel" like a parent until she was a few weeks old. When she was first born, I had this bizarre "and who are you?" feeling when I first saw her ;) With my second though, we had complications in the pregnancy and because of that, I felt FIERCELY bonded with her even before she was born. When I first saw her, I already felt like I knew her right away. The bond was MUCH more intense and "early" compared to my first born. However I love them both completely the same. Just the way that our bond formed was different. With my first, it was a growing process after she was born and as I learnt how to be a mother... with my second, it started because I was so scared of losing her.
- 12-30-2010, 11:56 PM #7Registered User
- Join Date
- Jul 2007
- Ap Lei Chau
During my second pregnancy, I wondered how I could love my second child as much as my first one, as my son is the world to me. Also, I didn't have the same time to appreciate my second pregnancy as much, as I was spending a lot of time with my son.
Then I gave birth and it has been exactly the same wonderful experience as the first one, and loved my little girl right away. In fact, it has been a shock for me when my son came into the room after the birth. He looked to me like a different boy, not my baby anymore.
It took me around 3 to 4 months to find the right balance in my feelings for my two kids, trying to find back the same love for the first one, and not feeling guilty of loving the second one.
I couldn't say that I loved one more or less, I just couldn't describe my feelings as I was still recovering from the birth.
Don't forget that you have to deal with a different situation when baby n.2 arrives... you are tired, hormones are up and down, visitors and people around, breastfeeding maybe (painful milk supply), your first child who is not alone anymore who has to find a new place in the family, short nights... don't expect your feelings to be perfectly balanced in the first days after the birth, it could take a few weeks or months... I guess it's part of being a parent !
- 12-31-2010, 08:09 AM #8Registered User
- Join Date
- Apr 2008
- Hong Kong
Something similar to Frenchy's experience, with my first one I bonded the minute I got pregnant and she meant the world to me when I saw her for the first time. With my second the only factor was time, I was so caught up in taking care of my first one that I didn't have time to sit and think about the new life inside of me. Till he was 3 months old I felt so guilty of ignoring my older one, I felt I forced her to grow up too soon by having another baby. So I didn't spend any special time bonding emotionally with him.
Now my son is 10 months old and I can say this... I love them both equally and would move heaven and earth to make them happy.
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