Desperate for advises and comments from other people!
- 01-20-2011, 11:37 PM #17Registered User
- Join Date
- Jan 2011
Thank you very much thanka, for sharing your experience. I really was reading every single word that you typed and you have more than motivated me and convinced me that anything is possible as long as the three of us stick together.
I had doubts if we will ever survive on our own.
Though, I think I didn't quite point out why I'm so keen on going back to Australia.
Firstly, both of us were raised there. It is truly HOME for the both of us.
Secondly, we love it there and we hate it here in Hong Kong. We don't drink or go out at nights, we enjoy parks and the nature.
Thirdly, we are dying for independence.. being able to take care of ourselves!
And honestly, this life is easy. But I was never the type to be happily living under other people's roof. I hate hand outs, and I am very surprised at myself to have stayed in HK for so long under my parents.
I WANT to take care of my daughter on my own, and I WANT to do it all on my own. If other moms can do it, so can I. If it means hard work then sure! I have the energy and I have the heart to give my daughter the best she deserves.
If it means I have to take care of my daughter during the day, study then go to night shifts while hubby takes care of daughter. Be it.
It may be easy to say, I don't know. But I believe if other people can do it, so can I.
Though, leaving my parents all by themselves in HK is unbearable...
- 01-21-2011, 12:06 AM #18Registered User
- Join Date
- Feb 2009
- Mid-Levels, Hong Kong
Sounds from this like you know what you want and have a long term goal, now you and your husband together need to come up with a realistic way to make it work. Good luck.
- 01-21-2011, 12:11 AM #19Registered User
- Join Date
- May 2009
Make a list of the things you need to change in order to become independent and then one-by-one just start doing those things. Talk is good but action is a lot better for you. Start with the most manageable things and work toward the more complicated ones. For example, choose a different school for your daughter and apply for the government subsidy (priority deadline is the end of May). You may say "But, my mom...." If so, remember that YOU are the mother of your child, not your own mother--no matter how involved she is in your daughter's life.
Then go look at flats and get an idea of what's out there in HK. Crunch the numbers on paper--make legitimate plans with your husband and then see them through. Whether your parents like it or not, you do need to move out and you need to do so soon--don't wait for the "Australian dream" to come true.
Start looking into hiring a helper to take care of your daughter (one that you'll pay yourself because you need to have complete authority over her care--not depend on your mother's choices). Take a job outside your mother's company. Make your studies your priority right now. Like it or not, at some point you're going to have to let others "characteristics rub off on" your daughter--you can't keep her in a bubble--you seem okay with letting your mother spend a lot of time with your daughter so why not choose someone that you like as a helper and do the same thing?
Your husband should start looking for work elsewhere as well. These are all the hard choices that will lead to independence. And finally, move out--even if you have to live in Sham Shui Po in a 200-square-foot room with cockroaches, you need to move out and make do with what you have.
But, this is only if you're really serious about becoming independent. The real issue here, in my opinion, is not Hong Kong vs. Australia--the real issue is dependence vs. independence. If you really want independence you should make that your priority immediately irregardless of whether you're in Australia or HK.“Many women have described their experiences of childbirth as being associated with a
spiritual uplifting, the power of which they have never previously been aware …
To such a woman childbirth is a monument of joy within her memory.
She turns to it in thought to seek again an ecstasy which passed too soon.”
~ Grantly Dick-Read (Childbirth Without Fear)
Mother of Two
JMW, boy, born November 29, 2007, 9:43 pm, USA
MJW, girl, born March 17, 2011, 4:14 pm, HK
- 01-21-2011, 12:37 AM #20Registered User
- Join Date
- Jan 2011
thanka, thank you so much for spending your time on my problem.
I agree with you, we're in a situation where we want to stop depending on my parents. And you are also right about starting now. We have a flat in Gold coast on mortgage, and we planned to move into that flat before the thought of going back to Sydney emerges.
Staying or leaving, we HAVE to start working towards being independent. And everyone here really helped us realize that independence is what we NEED.
I'm guessing everyone does agree that Australia is a better place for a child to grow up in then?
- 01-21-2011, 11:32 AM #21Registered User
- Join Date
- Jan 2011
- Chai Wan
After i read through, though i dont know how to share my advices or comments, i want to share bits of my life too....this story can be long... if you dont have patience for my so called "noisence" it's okay to skip it...
I'm a Singaporean Chinese born and live in Singapore all my life. My circle of life in Singapore is really small, as a only child, so you can imagine. However, do not get me wrong as a spoilt brat. My family was poor at first and my parents doesnt love me blindly. And so, at the age of 17, i opt to go to Australia to further my studies. And yes i'm in Sydney. I just couldnt tell you how much i love the life there (though i do admit that at that age, i love the freedom i can get more).
But when i graduate, i was thinking should i just stay in Sydney to work? At that time job market is not so good there and i just think that i had leave home for too long, away from my parents, so i went back to S'pore to work.
Later on, i got married to a HK guy and settled down here in Hong Kong. Believe me, i hate and cant get used to HK at that time. Though i can speak some cantonese, still i cant get used to them. Why they must do things this way, that way and etc.
At that time, my hubby and I both just rent a small flat and living on our own as his parents had retired and back to mainland china for more spacious life. He had to work full time, and study another degree. The 1st year here is the darkest period of my life, i was so stress that i loss so much weight that my parents wanted me to go back home with them. However, i tell myself that i choose to come here and i must adapt not waiting for the whole world to adapt to you. And all the while, i found a job through my hubby's help and start to work after getting my HKID.
So, one year get better than the other.....
At the end of 2009, we decided, we're more ready in every way, so we decide it's time to have a baby. And to our suprise it came really soon. In Valentine's eve, i found that i was pregnant, but i was bleeding as well. So i got a blood test in the hospital to check and blah blah blah. In the end, i miscarriage at very early stage.
It is from there i started to well.. you know... experience another darkest period of my life..
I then follow Dr Patrick Chan (very popular among Geobaby, but i didnt know he is good and popular at that time, as he is referred by the private hospital i went to, guess i'm really lucky) to get pregnant again. So, almost 11 months including several cycyle of injecting myself (my body doesnt work too well with taking the tablets, clomid?) i finally got pregnant again and give birth to a baby girl last year.
I know what Constancefaith talks about missing out little things for her girl. My hubby and i is lucky to have a good helper at home taking care of our girl. I suppose now i know how many work mums feel, the guilt and etc.
Now the in laws issue come, i dont agree in things that my in laws do, their way of showing love and etc. They came from China frequently now and help to take care of my girl. I remember i look stress upon post nantal check up with Dr Chan. All i remembered, the most important that he said was "you're the mum and the baby is yours, so you should be in charge"
So, now i try to solve any problems regarding my girl with my in laws. Yesterday, i just had a talk with my hubby. I think i'm now a mum already so i must be more responsible to what i do and so on.
I know i'm not as mature as many here, but i can see that that constancefaith is still young, so much younger than me.
And i fully agreed with what they all told you to start your little family without your parents and do everything yourself. When you look back, you'll realize you become stronger and learn so much more.
About leaving parents behind, i leave my parents behind too. And my grandpa is now sick in the hospital. Though my baby is not more than 3 months, i brough along her and visit him in the hospital. Maybe, to many ppl, it is not a big deal. But being chinese bringing baby that young on a flight is a big thing. My MIL is not very happy about me doing that. But i dont care. I'm the mum and the baby is mine. I cant just leave her with the helper and MIL to look after.
Of coz, there's many so called "accidents" that happen there, but hey, i pull through.
So, Constancefaith, if you decide to do something you can. Just tell yourself you can do it!
Good Luck. And thanks to those who read my "noisense"
- 01-21-2011, 12:27 PM #22Registered User
- Join Date
- Dec 2008
- South District
constancefaith, in many ways my situation is similar to yours. my husband and i have our own property (as wedding gift from in-laws) but we have never lived in it. instead we rented it out and have stayed (before kids) in a small apt (500sq ft) as a couple and then moved in with my parents after our first kid. we did have the option of moving back into own apt. but in a way we decided against it because (1) my parents live in a big apt and during the day my mom was very lonely in a quiet apt - moving there would bring more "noise" to the house (2) my parents wanted us to use the rent as our savings. we still live with my dad (mom passed away) and older daughter is 2 1/2yrs old...the plan was for us to stay with them for 2 yrs only and then move - but circumstances change and plans get changed.
i'm sure your parents are helping your family out and do not expect anything in return. it sounds like they are very typical chinese parents, similar to mind...like your in-laws, mine have contributed NOTHING! and my hubby says my parents treat him more like a son than his own parents...it took my hubby a while (1 year roughly) to get used to the idea of living "under" his in-laws...a taboo in Chinese culture - there was so much gossip about how we weren't financially well off, etc. but for my family - there are many more pros than cons...for example
1) i've managed to save up money through renting our apt.(can you rent out your place in Australia?)
2) we've managed to work full time AND study part time (me and my hubby - in fact we both finish this June) because I had my mom there for my kids even though my helpers are good
3) when we have been out of a job, there is not so much stress about finding one (of course we still tried very hard)
4) the family bond is actually stronger - it all comes down to communication..knowing how to listen and talk to each other - you guys are young, we were much older when we got married...you are the mediator between your hubby and parents - somethings you just got to make sure you don't tell him, somethings he vents about you can't let your parents know and don't get upset about it. my mom always said my husband was lazy and too comfortable - but hey, you know in the bottom of your heart that he is working AND studying at the same time! I've done that for 5 years - it's not easy!
5) most importantly though - your parents are giving you the time to build a solid foundation for your own family. sit down with your husband to write a 5 year plan....i've done a couple of those - you don't necessarily follow it to the T but it gives you a sense of direction and will help you become more clear about your own path. you have something that many do not have - it's time and a stable environment. it is great for your child, take advantage of it. you want your own family - your independence, time to grow up what now...that time will come, believe me, and when it is there, you will be more than ready. appreciate what your parents are doing and just let some things slide...focus on the important issues that make a difference if they are unresolved - pick your battles.
Your parents sound exactly like mine - they are just trying to help you build a good foundation so that you will have a solid backing when you do in fact move out on your own. don't lose focus - you and your hubby just need to set goals and work towards them...realistic goals - you have a daughter to raise together, and her needs come before yours (at least that's what I believe)... I hope I'm making sense - I just want you to know to really appreciate all your parents are doing, even though it might be hard to take sometimes. Believe me when you finish your studies many more doors will open for you, particularly being so young - as long as you have the will there is a way (kind of corny but true) you've got all the support in the world - as for your in-laws...after 4years of marriage, i have finally learnt to turn a blind eye!
- 01-22-2011, 02:36 AM #23Registered User
- Join Date
- Sep 2009
- Hong Kong
Your poor husband. Between work and study, he's often busy from 9am - 10pm. Including a commute, that's a 14-hour day. He's also the father of a small child and probably doing homework, too. No wonder he has a hard time waking up. His wife -- who, by her own description, lounges around at home with an "easy" family job, and who admits to being "lazy" and "materialistic" (your words, not mine) -- complains he's not "manly" enough?
As a Chinese woman myself, I think you have an unfair double standard.
I'm sure it wasn't on purpose, but maybe you didn't realize how hurtful this thread might be to the 90% of other expectant moms / moms. Read around. There are women who can't afford their preferred treatments or hospital, or who are raising children 1000s of miles from family, or who are torn between wanting to be with their babies or paying the bills.
Most "office lady" working moms earn less than the HK $20,000 of "spending money" you and your hubby get. How do you think they feel when they read your post about the 4 servants? Maybe to get some perspective, toss a little cash or volunteer time to a charity dealing with poor HK families? How about this one? http://www.soco.org.hk/artwalk2009/index.htm
I'm not dismissing your problems. Everyone has a right to complain. But you contradict yourself.
You can't be independent, and enjoy the luxuries of living off your parents at the same time. You can't be simultaneously here and in Australia. You decided to have a kid young and before you were done with school. That's fine, but now you have to make choices.
Nobody can be a stay-and-home mom, a working mom, and a student all at the same time. Considering that you have servants and drivers, surely you can get a part-time job or take an extra course, and still have time with your child?
The ever-wise Thanka is right. It's not a matter of Sydney or HK. You can be independent anywhere. In Oz, there aren't live-in amahs at your beck and call for HK $4,000 a month. My London girlfriends are well-paid professionals who still drop the kid off before work, grab groceries after work and do dinner and laundry themselves.
I'm sorry for this tough love. I'm not trying to be mean. I wish you all the best. Count your blessings, as they say. Good luck!
- 01-22-2011, 04:47 AM #24Registered User
- Join Date
- Jan 2011
- Chai Wan
Love gracey and thanka2 for writing becoz I had been without helper and living quite poor with hubby at first. I know what it is like.
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