Forums  •  Classifieds  •  Events  •  Directory

 
Page 4 of 9 FirstFirst ... 23456 ... LastLast

Desperate for advises and comments from other people!

  1. #25
    constancefaith is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    hk
    Posts
    26
    No offense taken but I would love to clear up by saying I never said my husband is not "manly" because he's not earning enough or doing enough. We both think that it is an issue that we're living under my parents, hence his self-esteem dropping because he's not the sole provider. We never had helpers back in Sydney and we did not ask for the 4 helper we currently have and if you did read throughout my posts I did ask/tell my mother to cut down on the helpers because we just don't need that many.

    When I refer to materialistic, it goes to the both of us and regarding baby stuff. And to be specific, my cut on the pay goes to mortgage 50% and 25% on "security fees" of the apartment we bought. The rest is on transportation to university and saving up for the next year's university fee. On the outside we have a luxury life of driver, helper, cars w/e. But every single month we're so stressed out, and we can't talk to anyone because it might "shame" my parents.

    **You do realize those 4 helpers are not requested by or hired by us right?** Also, please don't view me as complaining... because that is the least I am trying to do, I love to receive other perspectives regarding my issue to broaden my options and views. I have never said I wanted/enjoys the luxuries of living off my parents hence why I would like to "cut the umbilical cord" and have our own little family with no helper. I figured it was probably the easiest way for us to go independent by going back to Australia, as we don't have his family and mine are 4566 miles away from us. We will have no choice but to do it our own way and not rely on anybody.

    Our intention was to move back to Sydney as soon as daughter turns 3 months old. Hubby changed our decision and I'm not blaming him, but at that time he thought it was the best for us.

  2. #26
    constancefaith is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    hk
    Posts
    26
    Of coz, there's many so called "accidents" that happen there, but hey, i pull through.

    So, Constancefaith, if you decide to do something you can. Just tell yourself you can do it!

    Good Luck. And thanks to those who read my "noisense"
    Thank you taysty, and I'm very sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I've had one prior to my daughter and funny thing is my gynecologist actually told me I'll never be able to have kids when I was 13. So they are both a blessing to me.

    I'm not even close to mature yet compare to the rest here, but I am trying to mature up and live MY life. It has been too long satisfying my parents and living by their means and meeting their expectations since a girl.

    Hopefully you and I one day can move back to Sydney and let our kids enjoy the environment there... soon!

  3. #27
    lesliefu is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    South District
    Posts
    1,055
    I believe your husband is right...this is the best for your family in the long run.

    In some ways it is challenging, but through this process you will mature and become the person your parents want...a mature, responsible being - I truly believe that's what they want for you. You did say that your parents became well off after starting there own business...with that past, I would say that they want to minimize the hardships for you (being protective because they went through the "hard times") so that you can do the best to build your own family smoothly (that's why they are providing you with so much help - even though you told them it's not necessary)...they are giving you what they perceive as the "best" environment for you and your husband to build your family together - here or in Sydney - they are just trying to make getting the basic foundation a smoother process. hope i am making sense here...

  4. #28
    carang's Avatar
    carang is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    Sai Kung
    Posts
    6,259
    leslie, you are making perfect sense. even so, i disagree with you 100%. i think it may come down to cultural differences though.... there is no way i would live with my parents having them pay for everything if i have my own family and a way to make my own income. no way.

    when my brother and his family decided to move to canada from the uk, they lived in my mum's basement while my brother worked and went to university for his second degree. they paid my mum rent and paid for their own food/toys/car payments and all other expenses. the rent they paid was only $300/month, but at least they were contributing and basically paying their own way with a little help from mum.... to me, that is VASTLY different to what is going on with the OP. if that was happening, then i'd agree with you, leslie, it IS best for the family. BUT right now, it seems that the OP and hubby are not contributing to the household in any way and in fact are making use of the 4 helpers and driver, eating parent's food, enjoying parent's generosity with regards to rent-free etc. this doesn't help them. it only makes them more dependent. whereas what my mum did helped my brother and his family while they worked towards independence.
    Last edited by carang; 01-22-2011 at 07:37 PM.

  5. #29
    mummymoo is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    Hong Kong
    Posts
    316
    I agree with carang 100%. It is one thing to keeping feeding fish to a person and keep them happy and fed (overfed) and quite another (a true gift) to teach a person to fish and hence be self sufficient. As I said earlier, many Chinese children in well to do households never gain independence because no matter what they do (or so they think) they will never be able to afford the life to which they have become accustomed. In a word they are seduced into dependency.
    Also, I think that your parents comments about your hubby are not helping him or his self esteem, and you getting upset at him when he doesn't 'do what they want' (because to be quite frank he/you/your family has to because he owes them (even if it is only in your mind or in your parent's mind)......think about this). He is not lazy, he is very young, he works 14 hours a day, he is tired, and he is beaten down. The backchat doesn't help him when he is being stretched so thin. Your parents should find someone else to employ and criticise, and perhaps see if this other person will see it as 'love'. Not helpful in the least. He needs support and he needs it now.

  6. #30
    constancefaith is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    hk
    Posts
    26
    Carang, I would just like to clear things up so there are no misunderstandings.

    Out of 4 helpers, we only rely on one - whose contract is under my name. I pay for her. And the rest plus the driver are for my mom. As I've said earlier, I contributed money to both of my parents and they will not accept no matter what.
    They visits everyday, from breakfast till dinner. We buy our own food whenever they don't come in. We "contribute" by helping out in the house, me doing the accounts, making sure the helpers follow my parents instructions, checking what sort of groceries we're low on and hubby contributes by fixing around The house.
    So that is why I am mad at him when he doesn't.
    Please don't make my parents sound like they're slave drivers. Tell you what, my husband does go to work everyday but usually 30mins-3hours late to work.
    I admit he is tired but hear me out, he's also playing video games till 4am.
    I never thought I wouldve post that but I just don't want my parents to be judged like that.
    And my parents knows why he's late. In one month average hubby will call in sick at least 4 times, just because he's been playing games till morning or because he just feels like it.
    My parents doesn't even criticize in front of him! Even if my dad kindly asked hubby if he could fix something up for him because my dad broke his leg just before Dec last year - he still hasn't done it. He took a holiday from Dec 1 - last week.
    I had to constantly remind him that he has assignments due.

    So if you ask me, are we enjoying the luxuries of my parents' "generosity"? Not me. I know hubby does because he bosses them around with an attitude more than my parents does.

    I'm sorry if I sound worked up, but to categorize my parents as the murderer and hubby as victim. I can't stand that, sorry.

    Perhaps my parents have been "making things worse for us" but I know for sure that is not their intention. Whether or not this is a cultural thing, the moment I started this post I've already pointed out and stated that we want to be independent. Maybe to other people this is a luxury, to us its hell.
    I'm going to say this one last time, as a daughter, I already feel **** enough not being able to support my parent financially after I got married, it feels even worse when they feel the need to take care of MY family. The main reason we stayed was to spend some time together, since I've been away home for 5 years. It was not our intention to be depending on them and we don't intend to stay any longer anyway.

    Actually told mom about our plan to move into our mortgaged apartment and she was quite upset about not being able to see my daughter everyday. It was a moment I didn't want to face but we need our own lives.

    I do wonder why it took me this long to want out. Multiple reasons I guess, one major factor is my apartment hasn't completed renovating but definitely not because "this life is luxurious".
    Posted via Mobile Device

  7. #31
    constancefaith is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    hk
    Posts
    26
    Yes, Leslie, you are making perfect sense. My parents are typical Asian parents, they don't want their kids to go through what they've experienced growing up. They tend to provide a life that they've dreamt of.
    That is the best intention, however, i think it really depends on the child on its outcome. Some turns out grateful and works even harder, some becomes the famous "yi sai jo".
    I appreciate their help, and for so long. But I think hubby will need a wake up call cos he is relying on my parents every time he runs low on cash. The only time I have ever asked them for money was when I didn't even have the money to buy formula because hubby spent 3k on his mobile (went over data usage) and then further worsening the situation by going over data usage on my phone again for 5k!!!

    Anyhow, I believe my parents raised me into a responsible person (at least I didn't abort my daughter like hubby told me to). We're financially tight, but we will make it work..
    Posted via Mobile Device

  8. #32
    mummymoo is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    Hong Kong
    Posts
    316
    Constancefaith, well now that you tell us he calls in sick is often late, then it does put a very different light on the whole equation. Even if I were your parents I would be pretty annoyed. Perhaps your hubby has some growing up he needs to do too.....he's now the father of a young child and he needs to start to stand on his own too feet without falling back constantly his safety net.
    It is true what you wrote that your parents are trying to spare you hardship but sometimes as I've pointed out it doesn't go the way they/you planned/wished. Perhaps if you didn't have them backing you you and hubby might have pushed yourselves a lot harder and been able to be in a position where you could help support your parents/ feel more pride in yourself.
    I, for one, do not believe you are living the life you want even if it does seem luxurious, as I've said I've seen some very miserable grown up children out there. There is something to be said about achieving something for yourself and the pride you will feel when you do it. Imagine your daughter, do you think she will feel better about herself if you do her homework for her or if she toughs it through a little hardship and conquers the task herself. This is just your life magnified, sort of. Good luck.

Page 4 of 9 FirstFirst ... 23456 ... LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. Desperate!!
    By coolgirl in forum Preconception
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: 07-29-2009, 12:49 AM
  2. Need help, feeling desperate
    By jools in forum Preconception
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 06-17-2008, 11:01 AM
  3. Desperate for good helper
    By Paddles in forum Helper Forums
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 06-14-2008, 09:02 AM
  4. Desperate momma
    By annayiu in forum Playgroups
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 11-09-2006, 11:31 PM
  5. Desperate
    By engee in forum Sleep and your Baby
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 05-22-2006, 09:39 AM
Scroll to top