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Desperate for advises and comments from other people!

  1. #33
    Shenzhennifer is offline Registered User
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    I've been following this thread with interest. At first I was like, 4 helpers, what the...? But now as I hear more and more details and facts, it is becoming increasingly clear that perhaps your husband is the problem. You both are quite young, but he sounds downright immature, to a destructive degree.
    You got pregnant at 19, that's super young. Young to be pregnant, have a baby, get married, and turn into adults. That's really tough. Moreover, I can totally see why your parents have been 'helping' you guys so much. Ok, it's a bit over the top with the help, but they were probably really blindsided that all of a sudden their little girl was with child and husband. They also probably felt a loss of face, and what better way to make things up is to completely take care of you all. When things are done under their roof, they can see the benefits and it can make them feel good that you've not had to struggle with your child so much. Culture aside, I think they really want to take care of you right now (only 20! when i was 20 I was out traveling the world and getting into loads of mischief), and make sure your daughter is ok, and give you and your husband the best start that they see fit before you get out in the world by yourself more.
    I think they are saints for not saying anything to your husband about his antics. Video games till morning? Calling in sick all the time? Showing up late constantly? I would have fired his ass long ago. It must be really hard for our parents to be keeping quiet about this. They must really love you and your daughter.
    I don't know if going back to aus is a great idea, actually. Your husband might be just as much of deadbeat there as he is here, and there he has all his friends. Dude still needs to grow up, but sounds like he needs a bit of a kick in the but to get it started.
    I see absolutely nothing wrong with taking yournparents financial help, while younare still in school and supporting a baby. But perhaps to make you feel more independent or less guilty, you can ask them to help you move into a normal sized flat, in a location that you want. One helper is fine, for sure. $20k is more than enough if you don't have to pay rent(we get by on less than that after rent, and I am just expecting my second baby, no helper, but i don't work or go to school). You might find things improve for all of you here when you can make the calls a bit more. As for your husband, sounds like he needs to find a new job. I would ask him to quit and find something he is more enthusiastic about. Then maybe earning his own, even PT money, will make him feel better about his role in the family. And grow him up a bit.
    $6k is pretty extravagant for kindergarten. There are a lot more that are cheaper than that. Maybe you can start looking around and get your girl enrolled in a decent school yourself. If the parents want to assist in tuition awesome, why the heck not?

  2. #34
    carang's Avatar
    carang is offline Registered User
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    Quote Originally Posted by constancefaith View Post
    We are living in one of my parents' house in the New Territories

    We don't pay for rent, food, our 4 helpers, gas, car insurance etc., electricity, water, internet etc. etc. The only expense we have is our daughter's diapers, formula, snacks, clothing, let's wrap up by saying our daughter's stuff.
    Although I am working under my mother's company, I really just stay at home and look after my daughter and occasionally help out with paper works and such.
    Husband goes to work Monday to Saturday 9am-6pm and school from 7pm-10pm.


    - I feel because I have all the help available around the house, I became 'lazy' in taking care of my daughter
    - Financially, we can't survive in Hong Kong. Although my parent got my daughter in Victoria education, how can we survive on paying 6K a month when we're only earning 20k?

    Now, we lived and studied in Sydney before 2009 July. I decided to come back to Hong Kong to give birth to my daughter as my family is here to take care of me
    what you said in your initial post is now COMPLETELY different to what you are saying now.....

  3. #35
    carang's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by constancefaith View Post
    Carang, I recently bought an apartment under mortgage in the Gold coast. It is approximately 1000sq, which is plentiful for hubby, me, and baby plus helper.


    I turned 19 when I found out I was pregnant and my mom bought that apartment for us..

    so, did you buy the apartment or did your mum? or are they different apartments?

  4. #36
    carang's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by constancefaith View Post
    I know I am childish for wanting to stay at home and take care of my daughter while getting paid doing very little. It's very hard to leave my daughter... I don't want to miss out on her little things.

    I guess I can get a full time job or part time AND deal with my mom's stuff. I just need to be rational and mature up to stop wanting to stay at home with my daughter.


    But I must say, having a driver and helper does make life a lot easier... and lazier too.

    seems to me that you don't like the situation, but you aren't willing to do very much to change it. life is too easy right now for you and although some independence would be nice...it's far nicer to have people at your beck and call and be able to work when you want for how long you want so that you can take care of your little one.

    EVERY working mother feels pangs of guilt when they go out to work! that's life. you have a child to support, so you do what is necessary.

  5. #37
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    I agree with Shenzhennifer on this. You got pregnant and married so young. Before your parents eyes you are still their little girl. And how can they withdraw their help if you don't earn enough to pay for your baby formula and your husband seems to be quite irresponsible and immature?

    And telling the truth, I don't think moving to Australia would help if your husband does not change his attitute. He is now blaming on you parents for making him lazy. He will find other thing to blame on when thing does not turn the way he want. Think about it. You are short of cash and your husband still think that you are rich and over spend on the damn cellphone? Does he know that he has a family to mantain?
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  6. #38
    thanka2 is offline Registered User
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    Quote Originally Posted by constancefaith View Post
    I'm guessing everyone does agree that Australia is a better place for a child to grow up in then?
    I think it would be impossible to answer this question because:

    1. Many people here have never lived in Australia. I have never even visited Australia although my husband studied there in university and my younger brother lives there and is married to an Australian woman.

    2. "Better place to raise a child"? It all depends on one's priorities. Raising a child in Hong Kong offers benefits that raising a child in Australia can't and vice versa. For example, by raising our son here, he gets more exposure to Hong Kong culture (which is part of his heritage) is able to learn and speak Cantonese, Mandarin and English and gets to develop a relationship with my husband's parents. If we move to another country we would have to give up some of these things. Everything is a bargain in life, I think--you have to decide what is personally important to your family at a certain time.
    “Many women have described their experiences of childbirth as being associated with a
    spiritual uplifting, the power of which they have never previously been aware …
    To such a woman childbirth is a monument of joy within her memory.
    She turns to it in thought to seek again an ecstasy which passed too soon.”

    ~ Grantly Dick-Read (Childbirth Without Fear)

    Mother of Two
    JMW, boy, born November 29, 2007, 9:43 pm, USA
    MJW, girl, born March 17, 2011, 4:14 pm, HK

  7. #39
    carang's Avatar
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    gataloca, the point is he DOESN'T have to "maintain his family"... her parents are doing that for them. $20k is enough to raise a child and live on your own, granted, it's not a huge amount, but it is certainly doable IF you are willing to sacrifice the "good life"... it seems to me that neither of them want to do that. they pay lip-service to "being independent" but are unwilling to make the step. they would rather: spend time with the baby (cannot fault for that, every mum wants that), have the helpers, have the cushy job with the parents (unlikely ever to get fired, even for piss-poor behaviour), have a 10,000' house with driver and gardener etc.

    while i understand that her parents are doing what they think is best, to me, it is a recipe for disaster. the marriage won't last...it's bound to fail in this environment.

  8. #40
    thanka2 is offline Registered User
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    Quote Originally Posted by carang View Post
    gataloca, the point is he DOESN'T have to "maintain his family"... her parents are doing that for them. $20k is enough to raise a child and live on your own, granted, it's not a huge amount, but it is certainly doable IF you are willing to sacrifice the "good life"... it seems to me that neither of them want to do that. they pay lip-service to "being independent" but are unwilling to make the step. they would rather: spend time with the baby (cannot fault for that, every mum wants that), have the helpers, have the cushy job with the parents (unlikely ever to get fired, even for piss-poor behaviour), have a 10,000' house with driver and gardener etc.

    while i understand that her parents are doing what they think is best, to me, it is a recipe for disaster. the marriage won't last...it's bound to fail in this environment.
    As I continue to read the responses to OP, I am more and more convinced of two things.

    1. Most of the responders are essentially saying the same thing (giving similar views or advice)

    2. The OP has an answer for every responder and it all kind of points to the fact that she enjoys talking about the situation but probably isn't ready to make the necessary (difficult) changes to actually see a dramatic improvement/change in her situation.

    This leads me to think that we've all pretty much said enough--it's simply decision time for her and her husband and by choosing to not make a decision they actually choose to continue the same path.

    I hope that everything works out for them.
    “Many women have described their experiences of childbirth as being associated with a
    spiritual uplifting, the power of which they have never previously been aware …
    To such a woman childbirth is a monument of joy within her memory.
    She turns to it in thought to seek again an ecstasy which passed too soon.”

    ~ Grantly Dick-Read (Childbirth Without Fear)

    Mother of Two
    JMW, boy, born November 29, 2007, 9:43 pm, USA
    MJW, girl, born March 17, 2011, 4:14 pm, HK

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