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Desperate for advises and comments from other people!

  1. #57
    constancefaith is offline Registered User
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    Its JUST my mom's face I hold onto****
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  2. #58
    TheQuasimother is offline Registered User
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    ConstanceFaith, I had an ex-colleague just like you. Originally from HK but moved to Europe when she was 7. She returned when she had a daughter with a man who was an absent father. Just thought that I'd tell you what she did to counter the parental economic influence:

    (1) Instead of living with her parents, she rented her own apartment where she returned home to after work each day.
    (2) To save her mother's face, she kept her son at a prestigious brand name school but the fees were foot by her parents. And when the parents nitpicked, she "told them off" by mentioning that she was quite happy to have her son in a no brand school down the road.
    (3) She did not have a helper. She worked full time, really long hours (at the school I work at). When she's at work, the child is at school (full day - 3 years old then) and grandparents/helper (her mum's) would pick the child up after work.

    Was she happy? Mostly? What caused her unhappiness, the times when her mum and dad would pick on her and this made her feel like a loser. But she hung on until she had enough to head back to Europe. During this time, her son carried on in the brand name school and it him no disservice. So, you too could work around it with your current lifestyle in HK.

    (1) Own apartment - your costs
    (2) School - Let them pay for it (to save face - very important value a lot of Westerners cannot understand). As a product of Asian parents, I truly get that.
    (3) Maybe just a helper (which you pay for or not) to get your child in and out of school while the two of you sped up your efforts to that ultimate goal.

    I think as children of Asian parents, the save face factor does interfere with our daily lives and our Western dream/desires/ways. Since having children, I am more aware of how important a role grandparents play in the lives of our children. Apart from us (their parents), they are the only other pair of hands that truly spoil and love our kids (and with a lot more patience). It is their role. In fact, it is their right as Asian parents, some would argue. It is quite the norm. So save them a little face. Let them spoil your kids (as far as their education is concerned) while you wait it out.

    Good Luck!
    “If you want to get to the castle, you’ve got to swim the moat.” Richard Jenkins in Eat Pray Love

  3. #59
    constancefaith is offline Registered User
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    Also, carang. If I was the man, the husband, then what you said in the previous post would make sense.
    But I'm not, am I?
    My husband is going to uni and work but he is definitely not working his arse off because he has already been dismissed by my mother's contractor and now working for another. And for me, our situation is worse because this is my parents!

    I seldom even ask for the helpers, husband sits on couch and asks for a coke from the fridge which is only a few steps away.
    Also, asks helper to change daughter diaper.
    I won't leave out asking the driver to driver ALL THE WAY from NT to north point for school because his lack of time management.

    I don't understand why it seems like you're mad at me?
    Husband wanted me to be a SAHM which I've already told him that we can't afford. But my mom decided to "hire" me to do her accounts (as I've said earlier), data entry, paper works etc. So I had the opportunity to take care of her exclusively.

    Shouldn't I be the one who's angry because my husband is lousy at being the provider?
    I wasn't and didn't intend to "complain" and "moan" about anything.
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  4. #60
    constancefaith is offline Registered User
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    Thank you QM, its good to know that I'm not the only one acting/thinking like that (caring about parents' face).
    It really conflicts with my lifestyle because I was raised in sydney. All the fame/face/connections, I really don't get.

    I will figure something out with school fees.. I won't be able to pull out from that "brand" school now but ill try my best to not have them paying for her education. Just not their responsibility. I feel.

    But thank you. For understanding and I really feel empathized!!
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  5. #61
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    carang is offline Registered User
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    i'm not mad in the least... frustrated.... if you want to change your life, then change it. if you don't, then don't. you really are taking my comments very personally, and i guess i can't blame you. but that is what you open yourself up for when you post half-stories on a public internet forum asking for advice, isn't it? if you want everyone just to say what you like and what you agree with, then maybe a public forum isn't the place...

  6. #62
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    carang is offline Registered User
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    oh, yeah... anyone who is regular on here will tell you that i don't mince words. i say it like i see it and am never afraid to offer my opinion. that doesn't mean you have to agree with it.

  7. #63
    Frenchy is offline Registered User
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    I'm a westerner, so my questions are based on my cultural way to see the things...
    How long do you think you can stay dependent of your parent's money ?... I think that the longer you stay, the harder it will be to take your independance.
    Is it clear with your parents that you could enjoy this situation while you are studying and then you'll leave ?
    Don't you think it puts you in a owing situation ? if you stay longer and go on enjoying the financial situation (whatever your feelings are towards your husband etc... your parents will only take into consideration the fact that you've spent their money), and if suddenly you leave, won't you be the "bad daughter" ?

    Anyway, what you decide now will have an impact on your couple and relations with your parents for many years !

  8. #64
    Obiwan is offline Registered User
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    Hi, I have been following this thread but have not responded (am kinda glad I didn't as more information/clarification emerged).

    CF, dont get worked up. If you have followed Geobaby, you will know that all the people who have responded are caring mothers/women who have bothered to take time to try to understand your situation and provide their feedback or share with their experiences, in a very frank and open manner, whether you like them or not, and whether they have misunderstood you. If it is the latter, it's not because people are judgmental, but that we don't have a full complete picture of the nuances of your life, and hence feedback is only based on what you have provided 'to-date'.

    Patience. I am sure while you are looking for honest advice, perhaps a little part of you were also seeking some empathy (or i may be wrong!) which you aren't getting plenty here. Everyone has a different way of handling things, keep an open ear and an open heart, hear what people have to say and not worked up (and forgive us if we have misunderstood you), and finally come to a decision yourself on what's best for you and your family.

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