Forums  •  Classifieds  •  Events  •  Directory

 
Page 1 of 9 123 ... LastLast

Desperate for advises and comments from other people!

  1. #1
    constancefaith is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    hk
    Posts
    26

    Exclamation Desperate for advises and comments from other people!

    Hi, I would like to firstly thank you in advance for spending your time reading this thread as I am about to describe my family's current situation and it WILL take a while.

    The question is - Should I stay in Hong Kong or move back to Australia (SYDNEY)

    I am 21, my husband is 23 and our daughter is 15months old. We are both still studying in HKU and will not graduate until at least 4-5 years later (He does architecture and I'm studying LAW).
    We are living in one of my parents' house in the New Territories, and my parents visits every day and stays until ten or eleven in the evening.
    My husband and I both works in one of my mother's company and altogether we're only getting $20,000 per month.
    We don't pay for rent, food, our 4 helpers, gas, car insurance etc., electricity, water, internet etc. etc. The only expense we have is our daughter's diapers, formula, snacks, clothing, let's wrap up by saying our daughter's stuff.
    Although I am working under my mother's company, I really just stay at home and look after my daughter and occasionally help out with paper works and such.
    Husband goes to work Monday to Saturday 9am-6pm and school from 7pm-10pm.
    I take care of daughter and goes to school 2 nights a week only.

    Now, obviously you already think there's A LOT of problems but it's really endless
    - Husband and I argue a lot, over money and my family (They get along, but when he doesn't treat my parents the way I want him to, I flip. Especially when he doesn't do the things my parents tell him to do, he says he forgets.)
    - We're living under my parents, and although we're both Australian born Chinese, I still have that strong Asian belief in me which is - the MAN never, ever uses the wives family's money and he's living UNDER them.
    - My mother always spoils our daughter, which is fine at times BUT not all the time
    - I feel because I have all the help available around the house, I became 'lazy' in taking care of my daughter
    - Financially, we can't survive in Hong Kong. Although my parent got my daughter in Victoria education, how can we survive on paying 6K a month when we're only earning 20k?

    Now, we lived and studied in Sydney before 2009 July. I decided to come back to Hong Kong to give birth to my daughter as my family is here to take care of me (His family does not pay a cent for/to us, help out in any sort of way). Initially we were going to leave Hong Kong back to Australia when our daughter turns 3 months old. We stayed until now. And recently we went back to Sydney for a trip, and we LOVED it. Just the three of us, our rules, our time together and doing things OURSELVES.

    I still have an apartment in Sydney, it is a 2bedroom 2bathroom duplex near the city. Husband and I have been talking about moving back, but the only problem (he thinks) is studies. He's not sure he can get into architecture in Sydney and I probably won't be able to continue my law studies if we go back due to no help.
    Financially, we'd be able to apply for government funds which is approximately $200p/w AUD if we're lucky? But husband will have to work full time and study at night again, but much worse because we don't have any help!

    We've concluded that Sydney is a much suited place for our daughter to grow up in, environment, people, lifestyle. But financially, we're not so sure... and I don't feel comfortable leaving my parents here in Hong Kong (They won't move back any time soon).

    Ideally, we move back to Australia. But I would love to hear advises and comments from other people's point of view.

    Thank you SO MUCH again for reading this. We are so stuck, it's been so depressing for the both of us.

    I appreciate all sort of comments. THANK YOU!

  2. #2
    TheQuasimother is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Location
    Hong Kong
    Posts
    515
    You do realise
    (a) how lucky you have it here in HK?
    (b) how expensive Sydney is even if you don't have to pay rent/mortgage?
    (c) it is very hard to look after a bub without a helper, grandparents, etc. and study?

    I don't think your marriage will survive given all that support you are used to in HK! You're only bickering about your husbands' behaviour and this is based on your own personal beliefs (and that is with all the support in the backdrop). Sydney was a holiday. Imagine doing it on your own day in day out. I have friends who are way more settled financially and they find it hard without family support (in Sydney)! You have it really good compared to most. Sounds like you're from a very wealthy family and unless your parents are going to financially support you in the same manner, issues WILL crop up in Sydney between yourself and your spouse.

    Without the same financial support from your family, I'd say give Sydney up for now. Finish your studies then, move back when you're both qualified. Give your misery a little perspective and time. Visit Tin Shui Wai and see how misery really is like. Speak to any young couple there.

    However, if you parents are happy to support you in the same manner, then it's obvious isn't it?
    Last edited by TheQuasimother; 01-20-2011 at 08:28 PM.
    “If you want to get to the castle, you’ve got to swim the moat.” Richard Jenkins in Eat Pray Love

  3. #3
    constancefaith is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    hk
    Posts
    26
    Thank you for your reply QM.
    I do realize I am extremely lucky to have my parents supporting us three, but that is the problem. Husband's ego, self-esteem, whatever, is killing him inside out. He's relying more and more on my family and me to the point he won't even check his own emails and expects me to wake him up every single morning to go to work! He, on average, is late to work at least 2-3 times a week and is late for at least 30mins.

    I feel like our marriage is already going downhill in Hong Kong because we don't have our say, we're not living our life. Husband and I never argued before until we moved to HK to live with my parents.

    I know I may sound pathetic, but I do want to do everything by myself, and learn to be one of those moms who does everything. I know it will be hard without help, but I'm sure other moms get used to it.

    Husband wants to support the family, which I know is extremely hard but our lives are miserable here in Hong Kong. We hate it here so much, we stay at home every day unless we have to go out for dinner with family.

    Your suggestion is ideal too, moving back until we have qualification.. that's not another 4-6 years though!

  4. #4
    TheQuasimother is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Location
    Hong Kong
    Posts
    515
    I came to HK to work and hubby has taken a backseat for the last 4 years. I do understand what it does to a man's ego. I almost lost my marriage but we worked through it after getting A LOT of perspective and found A LOT of right support by surrounding myself with a lot of 'right friends'. And we've been in a good place for a good while and before we know it, we'll be leaving HK! LOL! At least I hope too!

    Could you coax your husband to rise above it all? Ego is just ego. It's not easy for a man to lose his 'manliness' and to be able to support a family is a huge part of that. You need to give A LOT more way and appreciate him for what he can do here based on the circumstances here. Marriage Counseling helps and so does lots of date nights dreaming about the future. How about the two of you try that since you have a lot of help at home? 4 years go by in a blink! Honest! Just try to fill them up with positive experiences.
    “If you want to get to the castle, you’ve got to swim the moat.” Richard Jenkins in Eat Pray Love

  5. #5
    banane76 is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Hong Kong
    Posts
    478
    It sounds like you and your husband would be much happier in Australia. It will be hard work without your family's financial support, but I think it sounds like your lives would be much more balanced in Australia. Your family can come and visit you since it's not too far away.

  6. #6
    carang's Avatar
    carang is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Sep 2004
    Location
    Sai Kung
    Posts
    6,259
    honestly, i don't think you have to go to sydney for your husband to feel "like a man"...between you, you earn $20k/month.... take your child out of the expensive kindergarten (if you want or let your parents continue to pay for it)...move out on your own. you can hire ONE helper based on your wages. find a cheap flat and become your own family.

    if you allowed your parents to pay for your daughter's schooling and you got a helper, you would have about $15k/month. you could find a small flat for about $4k/month, which leaves you $11k/month. if you spend $2K on your daughter's needs and $5K on food, you still have $4k/month left over for phone, utilities etc. it WOULD be tight, but that is what life is supposed to be like when you are 21 years old. you COULD get a "real" job and not "work" for your mother to earn more than that.

    i think part of the problem is that you are both so young. you've never really supported yourselves, right? i'm guessing that your parents bought the place in sydney for you? you will feel so much better about yourselves if you start to take care of yourselves and your daughter.

    i think you should forget about sydney. you were on holiday.... real life is VASTLY different. i would move out on your own here FIRST, so that you have family there to support you BUT only if you are in dire straights. otherwise, you two need to make lives for yourselves and for your family.

  7. #7
    constancefaith is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    hk
    Posts
    26
    QM, I totally get what you're saying. Problem is, hubby hates the locals (he was raised in Sydney). He doesn't have ANY friends at all... neither do I really, close ones that is. We can't make friends in school, at least not the ones you can really call a 'good friend'. Hubby's brother is here in HK too, but he lives in mid-levels and he's not that close to him anymore which kills him too.

    banane, I wish I could guarantee that we will be happy in Australia. I would just go for it... but I am also worried about finance causing us arguing endless as well. I do want more kids but, WHEN is the right time to? I should focus moving back or staying here...

    Carang, I recently bought an apartment under mortgage in the Gold coast. It is approximately 1000sq, which is plentiful for hubby, me, and baby plus helper.
    I would love to 'take my kid out of expensive kindies' but, you see, my family has expectations. I was raised only in private schools and they expect me to do so for my daughter. And, to be honest, Hong Kong does make me feel like I have to "brand" and "label" my daughter to 'FIT IN'. It makes us all more materialistic too!

    We can move to our gold coast apartment, I can start a business with my sister, but by the time hubby graduates uni. Will we still go back then?

    I left home when I was 17, went back to Sydney and went to college. I stopped using my family's money since then, until after we got engaged, I turned 19 when I found out I was pregnant and my mom bought that apartment for us... I feel really, really bad as it is already. I should be taking care of my parents, not the other way around... Anyhow, I get what you mean though.. I never expected my husband to be able to afford a wife and a daughter at the age 23 and study at the same time. I just didn't expect his family to rely on my family for everything.

    I will discuss with hubby and tell them what you have all said, they were good advises. I hope we can conclude what we're going to do next soon because being out-of-control when you're a mom sucks...

  8. #8
    mummymoo is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    Hong Kong
    Posts
    316
    You've fallen into a pattern a great number of local families follow, which is that financially they are very dependent upon their parents for their standard of living and as such suffer more or less from the side effects of this (loss of self esteem, loss of control, slipping into a 'fugue' state) as well as enjoying the benefits of more financial security, an ability to save or spend more than they would if they had to try and make it on their own.
    I have met a number of locals (through my husband) who although enjoy their drivers, helpers, fabulous holidays, hermes bags ect that are not that happy with their lot (some are in their 40s), but I guess happy enough that they don't try and change it. For the wife, if she is being supported by the in-laws, her ability to manage her own home the way she would wish is really controlled by the MIL (I mean Chinese MILs are pretty controlling, from my experience anyway, I can only imagine what it must be like when they are paying for everything other than your own discretionary spending), to the point where the MIL has keys to their home, comes and goes when she pleases to see the grandchildren, spoils at will, is very openly critical of the wife, controls when the family will come to dinner, lunch ect. For situations where the husband is being supported by the family, whether intentionally or not, and I think this may be a cultural thing, they are made to feel small and the ego takes quite a bruising....especially if he is thought to have no prospects. Also they are criticised relentlessly.
    Only you yourself know the situation in your home, whether your parents support is done with a truly good nature or whether they make either you (more tolerable as you are their daughter) or him 'pay' for it. This can eat away at someone over time. There is something to be said for being able to live autonomously, and believe me, even amongst family (especially in this town....yes, I'm pretty cynical) nothing is free. About the feelings you have where he is living under your parents, is it that you feel this or that your parents mention it, or have taught that to you? Also how do you know he doesn't do what your parents ask of him, do they rat on him on a regular basis?
    I mean to be quite frank, I think he is really trying hard to pave the way for your family's future....he works full time, studies at night, is allowing his pride to take a beating....which is, and this is hard to say, more than you are doing. A family is a team, everyone has a role, perhaps you can try and speed things up by studying full time if you are not doing much with your daughter, around the house whilst he does the 'grunt' work of supporting the family. Or else, turn down some of your parent's generosity, so that you get used to looking after your daughter and home within your own means.....it will make you feel stronger and better I think, and you'll feel you'll be able to have more a say in your own home.
    At the end of the day 4-6 years as QM said is not a long time, you just need to bide your time and not allow the pressures to break up your little family especially if you still love your husband and I'm sure you love your child.
    I'm not trying to be harsh on you, just speaking it as I have observed it here. You have a way out but you need to think carefully about what you are trading in and for what.

    PS About the school for your daughter, I had similar situation, not about school but about extra curricular activities, which I felt where too expensive (but which I could easily afford but didn't feel justified the cost) where the in laws were campaigning for, trying to make me feel bad as all the other grandkids were going, they were happy to pay, hinting I may be putting my child at a disadvantage.....well I rebuffed all this, and just organised my daughter to the best of my knowledge and ability, and within my financial constraints, and with my support every night, and she is doing fine, so don't fall into this trap of keeping up with the Jones (and there is a lot of this here!)

Page 1 of 9 123 ... LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. Desperate!!
    By coolgirl in forum Preconception
    Replies: 7
    Last Post: 07-29-2009, 12:49 AM
  2. Need help, feeling desperate
    By jools in forum Preconception
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 06-17-2008, 11:01 AM
  3. Desperate for good helper
    By Paddles in forum Helper Forums
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 06-14-2008, 09:02 AM
  4. Desperate momma
    By annayiu in forum Playgroups
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 11-09-2006, 11:31 PM
  5. Desperate
    By engee in forum Sleep and your Baby
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 05-22-2006, 09:39 AM
Scroll to top