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Help needed...

  1. #9
    satay sue is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Aug 2011

    Agree about the husband! Good for you that he stood up for your family.
    I had the feeding thing going on with my helper too. She is very overweight and gave my 6 year old son the same portion size that she would give us! Then got offended when he didn't eat it all! I've had to tell her several times to use a cereal bowl for his portion of pasta (or whatever he's eating)as that's enough. It seems to have sunk in now, thank goodness. I was a fat kid because my mother over-fed me so maybe I'm a bit paranoid.

  2. #10
    Gracey is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Hong Kong

    I'm having similar issues with our new helper now.
    She was fantastic in the few months before the baby came -- that's because it was just housekeeping, which she's good at.
    But as soon as bub arrived, she got very anxious. It started when she came with my husband to pick me up from the hospital -- I'm not breastfeeding right, the hospital nurses are too rough, they shouldn't have the air con on, the baby needs more clothes, the cot we bought looks unstable, I should really tie my hair up... She's worse than a Chinese MIL!

    We hired her in part because she has baby experience and her own kids. We were so exhausted with caring for an underweight newborn -- and me breastfeeding around the clock -- that we didn't have time to talk to her. My husband had two quick chats with her, saying that we're not like a typical local family and mostly want to care for the child ourselves. She's here for housework, support, and brief moments of looking after the baby -- like when I need to nap, eat, or run out for an errand.

    The Filipinas do seem overly protective of the babies. We keep telling her that it's OK for the baby to kick and stretch and even cry sometimes. But every time we turn our backs, the baby is swaddled tight and in the cot. We tell her that she shouldn't make the baby sleep all day, since that makes the baby awake all night -- but there is some instinct that makes them constantly soothe the baby. (It also makes HER life easier, since she only works days. But it's hell for me, since I'm on the night shift!)

    We haven't been hard on her, since we think she is well intentioned. Plus, we're all new at this, and it will take time to work out an agreement. But it is frustrating to be second-guessed as a mother.

  3. #11
    kacoak is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Mar 2011
    Mid-levels Central
    Quote Originally Posted by Gracey View Post
    But it is frustrating to be second-guessed as a mother.
    Very true! I had the same feeling with my first child. And it was hard when it's your own mother/mil questioning every parenting decision you made.

    I have an Indonesian helper, and she's behaving quite similar to your helper, Gracey, with my second baby. Overprotective of the baby, swaddling her very tightly, always trying to put her to nap even when I told her not to overdo it, etc. Talking only got me so far, so (since I'm a SAHM) I would simply hold the baby when the helper's trying to put her to sleep (and the baby's not sleepy), and tell her to go about doing whatever she needs to do (cooking, cleaning etc). We are getting ready to sleep train the baby in a month's time, which will involve a lot of crying and not picking up. I'll be expecting a lot of resistance, from both helper and baby!

    To the OP, sometimes being firm is the only way to do it, be it with helpers or family. A good helper must understand that she is an employee, and while she may have her own ways of raising children, she must respect and put your ways before hers. Unless it's clearly putting the child in harm's way, she should understand that there are just different ways of parenting. If you don't get this sense from her, perhaps she is not the best caregiver for your child.

  4. #12
    rooj is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Jul 2011

    Hi everyone

    We've decide to terminate our helper's contract. It seems harsh but I'm at work wondering what she's getting up to. I think she's taking her job too seriously and assuming the role of the parent which is really getting to me. I've been firm with her and I've decided not to even give her a warning letter. I'm in the process of finding another helper, one who we interviewed a while back and really liked but at the time was still in a contract and therefore unable to start immediately. I think she will be a good addition to our family. I hope!

    I cannot believe how rude some people can be though (family or not!). I had a lot of resistance form my family as I would wake up my son throughout the day so that he would sleep soundly at night or because I dropped his last feed of the day as he didn't need it anymore... the list goes on and on. It is the most infuriating thing when people honestly thing that you are harming your child or doing things wrong! At the end of the day, everyone can suggest/advise/promote whatever they like, but you are the parent, and only you know what is right. Grrr!

  5. #13
    satay sue is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Aug 2011

    At the end of the day, you go with your instincts. If you are stressing about what is happening at home when you are not there then she is not right for you. Good luck, hope you find someone helpful soon!

  6. #14
    thanka2 is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Quote Originally Posted by mummymoo View Post
    Thanka2, you have to love that husband of yours, not many HK hubbies would do what he has done for you, irrespective of how much their wives were being disrespected and I am speaking from experience!
    I know! He has always gone to bat for me and that was possibly one of the hardest things he had ever faced concerning his parents in his life. He always tells me his priorities are 1) God 2) me 3) his children 4) his parents and extended family 5) friends . I'll tell him that you made a positive comment--that will encourage him. :) Thanks. :)
    “Many women have described their experiences of childbirth as being associated with a
    spiritual uplifting, the power of which they have never previously been aware …
    To such a woman childbirth is a monument of joy within her memory.
    She turns to it in thought to seek again an ecstasy which passed too soon.”

    ~ Grantly Dick-Read (Childbirth Without Fear)

    Mother of Two
    JMW, boy, born November 29, 2007, 9:43 pm, USA
    MJW, girl, born March 17, 2011, 4:14 pm, HK

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