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Mental problem / child abuse

  1. #17
    sparkeye is offline Registered User
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    Both us will use cane when she does not listen to us especially we will use the same way to make her stop crying. I'm referring to my 3 years old girl. This could the same reason why she cry every night while she was sleeping In The middle of the night.

    Please advise how to handle this

  2. #18
    howardcoombs is offline Registered User
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    Quote Originally Posted by sparkeye View Post
    Both us will use cane when she does not listen to us....Please advise how to handle this
    1) Stop caning the child
    2) Since mental health issues seem to be prevalent in your family, contact social services for best advice and direction:
    http://www.hkspc.org
    3) If you have difficulty with 1&2 please send me a PM with your name and address - I'd be happy to get the right government departments involved to help you thru this difficult situation.

  3. #19
    Newbie_hk is offline Registered User
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    I agree with Howard. Stop the caning NOW.It is a form of physical punishment (hitting) that has detrimental effects. There are more effective ways to make your child stop crying than hitting.

    Here is a link that shows why kids have tantrums & more importantly,
    "stop the crying" techniques.

    http://www.becomingtheparent.com/sub...uestion18.html

    Please seek immediate help from the links indicated by other posters above. T

  4. #20
    lesliefu is offline Registered User
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    For one I would stop using the cane...then I would give more positive experiences for your child so she can slowly erase the bad experiences from her mind and start to sleep better. Perhaps you might co-sleep with her so that she feels safe and sleep better at night time.

    I have a 3GS old too...and yes, there are times when things get hard..especially when she starts crying non stop...my girl did that numerous times today! Annoying! What I did was just take her to quiet spot to let her calm down...she would cry for 2-3mins and then when she is starting to calm down, I talk to her calmly and ask her what she wants...if she cannot express, them I ask her specific questions such as "do you want to eat bread?" etc so she can respond. Sometimes when kids cannot express what they want they will become desperate and act badly because you don't understand them.

    You need to be patient and listen to your child. Even if they Are bad you need to try to understand why they bad...hitting will make them hurt and that will lead to more crying, a vicious circle...nit what you want. Step back if you are about to hit and then on,y return when you are calm down. I am sure if you ask, people here will give you many ideas of what they do when their kids are bad...some of which you might find useful.

  5. #21
    thanka2 is offline Registered User
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    I think you really need extra support. It's hard to be a parent. It does take skills. It's really great that you can see that you may need more or better skills than you have right now. There are ways to learn these skills and people who can help. In the meantime, I think you need someone to come in and help you. Often we lose our tempers and resort to drastic punishments when we feel helpless or out-of-control. Do you have a helper or someone who can take care of the children for short periods of times when you're feeling stressed? I suggest that you contact all of the links that are mentioned in this thread and explain, in detail, your story--be honest about you and your husband's problems and ask for what resources and help they can offer. I'm sure you can find great professional counseling as well as parenting classes/techniques and even support to help relieve some of the stress. But, I want to really say that you're doing the right thing by reaching out for help and recognizing your parenting mistakes. If you keep working on this, you'll find better ways to parent your children and that will make their lives healthier and make you also happier and more confident as a parent.
    “Many women have described their experiences of childbirth as being associated with a
    spiritual uplifting, the power of which they have never previously been aware …
    To such a woman childbirth is a monument of joy within her memory.
    She turns to it in thought to seek again an ecstasy which passed too soon.”

    ~ Grantly Dick-Read (Childbirth Without Fear)

    Mother of Two
    JMW, boy, born November 29, 2007, 9:43 pm, USA
    MJW, girl, born March 17, 2011, 4:14 pm, HK

  6. #22
    Gracey is offline Registered User
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    While you can debate whether yelling / hitting furniture is abuse, caning a 3-year-old is definitely abuse. If you are caning her, and your husband is caning her, then you are both abusing her. If your husband is engaging in even more "rough" treatment (rougher than caning?) I don't want to think what this little girl is going through.

    Stop the abuse immediately. It does no good, and a 3-year-old doesn't understand anyway. All she knows is pain and terror, which is why she's waking up with nightmares. You would, too, if someone was beating you for no reason that you could comprehend.

    Seek help and be honest about the fact that you are caning your child. If you feel you cannot stop the abuse, find a helper or Social Services or someone to intervene -- you might just need a break from your child. The above posters have been super helpful in giving you links.

    While it's not always easy, remember that you are supposed to enjoy your child. Some Asian families think of children simply as things they need to discipline or problems that need to be solved. Don't forget to smile at her, play with her, soothe her when she's upset. Remember that she's still very small and not in control of herself -- they can't help but to cry and "be bad" sometimes.

    Good luck. I'm not trying to be hard on your, but the caning must stop.

    As for inherited family mental problems -- well, I wouldn't worry about something that may or may not happen 20 years from now. There are people with mental problems in my family, and their kids are totally fine. It sounds like you have a more immediate problem you need to solve -- which is your own and your husband's behavior.
    satay sue, howardcoombs and elle like this.

  7. #23
    erina320's Avatar
    erina320 is offline Registered User
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gracey View Post
    While you can debate whether yelling / hitting furniture is abuse, caning a 3-year-old is definitely abuse. If you are caning her, and your husband is caning her, then you are both abusing her. If your husband is engaging in even more "rough" treatment (rougher than caning?) I don't want to think what this little girl is going through.
    I second this!

    Quote Originally Posted by Gracey View Post
    9Remember that she's still very small and not in control of herself -- they can't help but to cry and "be bad" sometimes.
    Again I agree with Gracey here. How can you expect a 3 year old to be in control of her emotions/ fear/ behavior when you and your husband are yourselves not in control?

    Quote Originally Posted by Gracey View Post
    ... the caning must stop.
    Cannot emphasizes this more!! It's frightening and appalling that this little girl is being subjected to this sort of punishment by her parents!
    satay sue likes this.

  8. #24
    TheQuasimother is offline Registered User
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    If you use the cane as a threatening tool, it isn't child abuse.
    In fact, if you cane her without leaving a mark, it still isn't child abuse.
    It is when it leaves a mark that it constitutes child abuse.

    The Social Welfare department would probably advise you the same. As culturally, it is a very common device used to discipline children in this part of the world. This is what I've been told as we do get kids at school who have been caned by their parents.

    It's double standards for you to use the cane on your child and not allow your husband to yell at her and bang on the table AND call it abuse! To most of us, what you've done is abuse too. So technically, if you report him, you should turn yourself in.

    Perhaps, try another method together? At least one of you should be the 'good gentle person'. She's so afraid of the both of you it seems, NOT just one.
    “If you want to get to the castle, you’ve got to swim the moat.” Richard Jenkins in Eat Pray Love

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