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Mental problem / child abuse

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    sparkeye is offline Registered User
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    Mental problem / child abuse

    Hi , I'm a mother of 2 child( 3 and 1 year old) recently( past few months) I noticed their father is behaving too rough to them especially on my elder child. He will shout and bang on anything just to make them stop crying.
    She start to cry most of the nights in the middle of sleep of which I think she was dreaming.

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    sparkeye is offline Registered User
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    His family has background having mental issue. His mom is on long term medication and his sister just admitted due to depression.
    My question is should I report this as child abuse and where is the best way I should be doing this.
    I live my child and I do not want them to inherit this. Please help as I do not have family here in hkg.

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    sparkeye is offline Registered User
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    Sorry I mean to say I love my child

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    thanka2 is offline Registered User
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    When you say "their father", do you mean your husband/partner? Are you still together with the father of these children? If you two are already separated, there may be some way you can limit the time he spends with them or make sure they're always supervised. Otherwise, if you're still together and he has custody of the children then you may need to seek legal advice on this matter. Does he recognize/admit that his family has a history of mental illness? Has he been screened or diagnosed with mental illness himself? Is he open to seeing a therapist/doctor? There are a lot of questions to think about. What is the nature of his behavior toward the children? You said he yells at them and hits things--has he ever physically hurt them (shake them, hit them etc.)?

    If you feel threatened or feel that your children are not safe you need to take this matter seriously. You can contact this department. Be careful and do so secretly because this is safest for you and your children. For free legal (lawyer) help you can contact this department in your area.

    Be careful.
    “Many women have described their experiences of childbirth as being associated with a
    spiritual uplifting, the power of which they have never previously been aware …
    To such a woman childbirth is a monument of joy within her memory.
    She turns to it in thought to seek again an ecstasy which passed too soon.”

    ~ Grantly Dick-Read (Childbirth Without Fear)

    Mother of Two
    JMW, boy, born November 29, 2007, 9:43 pm, USA
    MJW, girl, born March 17, 2011, 4:14 pm, HK

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    carang is offline Registered User
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    your post merely says he "bangs on anything" and shouts.... that is not child abuse. of course, this depends on what he is shouting... and what he is banging on...

    you say nothing about what he is saying when he shouts (could be emotional abuse) or what he is banging. if he bangs on a table... that is not child abuse. if he bangs on the child... that could be child abuse.

    you really need to share more details. also, knowing how old your children are might help.

  6. #6
    carang's Avatar
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    as for inheriting mental illness... inheriting something means you are born with it... in which case, your children will have already inherited it (if it is something that can be passed down).

    if you don't want your children to learn this behaviour, then the only way for them not to learn it is to remove them from the situation.

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    Gracey is offline Registered User
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    Even if he is "just" banging on furniture, it could still be abuse. There is such a thing as emotional or verbal abuse. As the children are only 1 and 3 years old, deliberately and repeatedly screaming at them, making violent motions (like hitting or throwing furniture), etc., can do as much harm as a spanking. I once saw a Chinese father swing a fist at a small child, then at the last minute swerve to hit the wall behind the child. No, he didn't actually beat the child, but it was enough to cause terror.

    Sparkeye -- If you are concerned about abuse, I would trust your maternal instincts. Whether or not it is technically abuse, screaming and banging on things is the WORST way to get a child to stop crying. If anything, it causes even more crying. If the child is having nightmare, it will result in more crying at night.

    I don't know how messed up this father is. If he is reasonable and well-intentioned, maybe sit down and talk to him, explaining that yelling and screaming does more harm than good.

    Some dads just don't know how to deal with small children. Even my husband, who is absolutely wonderful, lost his temper once during a particularly bad crying spell when our baby was a newborn. (This is not an exact comparison, as he is not abusive at all). But it's sometimes hard for guys to stay calm and quiet when they are aggitated, even if they don't have ill will.

    I also know another guy -- a loving father -- who couldn't cope that his 1-year-old suddenly started waking up at night. He believed in some Chinese superstition that she was "haunted by spirits" and wanted to "beat it out of her." Thankfully, his wife intervened.

    I don't think you should worry about long-term inherited mental problems. That's a long way away. What's important is that you keep your children safe and free from terror right now. One and 3 are too little to be treated that way.

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    carang's Avatar
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    gracey, i was physically and emotionally abused as a child. i do not need to be told what constitutes abuse.

    as the children are so young, i agree that he seems a little over the top. she never said he was throwing furniture. she said he banged on something. that could simply mean that the kids are making so much noise the only way to be heard is to bang/make a loud sound (like whistle) in order to get their attention.

    i also have a daughter who sleep walks/talks and has night terrors on a regular basis. sometimes i have to bang on something in order to wake her up. and, yes, it does often cause more crying. but that is because she is suddenly woken up and doesn't know why her teddy is in the toilet and she is crying her eyes out... HOWEVER, once she is awake, i can then comfort her. when she is asleep and crying (you can't tell unless you've experienced it... her eyes are wide open and you would think she is awake) it is impossible to comfort her at all.

    to say that he bangs on something and equate it with child abuse, i think is a huge disservice to those who truly suffer from child abuse.

    *** please do not think i am saying he is not abusing his child. what i am saying is that unless we are there and can see exactly what is happening, it is unfair to call this behaviour abusive.***

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