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Safe to leave with helper?

  1. #17
    howardcoombs is offline Registered User
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    Quote Originally Posted by mummymoo View Post
    ...but I do think that leaving a 6 monther with a helper who has only been with the household 2 months a thoroughly silly idea.
    If you had to choose between:
    a) an experienced woman who has raised children, been thru scrapes and problems and difficulties and brought them into adulthood
    or
    b) a brand new mother who has only 6 months experience
    Who would you choose to look after a 6 month old baby?

    No, I have not forgotten how demanding infants are at 6 months.
    I also have not forgotten how clueless I and my wife were with our first 6 month old and how helpful our helper was, the helper who had already raised 3 kids while we, the clueless parents didnt know how to handle many situations.

    What is silly is too be dismissive of a person who has experience and instead to suggest that a natural mother is the only one capable of looking after a baby.
    If you dont trust your helper, you dont feel comfortable, etc etc etc -- thats perfectly fine and there is no way I can argue against that; your child, your comfort level and your rules....But to contemplate and consider leaving a child with a perfectly capable adult is not silly at all.

  2. #18
    mummymoo is offline Registered User
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    HowardCoombs if both people were unrelated to the child I would choose the mother of three with experience. If option B refers to the mother of the child - then I would say irrespective of experience the great majority of mothers are in the better position to look after their little one (with support from family, helpers, educational resources) than an unrelated woman with tonnes of experience especially when the going gets tough! I guess in your opinion you would say that your helper was in a better position to care for your first born than your wife and you would choose the helper over your inexperienced wife to look after him or her - I mean, seriously, each to their own, but I find that a little strange.

    Moreover, many helpers have had children but have little experience raising them as they are over here (sadly) raising our babies.

    I have never suggested that a natural mother is the only one capable of looking after a baby -there are plenty of adoptive mothers, foster mother, grand parents who do a fine job, what I have said is that leaving a 6 month old with a helper you have know for 2 months for a week or two on her own is silly. It's unfair to the helper and baby. Even when my children were younger I could not go a whole week all alone without another soul to help. At times, I would almost leap onto my husband at the end of his work day because I'd had a bad day with bubs (because I was so relieved he was there to give me a break and this is AFTER ONE DAY), OP helper would not have this luxury and likely the baby would suffer as a consequence.

    But to contemplate and consider leaving a child with a perfectly capable adult is not silly at all
    True, we both agree on this point as do the majority of posters here. What the majority are comfortable with is leaving a young infant for a few hours, a day, day or two with a capable adult, but in your world, a week or two, or perhaps more with a "capable" stranger is completely au fait. But again, each to their own.

  3. #19
    howardcoombs is offline Registered User
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    I guess in your opinion you would say that your helper was in a better position to care for your first born than your wife and you would choose the helper over your inexperienced wife to look after him or her - I mean, seriously, each to their own, but I find that a little strange.
    Your guess is incorrect. What I was attempting to convey was that the mother is not necessarily and always the most qualified to look after a child, there are plenty of other alternatives around. When faced with a decision to leave a baby with a qualified adult, it should be given due consideration and not dismissed out of hand.

    But to contemplate and consider leaving a child with a perfectly capable adult is not silly at all
    Thank you, that was the point I was trying to make. Some are suggesting and implying that this is somehow a crazy idea. I'm suggesting that its not crazy nor silly and should be given due consideration.
    True, we both agree on this point as do the majority of posters here. What the majority are comfortable with is leaving a young infant for a few hours, a day, day or two with a capable adult, but in your world, a week or two, or perhaps more with a "capable" stranger is completely au fait. But again, each to their own.
    We agree 100% except for the "stranger" part. A helper who has been carefully chosen and been observed in our household for 2 months is not a stranger to me.

    Now there is this other thought that has been put forward by another poster:
    feelings of abandonment that may come up if you take off and leave your little one for an extended period of time. Children are super sensitive and something like that could likely affect him/her for the rest of his/her life
    I still haven't been able to find anything online to substantiate this. I would love to hear other people's thoughts on this assertion. Personally, I think its pure bunk.

  4. #20
    Gracey is offline Registered User
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    Howard.
    In that case, I'd always choose the mother. New parents know more than they think they do -- it's an instinct. Plus, there's no love like a parent's love. That's not to put down helpers, who are great.
    But I think you're being dismissive of "a brand new mother who has only 6 months experience." It's the "only" that does it for me. You learn alot in those 6 months.
    In most countries, those "brand new mothers" are the ones who single-handed care for their babies without helpers, and they do fine. This is what all of my friends in the US or Europe do.

    I'm pretty relaxed and I leave my infant at home with the helper all day when I'm at work. But I would not leave her with a helper -- no matter how nice or how trustworthy -- for 24-hour care, for an extended period, with no parents even in town to call, unless there was an emergency. A family tragedy or crisis is an emergency.
    "I haven't had an alone vacation with hubby for a while" is not an emergency. Nor is "I don't want my baby to get jet lag." Or "I don't want to bother finding a babysitter when we go for dinner."
    Like many people said above, it all changes when you become a parent. Because of a difficult pregnancy, I didn't leave HK for a vacation from Oct 2010 to just now -- longer than I've ever gone. But that's just life.

    Plus, I think it's unfair to the helper. That's alot of work.
    We treat our helper basically like a nanny who helps us out. Ultimately, we're the parents and we do alot of the parenting heavy-lifting ourselves.
    If we go anywhere, baby comes with us if at all possible.
    If one of us has to go alone -- say, for business - the other will try to stay behind with the child.
    shwetakhanna likes this.

  5. #21
    howardcoombs is offline Registered User
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gracey View Post
    But I think you're being dismissive of "a brand new mother who has only 6 months experience." It's the "only" that does it for me. You learn alot in those 6 months.
    I'm not trying to be dismissive but rather being inclusive by pointing out that there are others besides the mother who are perfectly capable of taking care of the child.
    In most countries, those "brand new mothers" are the ones who single-handed care for their babies without helpers, and they do fine. This is what all of my friends in the US or Europe do.
    You need to look a bit closer to your friends in US and Europe. Vast majority certainly do not care for their babies single handedly. Sure, they dont have "helpers" but they have friends, neighbors, parents, grandparents; whole series of people who form support network. For a many of us in Hong Kong, that support just doesnt exist and we rely on our helpers.

    Some of us choose to rely on them more than others; that's a personal decision one makes depending on their circumstances; It is not silly.

  6. #22
    JoyousBaby is offline Registered User
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    If talk about instinct, I do trust this helper. But again I've decided not to go cos I know its too long a trip and I definitely will miss my baby. I hate that feeling. Sorry guys I've posted such silly stuff and can see the debate going on. I can understand what Howard trying to say cos is exactly how n what my husband think too.

    And as for mothers out there we just can't really leave our little ones for too long, we will definitely be worried and hence won't enjoy the trip too.
    Back to this helper, she is my 2nd one. 1st one totally ignorant, untidy with work, poor hygiene simply lazy. The moment I have this current one, after a week I trusted her and left my baby with her, both my hubby and I went movie as well as a great dinner. When I came home baby was already in bed. She was the one that actually help to get my gal into routine, nap, feeding...sleeping patterns all fixed.

    She is a middle age lady and very experienced. Taught me a lot of things. I am lucky to have her and she volunteered to look after baby for that 2 weeks and don't mind staying with relatives while we are away. I'm the one refused to have the relatives involved cos THEY simply cant handle my baby. There were many incidents that make me so afraid to have them carry or feed my baby. Once cuz sis try giving baby water and my baby got choked, lips turned blue..she didn't even notice cos she was trying to burp her while poor bb struggling to breathe! Once another cousin carried her but didn't she the door and bump my baby head against it.. Told my husband I can't tolerate all these stupid act from his relatives. Oh and take pic of my baby with FLASH!!!!!! With my baby looking at the phone cam, I almost killed them!...

  7. #23
    matemate is offline Registered User
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    I think the title of this thread is really not wisely chosen.

    It should either be "safe to leave baby behind for an overseas trip" or "skills needed to look after a baby". these are essentially the two issues at hand.

    For the first point, we spent our first hubby-mommy weekend away alone when our baby was 9 months old. he did express very clear 'missing' emotions after 3 days, which i would not dismiss and hence i think that situation was not ideal. my rule of thumb now is max 1 day away up to 6 months, 2 days up to 12 months and 1 week from 18 months onwards.
    and howard, i don't have any scientific proof of the emotional issues that the baby might have (and it won't scar him for life anyway). my observation for my own baby guides me here.

    the second issue is around who would look after the baby when hubby-mommy are away. clearly our helper is by far the best qualified person. if you have a helper that you trust, then i would venture to say that she is the best to take care in your absence 9 out of 10 times. relatives is simply a second best option if you do not have a helper that you trust - but then why one would employ such a helper is beyond me.

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