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Too attached to helper

  1. #9
    starbucks2 is offline Registered User
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    I agree with the above. If your helper lives in, perhaps you could try the approach of elle above and your helper can say "mummy's home now, night night" when you come home and can disappear to her room or the kitchen for a bit so you can have your daughter all to yourself. It may take some time but she will learn to realise that it is a "tag team" arrangement, your helper is there for her when you are at work and you tag in and take over when you get home.

    I can totally understand the heartbreak. I'd feel the same with either of mine as well. I work part time (and am lucky to be able to in my job) so it is less of an issue for us plus my husband is home some of the days during the week so the kids are not often on their own with our helper for long stretches. Even with part time, I still get the Mummy guilt!

  2. #10
    Gemma is offline Registered User
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    She will learn eventually. It sounds like you are trying really hard.

    Being a working mum is very tough, I think more emotionally than physically you know. At 10 months, when I was holding my son and saying goodbye at the door as I left for work, for the first time he reached out wanting to be held by the helper.

    I was in tears all day.
    My heart just broke
    recurring likes this.

  3. #11
    thanka2 is offline Registered User
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    Quote Originally Posted by mayami View Post
    We are fulltime working parents and try to catch up with our 14 months old daughter in the morning before work or at night if she is awake

    My daughter is so attached to the helper that she refuses to come to us and cries till she goes red until the helper does not hold her. This use to happen quite often when she was around 11 months old. My mom was here and all this stopped. Now my mom has gone back and the whole thing starts again especially at night

    Practically when I think about it I take it positively, my helper takes utmost care of my daughter and she finds her comforting and soothing
    But when I think with my heart, mum inside me is totally shattered. I feel the guilt building inside me, my mind takes a roller coaster ride and various thoughts come to my mind and doubt if I m doing enuf?

    Has anyone faced similar thing? How did you deal with it? How long did it take for your Lo to understand? Am I missing something out here, some piece of advise?
    It's not an easy situation. The truth is that your daughter is doing what is perfectly normal--she is bonding with her primary care-giver and that happens to be your helper. When your mom was around your mom was spending a lot of time with her too and she bonded with your mom. That shows that your daughter will bond easier with people who spend large amounts of quality time with her and care for her. This gives you hope--there is nothing really "special" about your helper--she just reaps the rewards of extra attention and bonding because she is there to put in the hours of "face-time" with your daughter. This is just how it goes.

    At 14-months-old, "catching up" in the mornings or at night "if she's awake" probably won't be enough to "make her understand" that you care about her. The only way to do it is to put in the time. Children are wired and designed to bond with the people they spend most time with--not just the people they are biologically related to. That's how I see it. It doesn't mean you're less important but she is closer with your helper simply because of the time invested. This is where we all have to make hard choices in life and hope that things will turn out okay--sometimes it really is impossible to "have it all" without one area having to suffer some or a lot. It could be a phase but it's too early to say, I think.

    But, my daughter is now 15-months-old and doesn't have this issue even though I'm working full-time. But, I don't work until super late at night and she sees me during my lunchbreaks every day and I am with her all day on Saturday and Sunday. It's also individual to the child. I'm also still breastfeeding her several times/day and I credit this for increasing our bond.
    “Many women have described their experiences of childbirth as being associated with a
    spiritual uplifting, the power of which they have never previously been aware …
    To such a woman childbirth is a monument of joy within her memory.
    She turns to it in thought to seek again an ecstasy which passed too soon.”

    ~ Grantly Dick-Read (Childbirth Without Fear)

    Mother of Two
    JMW, boy, born November 29, 2007, 9:43 pm, USA
    MJW, girl, born March 17, 2011, 4:14 pm, HK

  4. #12
    mayami is offline Registered User
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    A big thank you to all. All your valuable advice put in to action worked. I definitely see a change in my Lo. Thanks once again

  5. #13
    Gemma is offline Registered User
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    That's really nice to know! They grow up so quickly, don't they? Enjoy!!

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