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Too attached to helper

  1. #1
    mayami is offline Registered User
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    Too attached to helper

    We are fulltime working parents and try to catch up with our 14 months old daughter in the morning before work or at night if she is awake

    My daughter is so attached to the helper that she refuses to come to us and cries till she goes red until the helper does not hold her. This use to happen quite often when she was around 11 months old. My mom was here and all this stopped. Now my mom has gone back and the whole thing starts again especially at night

    Practically when I think about it I take it positively, my helper takes utmost care of my daughter and she finds her comforting and soothing
    But when I think with my heart, mum inside me is totally shattered. I feel the guilt building inside me, my mind takes a roller coaster ride and various thoughts come to my mind and doubt if I m doing enuf?

    Has anyone faced similar thing? How did you deal with it? How long did it take for your Lo to understand? Am I missing something out here, some piece of advise?

  2. #2
    Gemma is offline Registered User
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    That's a really hard one. I had to give up full time job and work part time because I was worried about the same thing.

    When you say catching up, what exactly do you mean? If working part time is not an option for you then I'd advise that when you are with her, you have to do EVERYTHING.

    Helper should be completely hands off during this time, including weekends. Don't have her feed breakfast, change diaperetc and at night try to be the one who comforts her. Initially you may need to do this w helper around you if she is really upset, but with a gradual transition hopefully she will grow less attached.
    She will grow to know that when you are around you are the one who will be looking after her.

    It is very hard, ESP after a hard days work, but I believe with persistence it's doable.

  3. #3
    elle is offline Registered User
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gemma View Post
    When you say catching up, what exactly do you mean? If working part time is not an option for you then I'd advise that when you are with her, you have to do EVERYTHING.

    Helper should be completely hands off during this time, including weekends. Don't have her feed breakfast, change diaperetc and at night try to be the one who comforts her. Initially you may need to do this w helper around you if she is really upset, but with a gradual transition hopefully she will grow less attached.
    She will grow to know that when you are around you are the one who will be looking after her.

    It is very hard, ESP after a hard days work, but I believe with persistence it's doable.
    This is exactly how we handle it. Our nanny leaves right after I come home from work. She says "mommy's home, see you tomorrow", to our toddler, finishes what she is doing and leaves. I always get up with our child at night and in the morning (which is early). I do not have our nanny or domestic helper around on evenings or weekends, except for the occasional babysitting in the evening after the kid has gone to bed.

  4. #4
    smglobal is offline Registered User
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    some more info would also be helpful - what is your daughter like on weekends when you spend time together without the helper? when you say you spend time in the mornings and some evenings, what is that time like? I was thinking for example that if you come home from work and it's close to her bedtime, and you interrupt the routine to play with her instead of you yourself taking over the routine (bathing, putting to bed, etc), she might be overtired and get upset for that reason. I know from experience - I have kept up our daughter before so my husband could see her before bed, but it backfires because she gets overtired and when he gets back he's still decompressing from work so still checking blackberry, etc, and acting distracted.

  5. #5
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    carang is offline Registered User
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    it's a phase and it will pass.

    a child doesn't have a limited capacity heart, they can love, and do love more than just their parents, if allowed. they are not like adults (who tend to "ration" their love to their immediate family and closest friends).

    while i can understand your heartache, personally, i would be ecstatic if my kids had the same or a similar bond with our current helper. it would mean that i could trust her alone with my kids for more than a couple of hours at a time.

    good luck!

  6. #6
    Portia is offline Registered User
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    I was going to say the same thing as Cara - it is a phase and it will pass. My second child prefers my helper to me and I am happy that he loves her so much because I am often out with my eldest, eg taking him to school or activities. But I know that it is easier for me because he is not my first child - I too would have been upset if it happened with my first!
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  7. #7
    mayami is offline Registered User
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    Thanks Gemma , Elle, smglobal n carang for replying
    She sleeps with us so that moring I can cuddle, pamper her, followed by reading a board book, sing 1-2 nursery rhymes, play peekaboo the whole thing takes approx 20 - 25 mins. I then need to rush to work
    Evenings I try to come early but the earliest is around 7.30-8. Come and play with her. She is active till 9 after which all she wants is to be with helper and sleep by 9.30.
    I try putting her off to sleep but she keeps peeping from the door crying for the helper. Have noticed when she is too tired n sleepy does more. This happens atleast 3 times a week. On sun it's me all the time and no issue there. It's just when she sees the helper the whole thing starts

  8. #8
    mayami is offline Registered User
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    I will consciously takeover the tasks from my helper ESP once i m back from work and on sats. Hope this phase passes off soon.

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