Forums  •  Classifieds  •  Events  •  Directory

 
Page 4 of 4 FirstFirst ... 234
Like Tree40Likes

Helper now what to do :-(

  1. #25
    Gemma is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Aug 2009
    Location
    Hong Kong
    Posts
    136
    Look, I think the only thing you can do to gauge what her plans might be is to be upfront with her and talk to her about it.

    If she says she has no plans to find another job you can either:

    I) choose to believe her and stay put
    II) choose not to believe her, fire her and interview for another helper What reason you give to terminate someone who is otherwise doing a good job is a completely different question, logistically and ethically.

    I don't think there is a win win situation. You will always wonder whether an employee will want to find some other job, husband or not. I understand this is an anxious time for you but really, I dont think there is much you can do about it and the more you stress about it, the worse you will feel.

    Like I said, be honest with her, tell her your concerns and more often than not, you will find that when you open up and be frank about your feelings and anxieties, this too will be reciprocated.
    elle and carang like this.

  2. #26
    Gracey is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Hong Kong
    Posts
    534
    Gemma is right. Instead of driving yourself crazy with worry and posting tons of messages to online strangers, why don't you just ask her? She's a human being after all.
    Say "We've got two kids and I'm expecting a third. And I'd like to know if you want to stay with us in the long term. If you have plans to leave, please let me know so I can find a backup plan."
    Very likely, she'll say she wants to stay, and all of this worry is a figment of your imagination.

    BUT if she wants to find another job, or spend time with her husband, or whatever, that is her right. She's not an indentured servant. She is not bound to you for life just because you're pregnant.

    And I still think you're making excuses. When you say you can't "prevent her from looking for other work even if you cut her day off" --- well, it's her right to look for other work if she wants.
    elle and carang like this.

  3. #27
    elle is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Location
    hk south side
    Posts
    386
    Quote Originally Posted by rs2000 View Post
    ok people, before you bash me more for this

    I am expecting and its too early right now. and thats why I did not mention it before. I thought it was not relevant

    and when I said I cant afford, its because I have a lot of nausea (bad one)
    We are paying her well above minimum and she has not asked for a night-out, I may give it to her (hoping I feel better in a few weeks)

    But again, this is not the point that I asked. Will givign a day off stop her for looking around or seeking part time emplyment? I dont think so
    I am pregnant and worried and I think I need to start looking for my backup options.......
    Congratulations on expecting.

    But again, bad nausea is not an excuse to BREAK THE LAW. Giving her a day off may not prevent her from ultimately resigning in the future, but it will protect YOU from labour claims. It is also the right, moral and legal thing to do. She doesn't need to ask for the time off, you simply MUST give it to her, which includes YOU making it clear to her that she is free to go and do anything that she pleases during the 24 hour period. I volunteer with a helper's organisation here in HK and one of the most common, and often successful, labour tribunal complaints brought by helpers is that their employers do not give them their legal time off due. It is an easy claim to bring and easy to win, which can cost you a lot of money in compensation, fines and can prevent you from hiring a FDH for a number of years. We aren't trying to be mean or upsetting, quite the opposite, you are exposing yourself to a large liability.

    Women around the world deal with nausea and many worse pregnancy complications without even part time help. In the US where I come from there is no such thing as a domestic helper, except for the very, very wealthy (I don't know anyone who has had full time household help in the US). Women, including working women with other children, just get on with it, even when they have difficult pregnancies as they need to. The situation is obviously much worse for women in developing countries, who often still perform difficult labour for long hours throughout their pregnancies, complications or not.

    If seems like you are fretting about a lot of "what if my helper does this" type things and you should probably just talk to your helper about her future plans, instead of just guessing and worrying, although she has no legal obligation to share them with you. If you express your concerns regarding her leaving you in a pinch to her then she will be more likely to keep you up to date on her plans.

    It also seems like you are making a pretty big deal out of a little thing. Employees all over the place in every profession move around all the time. CEOs of huge companies leave and are replaced and life goes on. Hiring a new FDH takes a month or so, not that big of a deal. A few interviews, a bit of time, and its done. Perhaps you should focus on some of the positives, like you are one of the VERY SMALL percentage of women in the world, including in develped countries, who have full time live-in help at all.
    carang, genkimom and z754103 like this.

  4. #28
    Gracey is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Location
    Hong Kong
    Posts
    534
    You know what? It isn't relevant. Early pregnancy and nausea is awful. But it's not your helper's fault you're feeling poorly or decided to have another child. The law doesn't change because you have morning sickness.

    Why have you worked yourself into such a frenzy just because someone has a husband? Many wives work various jobs and do perfectly fine.

    Could you imagine if a male boss fired his young secretary just because she got married and would be "distracted?" That's sexism right out of the 1950s. Essentially you're saying you'd do the same thing to another woman.

    I can't imagine the extra stress you're putting on yourself is good for your pregnancy either. It seems pretty simple:

    If you want her to continue, talk to her straight about wanting her to stay long-term -- and treat her better! Give her an incentive to stay, like personal time with her loved ones.

    Or, if you really want to gave someone working 24-hours a day, 7-days a week, with only really a half-day off and no nights off at all -- then hire someone else. Or, if you really can't handle being a mom, get two helpers, or hire a nanny on Sundays.
    carang, genkimom and z754103 like this.

  5. #29
    rs2000 is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    Hong Kong
    Posts
    184
    its not that I am going to fire her due to her personal life

    i was just worried and tense...may be its due to the hormones...i dont know
    trying to get over it and will talk to her too

  6. #30
    thanka2 is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    May 2009
    Location
    HK
    Posts
    1,623
    Quote Originally Posted by rs2000 View Post
    its not that I am going to fire her due to her personal life

    i was just worried and tense...may be its due to the hormones...i dont know
    trying to get over it and will talk to her too
    Hmmmm, it's understandable to be "worried and tense" due to hormones but to not give your helper proper time off can't be blamed on the hormones. That's like saying, "the devil made me do it." (And don't I know that hormones can be the devil).

    There is a lady on this very site that I am friends with. She wasn't just nauseous for most of her pregnancy, she was vomiting and couldn't keep most things down. She worked full-time and had at that time a pre-schooler (he's since entered primary) and she handled everything without a helper. C'mon, if you can afford to have another child you're going to have to figure out how to legally and ethically provide care for that child and if you can't do it you're going to have to either A) hire additional outside help or B) enlist the kindness of friends and family. No lady on this forum is going to give you a "pass" card because you happen to be pregnant and nauseous. Most, if not all of us, have been pregnant at some point and many of us have gone through horrendous pregnancies and births. Yes, it is completely irrelevant that you're pregnant and sick.

    I'm sorry for you. Many if not most of us have gone through the same thing. No dice.
    carang and genkimom like this.
    “Many women have described their experiences of childbirth as being associated with a
    spiritual uplifting, the power of which they have never previously been aware …
    To such a woman childbirth is a monument of joy within her memory.
    She turns to it in thought to seek again an ecstasy which passed too soon.”

    ~ Grantly Dick-Read (Childbirth Without Fear)

    Mother of Two
    JMW, boy, born November 29, 2007, 9:43 pm, USA
    MJW, girl, born March 17, 2011, 4:14 pm, HK

  7. #31
    mummymoo is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    Hong Kong
    Posts
    316
    I think you are right to be worried about her leaving you, not because her husband is coming to work in HK but because (just as you yourself have accused her of being less than forthcoming to you) you have advertantly or inadvertantly done the same thing to her. She signed up for a job looking after a family with 2 children, now unbeknownst to her you are planning to increase her work load by adding a third pregnancy/mom who can't do what she normally does --> third child to her workload.

    Looking from the outside, your job is not one many helpers would want, and so if she leaves I don't think it's 100% due to her husband coming along (although this may contribute). It's because the job is really, really demanding (my guess) and probably warrants 2 helpers or more, so unless you are paying her the equivalent of 2 helpers......then......the package probably doesn't really add up for her.

    On top of that is the implied demand that she doesn't have 24 hours off. Sure she hasn't formally asked you about having a full 24 hours off, BUT she probably doesn't want to confront you and make it nasty between you and her, when you keep giving her instructions to do xyz on sat and sunday nights.

    Finally I don't think the posters here are out to attack you or be unkind but your posts do seem to be about me,me,me,me and show very little compassion (and joy) for a fellow woman and wife who may now finally get the chance to live in the same town as her husband (something you and I take for granted). I believe there is karma in this world. As Thanka2 suggest approaching situations with generosity usually pays its own rewards in the end.
    carang and z754103 like this.

  8. #32
    rs2000 is offline Registered User
    Join Date
    Jun 2008
    Location
    Hong Kong
    Posts
    184
    thanks everyone.
    appreciate your help

Page 4 of 4 FirstFirst ... 234
Scroll to top